[putterfit]

This past week was the one year anniversary of my youngest sons death. I am still not sure that I have allowed myself to morn his loss. Realistically I know that no matter what my decisions were the 2 years or so before his taking his life I could not have changed the ultimate outcome. But knowing that has not stopped me from having the guilt that comes from knowing that he wanted me to come and live with him in late 2007. My faith tells me that it was his time to go and that GOD was ready for him that is why I fell that no matter what he would not be with us.

Because of all of the difficulties I have had within my own life since Jan of 2006 I continually find it hard not to want to join my son but for some reason GOD has kept me here even though I have come close to dying 6 times these past few years twice by my own hand and 4 more times due to health reasons.

I am really having a hard time right now. Not sure that I have ever morn my son's passing as I had to help everyone else to try and make sense of what he did last year and during that time I was all alone! I am still alone because my wife left me in Aug of 2007. She had her reasons but I have come to the conclusion that for the most part they had to deal with my disabilities from MS and my other health issues for she has no caregiver bones in her body. OK so I am a bit bitter.

Depression has a good hold on me right now.

Mike

[Addy]

Oh dear putterfit... we know its hard.... and I hope you can find solace in knowing you are not alone... and that many of us here understand your pain... no one can EVER feel what you are feeling but we can relate...

I can only imagine the horrific sorrow of losing a son ... I can only imagine the pain he was in... and how difficult it is for anyone to understand.

I sincerely hope you have the resources to reach out and get some immediate help - read this thread... as it has helped me through this week and I have reached out for the help I so desperately need: http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/thread114801.html

and then read the thread written by Ptr... who is now lost to us through illness but forever remains in our hearts because of his wise and understanding strenth: http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/thread5351.html

My heart aches for your loss. Please know you are not alone!

Addy

[mistiis]

(((Putterfit))) sometimes all I can offer is a I will not say I understand what you are going through. Struggle, pain, I understand. Suicidal thoughts and feelings, and attempts, I "get"....I feel for you and you are not alone in this...my prayers are with you....

[Alffe]

Mike, I'm so glad you came back to talk. Everything you are feeling, all the thoughts you are thinking are normal. I know that men grieve differently then woman do...and that they feel a responsibility to "fix things" for everyone else..but some things just can't be fixed. They have to be endured, "lived through" and that can be almost impossible at times.

Living with MS, going through a divorce, ending a marriage with someone who didn't "get it" is having way more on your plate than you want in one time period. I'm sorry...

I am such an advocate of a good support group for survivors of suicide, for those of us who are left behind because they understand...without you saying a word.

Fr. Charles Rubey (L.O.S.S. Group, Chicago Ill) said it far better than I can:

"The experience of being in the physical presence of other
survivors has, in itself, a therapeutic value
which cannot be duplicated by any other methods of
resolving grief.
A veteral survivor can instill a subtle message of hope
with his or her very existence."

And this forum is a wonderful place to find support...we are here for you and it will get better Mike...it's going to take a long time but it will get easier to live with this loss.

[putterfit]

I read the first thread that suggested yesterday and believe me I knew each one of those 10 points intimately. As for the second thread, my thoughts of not wanting to participate with life any more protecting me not sure of that.

There is hardly a night that goes by that I do not pray for my passing. The only thing that has kept me from making an honest 3rd attempt is the fear of failing again.

Very few people know all that I have been through these past few years and the ones that do have plenty of issues of their own. I just am not sure where the energy will come from to continue fight the obstacles that are a part of my daily life. Now I am getting to the point that I do not even make sense to myself.

Originally Posted by Addy

Oh dear putterfit... we know its hard.... and I hope you can find solace in knowing you are not alone... and that many of us here understand your pain... no one can EVER feel what you are feeling but we can relate...

I can only imagine the horrific sorrow of losing a son ... I can only imagine the pain he was in... and how difficult it is for anyone to understand.

I sincerely hope you have the resources to reach out and get some immediate help - read this thread... as it has helped me through this week and I have reached out for the help I so desperately need: http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/thread114801.html

and then read the thread written by Ptr... who is now lost to us through illness but forever remains in our hearts because of his wise and understanding strenth: http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/thread5351.html

My heart aches for your loss. Please know you are not alone!

Addy

[putterfit]

I do wish that I could believe that love is the answer. I no longer know what love is and I am not sure that I ever did. The end of my first marriage was hard enough and that was over 30 years ago and I understand that my second wife of 25 years is so toxic to me that I can not allow her to be any part of my life for she will just use me to get what she wants and then kick me away once again. Over the past 2+ years she has called me several times when she was in need knowing that I would come and once the crisis was over I was pushed out the door and off the cliff.

