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12-27-2009, 10:03 PM
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'Thanks' Button Team Community Member T.K.S.
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Many years ago, I just had to leave the house...
it was already one of those days, my father was dying but I still hated him. I had just gotten home from work from my second job and I wasn't looking forward to my third job... my mom was grouchy, she needed to get some sleep before she headed to her second job. But he was being difficult. He won't take his meds: the reason why we all had to get extra jobs for... HIS MEDS... it was outrageous....he didn't have insurance, medicaid denied him, and with his heart failure, diabetes, light dementia, the different types of medicines that he required to be on became a burden to all of us... my mom and I had to get extra jobs just so we could pay for his medicines... but still, he refused to take it sometimes... highly superstitious yet easily influenced by charlatans and quacks... he had taken to alternative medicine against our wishes...but thus costing us more money... because he never said he wanted to quit taking the regular meds...and he never committed nor uncommitted to anything... we were all in limbo land... and for years...he and I, we were like fire and ice....I hated him and I was sure that he hated me... I am not even sure how it got started or why it got started or if it was even anything important now...and after he died, I felt like such a jackass....all those "fights" over the years...up in smoke...none of the bickerings mattered anymore....NONE....he was now gone and so was a piece of my heart...I had no idea that I'd be hurt so bad by his passing...and how dumb I was for holding on to those angers... but at the time, it was important...it annoyed the heckit out of me.... I felt like I was wasting my life, there, helping to take care of him... but deep within, I did loved him...I wanted to do everything in my power to keep him alive... but at the same time, I couldn't stand him....I sometimes wished that he'd just died so that we all could move on... that day was one of those days.... he was grouchy, my mom was grouchy, and I was grouchy... I can't remember what happened, I was tired but I just had to get out of the house.... I got into my car and I started to drive.... where to? It didn't mattered...I just needed to get out... as I drove down the road, I noticed a fly was resting on my windshield... it was a cold day, it was winter time...a time when most critters should've either been hibernating, dead, or not around.... but there it was, this tiny fly, on my windshield... I grinned an evil grin as I started to sped down the highway.... 35mph, 45mph, 55mph, 65mph.... I can see that it was clinging to the windshield...but somehow, undaunted.... it occasionally flapped its tiny wings...and for some reason, I felt it was "speaking" to me with a German accent.... I went from surprised, to shocked, to amazed... so there we were.... it, on this highway of life... me, on this highway of hell.... it, clinging on for its life... me, wanting to end it for all my strife... I finally pulled into a gas station and it was still sitting on my windshield... sitting there as if it had just won the Daytona 500...flickering and flapping its wings in victory... I walked up close to it, with astonishment and admiration on my face... then... "SMACK!" I smashed it with my hand... I hate flies....
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. . . . . . . . "you're entering, the . zone..."
Last edited by who moi; 12-27-2009 at 10:20 PM. |
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12-27-2009, 11:36 PM
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Elder
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Moi,
Today in church the priest was speaking about parents. And this would apply to you because in the end, you were the parent and your dad was the ornery child. The priest said he hates to hear parents put themselves down saying they could have done so much better. I could relate to that because I went through those feelings as a parent. And I went through those feelings parenting my mom and dad in their agedness. You did your best. Those feelings are natural under the circumstances. You faced a very difficult situation and you shouldn't expect that you should have responded in a God-like manner! You're MOI!! And you're imperfect (as all of us humans are) but you LOVED your dad! You did it, even if imperfectly, you were there, and you cared for him even with the feelings of anger! I had to work through anger toward my parents at a very young age but for different reasons. You can get through it but you need to give yourself a break. You were going through this for the first time and it was difficult. You're a very good person and you shouldn't carry this guilt. Your dad knows now that you loved him (as I believe and know our loved ones know these things, beyond this world.) It's ok to acknowledge this anger; but let it go. It's ok that you had it and perfectly natural. You have a lot of people who love you. Release the guilt because it serves no purpose.  ~ Wiz the psychologist-wannabe steps off of the stage now ~
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Wiz Turn Left at the next election. . RRMS DX 01/28/03 Started Copaxone again on 12/09/09 |
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12-28-2009, 05:19 AM
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Member
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Moi,
You know a little about my feelings towards my dad and let me tell you, it wasn't easy. When he died I felt nothing. Nothing at all. Not even relief. Emptiness is not a good thing and over time I realized how angry I still was about everything, and that I was keeping it all in and pretending it didn't matter. It did. Everyone says forgive him, yet I found that impossible. What I learned to do, over time, was forgive myself. For the feelings. For the things I said. For the things I thought. They were mean and petty and selfish... and human. When we are hurt we hurt back. When we are pushed we push back. When we feel hated we hate back. So I forgave myself for my part.... and came to peace with the rest. All these years later I have learned that, though I don't know if I have forgiven him ( because really, I never really could) but I have come to terms. And maybe a better understanding of who he was and why he acted the way that he did. And why I acted the way that I did.... You do what you know. When you know better, you do better. (May Angelou) You did what you knew and so did he. Let it go, know he loved you even if he couldn't show it, and you loved him, even if you couldn't admit it... and forgive yourself as much as you can...and him as much as you need to. Love ya, Bud! ( and I am not a fan of flies, but I have actively tried to "drive" spiders off of my car...nasty little gits) |
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| "Thanks for this!" says: | Alffe (12-28-2009), barbo (12-28-2009), Burntmarshmallow (12-28-2009), Doody (01-02-2010), doxiemama (12-28-2009), ewizabeth (12-28-2009), tamiloo (12-31-2009), tinglytoes (12-28-2009), waves (12-28-2009) |
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12-28-2009, 07:09 AM
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Young Senior Elder Member
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I hang out with the neatest bunch of people!
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12-28-2009, 01:17 PM
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Young Senior Elder Member
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Remember what Katherine Hepburn said Ducky...."If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun!"
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12-28-2009, 04:05 PM
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Member
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Katherine Hepburn was a smart lady. And one of a handful of actors guaranteed to make me stop when I see them on tv.LOL.
And remember Murphy's Corollary: "If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost." ( and the ever popular "when lost, make best possible time") my personal favorite Last edited by da duck; 12-28-2009 at 04:06 PM. Reason: to add that last part. LOL |
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12-28-2009, 04:32 PM
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Senior Member
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Quote:
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12-28-2009, 08:17 PM
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Member
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Quote:
Being able to do any action to repair the sense of helplessness, hopelessness, and despair, when nothing else can possibly be done about the situation. Much healthier in my view, than doing nothing to relieve this tension. Sure we would all prefer the perfectly loving version from the TV movies. Not gonna happen in most cases. The situation was as messy as the splat of a fly on a windshield. S..T happens.... We learn from our faulty humanity. Loving wouldn't be worth much if it wasn't so difficult to love the unlovable characteristics in others and ourselves. As always enjoying your unique presentation of life's lessons in the absurdities of 'full catastrophe' living! Happy New Year and Best Wishes, TT |
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Ze Fly On Ze Windshield..
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