[Nik-key]

I read from the book Healing After Loss by Martha Whitmore Hickman that ((Alffe)) sent my every day. I read the days daily meditations but many days I also skip ahead and other times I just pick pages at random.

I read this one last night, and it is still with my today.....

"Give sorrow words;the grief that does not speak
Whispers the oe'r fraught heart and bids it break" ~ William Shakespeare

"The pressure of unspoken grief is like that inside a pressure cooker-it builds and builds until one feels as though another tiny increment of pain will drive one mad.

Speak. Tell a friend. Tell another friend, or the same friend again. A wise friend will know one must tell this tale again and again.

one way to begin-particularly if death has been unexpected and hard to believe-is to recount to this understanding friend, in as much detail as you can remember, the events of the day on which the death occurred. "I got up in the morning. I had my usual breakfast of cereal and juice and coffee. I read the paper."- as mundane as that.

This kind of retelling of the day grounds the events in the real world and helps us begin to believe the terrible truth of the day. What happened is not a fantasy, or something we can put in a bubble and hold away from the rest of our life. It took place in a real time, on a real day, and while it will be terribly sad to recount, the recounting will help release the pressure inside and activate the flow of healing-friend to friend."

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I agree with everything above and with a " natural" death I agree it does help with the healing process. My family has done this very thing with different deaths of loved ones...... But it is so different with a violent suicide.

Who could hear once, say nothing about over and over....

What the violent death of the man I loved so much has done to me?

The graphic details of what I saw that day?

Who could handle what I myself can't bear to tell?

I have a wonderful family and loving friends. Yet, as much as they might want to help, they can't.

I have been through therapy, I hated the nodding of the head like they understood, they don't!! The fake empathy...I took as much as I could.

As much as I love my family and friends...I have no "one" trusted person I could share such horrific things with...Or perhaps I am too afraid of what will happen, to what is left of me, if I try to reopen the wound....... If I reflect back, get too close to reliving that day.......

So, I come here and share generalities of the hell I now know since Dad's suicide....

~sigh

[Alffe]

Other survivors Nikki are the only ones who completely understand. That's why I'm such a believer in a good support group...I'm a "hugger"...can't help it but you wouldn't believe the reactions I get from someone who is in agony over their loss. I cannot, will not, get graphic on this public forum but you can't tell me anything more graphic than what I've already heard from people who have collapsed in my arms.

This morning I had a dr.apt with a new dr. and while checking out the woman was trying to schedule me another apt for therapy..she wanted to schedule me for Monday and I said no, I had a suicide support meeting and her face dissolved..."My mother killed herself" she said " and now, years later my young daughters want me to tell them why."

Either it's everywhere or I'm like a magnet..(remember the washer repair man on my pantry floor.)

You can email or pm me anything Nikki but it's not the same as being able to grab ahold and hang on to a real life person. I do understand..I'm so very sorry you are having to go through this with no one to talk to about it.

[Alffe]

From the Chapter "Embracing Your New Normal"

Support Groups

Those who have shared their hearts in this book have found that the most beneficial element in their process of healing was a support group. The relief survivors feel when they connect with other survivors is the most awesome thing to witness. Mountains are moved, and deep soul fractures start to heal.

Generally, the support groups that survivors find the most helpful include those especially set up for survivors of suicide and grief groups that encompass all kinds of loss. We recommend a survivor group because that is where you can connect with others who can understand what you are going through The atmosphere in these groups is warm, compassionate, and nonthreatening.

Finding Your Way after the Suicide of Someone You Love Biebel & Foster

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I'm not sure you have room on your plate for one more thing Nikki but....you need to let off some of that steam....

[Nik-key]

Between Dad and Lynn I do often feel "as though another tiny increment of pain will drive me mad."

~sigh.... I know you are right ((Alffe)) Yet, I wonder if these things are best left protected and hidden inside. I think about how far I have come in my healing, at times it seems I am going in vicious circles, but I do know I am starting to heal. Would re-visiting that day "in the open" make me better, or worse? I don't really know. I know it sounds cowardly, but I am not sure I am willing to take that particular risk......

I can't pretend it isn't effecting me, the nightmares and my throwing up every time it snows is a constant reminder. Yet it isn't like it was last year, I am getting better....there are many days I don't have those images stuck in my head.

Lately, I can vividly recall his handsome face and can even hear the echos of his contagious laughter.
Among the nightmares, dreams of us, our family gatherings and dancing yellow butterflies are also starting to fill my nights
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Either it's everywhere or I'm like a magnet.

It is everywhere... but you are also a magnet, because you DO talk about it. Without fail, every single person I have told about Dad has had a story of their own... of someone they knew who killed themselves or of "the dark period in their life" when they thought about it.

The world needs more magnets like you