[starstorm]

Well I am totally new to this forum, but I am glad that I found it. I hope it's okay for me to post this story here..you'll see what I mean when you read it I guess. I have many things to talk about in this forum, many other topics to visit. I am in the suicide survivors thread becuase of my mom. I don't even know if she commited suicide or not, but in my head, that's what if feels like.
The story of my mom is complicated and long. But bottom line, she was a prescription drug addict with many sorted health issues and depression. I would never consider her a "bad" mom..she just lost her way somewhere around 1992. I actually have very good and fond memories of her from my child hood..she was an active participant in my and my sister's lives. But after we grew up..she seemed lost. She got involved with a guy who wasn't good for her, abused her and it took years to get away from him and that meant her coming to live with me just before my daughter was born in 2004. I took her in...she was "normal" for a few months and then the signs of her addiction came rushing back. So she lived with me and my husband and our 2 kids for 4 years. When I couldn't deal with her addiction anymore, not wanting her around my kids acting the way she would..totally out of it, totally irrational...I told her she couldn't live with us anymore. This was in April of 2008. I knew how much she loved her grandkids, and how they were basically the only thing keeping her going everyday...and I took them from her, put them in daycare on a Tuesday....well she died some time that Thursday. OD'd on her meds. I had REALLY laid into her the week before...I was very angry with her, resentful..but I still loved her of course. Anyway, she died sometime on May 1st...I found her on May 2nd (friday) after I got off work..she'd been gone for some time. That is when I changed...like a switch flipped...when I felt the cold stiffness of her skin on my finger ( which I can still feel to this day.

There was no note, no saying of good byes, nothing odd..but she had often threatened to kill herself, always talked about what a burden to us she was and then she OD's 2 days after I put my kids in daycare and she gets her own place???? Could be a coincidence...but I am having a hard time believing that. I know no one can answer this question for me..I just need to get it off my chest I guess. I have guilt, wonder what else I could have done for her, wonder if I did everything I could and most of all...had I not kicked her out...would she still be here?

Also sorry this is a bit lengthy...I just don't have anyone to talk to about this.
thanks for listening.

[reyn]

starstorm, I'm so sad and sorry . . . this story is heartbreaking. I'm a survivor on both sides -- my grandmother, my 1st cousin's son, my 3rd cousin -- all dead by suicide, yet I woke up from a 10-day coma after trying to end my own life.

You have come to a good place. There are members here who can understand and share with you their own stories but who will always listen to you with compassion and empathy. I'm dealing with a crisis on my own home-front right now, but I couldn't pass by your post without stopping and saying to you that I'm sorry for your loss and know that you have heartache and pain. I'll try to come back and talk with you later.

(starstorm)

[starstorm]

Reyn thanks for taking the time to post. That's all I am looking for...some people to listen, who maybe can relate.

Sorry to hear about your situation too. I hope you can get things sorted out. Look forward to chatting with you in the future.

[reyn]

I'm here when I can be here. When I can't, there are other members here who will listen, care, help as needed. Please join us here as we try to understand--and love when we can't understand,
reyn

[ewizabeth]

Welcome to NeuroTalk Starstorm. I hope you don't mind me giving you hugs right off.

What a terrible thing for you to go through. I hope you can remember all that you did do for your mother. She lived with you for four years, and then her drug abuse was a bad influence on your children. You tried, but you came to the end of your rope (it sounds like).

We all have our limits. You shouldn't beat yourself up over this. Your mom did need help, but you were young yourself, I'm guessing, and the mother of young kids. You probably aren't a psychologist either.

You cannot blame yourself for this. Your mother was ill and it's a tragedy for sure, but you're not at fault.

Work on forgiving yourself, your mother would want you to, I'm certain of that.

[starstorm]

thank you for your kind words. I was 29 when she passed...just a few months shy of my 30th birthday. I did try to get her help, I did try to get her treatment at various times and I even took her pills from her and gave them to her on a schedule but it didn't matter. She always found a way to abuse them. I know she had pain, and health problems. I was at the end of my rope with her. I just can't shake the thoughts. I guess the not knowing what happend is what's doing it. The things I have learned and pieced together regarding that day just don't add up.

thanks for the replys. I am glad there is some place I can come to talk about it.

[reyn]

starstorm, you are in the right place. If you can be patient, many more people will reply in response to your post. I'm so sorry that I'm in the midst of a minor crisis and can't be of more help to you now. Stay with us, okay? The people here are the best of the best, I promise.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers,
Reyn

[ewizabeth]

My late brother in law committed suicide about 30 years ago when my nieces and nephews were in their early teens (his and my sister's kids). The two girls were very angry at their dad for decades, thinking he was worthless and also that he didn't love them since he did this to himself. I had to tell them about my memories of his very real love for them. They had suffered for years after he died because their mother, my dear sister, died two weeks after him from a brain aneurysm.

I also had to remind them that he was sick, and even weak, though he loved them very much, he was in pain and chose to end his own life to end his pain. He loved them very much but his own pain just got to be too much and won out in the end.

Finally, after decades had passed, they forgave him in their hearts. They're at peace in their own lives now and have moved on to more productive lives.

I pray that this will happen for you too. Your mother gave you a happy childhood, but she was suffering and beyond what you, as her child could do to ease the suffering. Forgive yourself. It will even give your mother peace in her afterlife to know that you forgive yourself, though you weren't at fault. But it's natural to think we could somehow have changed the outcome of such tragedies.

[reyn]

. . . . . . . .

[starstorm]

thank you guys you guys are sweet thank you very much for the kind words. I am truly thankful that I stumbled upon this forum today. Thank you for sharing your stories with me too, and know that you are in my thoughts as well.

it's been right at a year and half since she passed, I keep thinking that surely that is enough time to grieve and do what I need to do, but maybe it's not. I guess it's the not knowing that really is the hardest. It bothers me becuase I rarely dream of her, and the few times I have my dream is always that she really didn't die and I am actually mad that she is back! .. These dreams bring on even more guilt becuase I know that this is not how I would feel. It's almost like she knows I am mad at her, or was mad at her, or she is mad at me from the afterlife...weird I know.