It would be nice to find a person that could accept me and all of my medical issues but I do not believe that a person such as that exists.

Here is another question. How does one learn to put themselves first and do what is best for them when you have spent your entire live taking care of and helping others before ever thinking about yourself?

Originally Posted by mistiis

(((Putterfit))) sometimes all I can offer is a I will not say I understand what you are going through. Struggle, pain, I understand. Suicidal thoughts and feelings, and attempts, I "get"....I feel for you and you are not alone in this...my prayers are with you....

[putterfit]

This is only the tip of the iceberg of what I am dealing with. The litany of what I have gone through and the poor decisions that I have made since Jan of 06 and even before continue to haunt all the time. I am attempting to rectify some of them but then I wonder what is the use and why even bother!

The funny thing is that up until I was told I had MS and then 3 weeks later that I had Prostate cancer I was a very positive person that I always believe that the glass was 3/4 full and that things would always work out for the better. Then in Jan of 07 I was just tired of fighting the changes that my disease forced upon me and a wife that believed that I should turn my back on one of my kids who needed my help. That was the day I took over 90 pills and had a heart rate of 8 when I got to the hospital. I died that night but for some reason GOD sent me back and I wish that he had not.

I am still tired of fighting.

Living with MS, going through a divorce, ending a marriage with someone who didn't "get it" is having way more on your plate than you want in one time period. I'm sorry...

I am such an advocate of a good support group for survivors of suicide, for those of us who are left behind because they understand...without you saying a word.

Fr. Charles Rubey (L.O.S.S. Group, Chicago Ill) said it far better than I can:

"The experience of being in the physical presence of other
survivors has, in itself, a therapeutic value
which cannot be duplicated by any other methods of
resolving grief.
A veteral survivor can instill a subtle message of hope
with his or her very existence."

And this forum is a wonderful place to find support...we are here for you and it will get better Mike...it's going to take a long time but it will get easier to live with this loss. [/QUOTE]

[Alffe]

Love yourself first putterfit. It sounds like life has knocked you to the ground more than once but you're still here trying...that's what survivors do even on their worst days. I long ago stopped expecting life to be "fair" what ever that means and by who's definition!

You mentioned other children..that it was your youngest son that completed suicide. Those living children are reason enough to go on...you don't want to leave them that awful legacy..and you can see what it is doing to you. Guilt, anger, ....I'm so glad you are talking about it.

Cancer (MS) can take away all my physical abilities. It cannot touch my mind, it cannot touch my heart and it cannot touch my soul. And those three things are going to carry on forever. Jimmy V " Your signature line.

[barbo]

Originally Posted by putterfit

This past week was the one year anniversary of my youngest sons death. I am still not sure that I have allowed myself to morn his loss. Realistically I know that no matter what my decisions were the 2 years or so before his taking his life I could not have changed the ultimate outcome. But knowing that has not stopped me from having the guilt that comes from knowing that he wanted me to come and live with him in late 2007. My faith tells me that it was his time to go and that GOD was ready for him that is why I fell that no matter what he would not be with us.

Because of all of the difficulties I have had within my own life since Jan of 2006 I continually find it hard not to want to join my son but for some reason GOD has kept me here even though I have come close to dying 6 times these past few years twice by my own hand and 4 more times due to health reasons.

I am really having a hard time right now. Not sure that I have ever morn my son's passing as I had to help everyone else to try and make sense of what he did last year and during that time I was all alone! I am still alone because my wife left me in Aug of 2007. She had her reasons but I have come to the conclusion that for the most part they had to deal with my disabilities from MS and my other health issues for she has no caregiver bones in her body. OK so I am a bit bitter.

Depression has a good hold on me right now.

Mike

When someone takes his own life the survivors are visited with a huge dose of guilt - it seems to be a given. Pleas try not to fall into that trap. There is no answer to the whys of suicide. Let yourself grieve - a year is a very short time in the scheme of things. I think you are very brave dealing with that and MS too. My daughter had MS and I watched her struggle with the day to day challenges it brought. You have a lot on your plate. Don't ask too much of yourself. Just take it one day at a time.

[mistiis]

sssssssssss

The struggle itself is tiring putterfit.......we do run out of steam, and there is a time for rest....quit beating yourself up, you can not change the past, only create what you can of a future by living in the now.....

Please take care my friend....