[Xienite]

Oh dear friends, who I turn to constantly for strength at my weakest hour. I just logged in here and couldn't believe that I haven't been here in 18 months. So much has changed for me...some good, some bad If you are bored, fill your favorite cocktail/drink, a cozy chair and I will try to fill you in as best as I can....it may take a while, so get comfortable.

For those of you who don't know me, I've been around from the "old" forums (1996/97ish). I am a chronic pain person (crushed a bunch of disks in my neck). I am a survivor of suicide, my mom took her life, I was in a mentally and physically abusive relationship for 10 years. I finally broke free of that, and at 40 years old found my true soul mate and love of my life. Michael and I were two halves that made a whole. Sadly, on December 19, 2005, Michael passed away of a massive heart attack next to me, while I slept, he was 44.

At the point I lost Michael, I didn't want to be a part of this world anymore, I lost my soul mate, my friend, my lover. I lost me...I stopped laughing, crying, I was just "here". I proceeded to shut myself away...I didn't want to play anymore, so I stopped talking to friends, family...everyone. After 2 years I was running out of money and I really didn't care, I didn't want to be a part of "this world" anymore, it hurt too much. I would post occasionally, but I was in the "pit".

Long story longer....the phone was turned off, I was facing evection...this was little stuff, didn't anyone realize that I didn't want to live? Finally my dad got worried when he couldn't reach me and he called the cops to do a well check on me. I guess the police didn't think I was too "well" as I was given a free ride to the local Mental Health Crisis Hospital. I was there 10 days, which a variety of meds were tried....some worked, some didn't.

I came home, was interested again in my life and doing things, but my prior lack of interest in my living situation caught up with me. I was being evicted from my home and I had no income to stop it. Thank God for good friends, for the day before the Sheriff was to show up to evict me, a friend showed up, packed up the house and moved me into his place (he's gay), all within 24 hours.

That truly is the condensed version, is everything perfect, no way. Do I laugh every day, you bet...am I optomistic...I am. Do I have any idea what the future holds...not a clue. I still don't want to experience that pain of living, but I realize that I would also miss the sweet smell of roses, the sound of laughter, the amazing sight of hummingbirds....yeah, I am hoping agin.

If I can come from the depts of despair that I was at, please keep fighting to life, because you truly are worth it

I was gone for awhile, but I'm here now, and if you need to talk, I'll be here to listen, just keep fighting.

Alffe, sheesh, everyone, thank you all for being there for me whenever I would need you, even if I just lurked. I pray I can pay it forward....

Cris

[DMACK]

Truly inspirational

Welcome back Xienite

David

[Koala77]

Hi there Cris and welcome back to NeuroTalk.

You'll find lots of old faces here and many new ones but some things never change. You will always hear a kind word, you will always find a shoulder you can lean on and you will always find an ear that'll listen.

So pull up a chair Xienite, and prepare to meet the family.

[Alffe]

Cris you've brought tears of joy to my eyes! You've found hope again and thank you for letting us know that it's possible.

That was a long hard road you've traveled...you are the personification of a survivor!

What's next? Tell me everything! *grin

[Xienite]

Hi again everyone, the room full of gentle souls, hurting hearts and healing begins. I really did give you the Readers Digest condensed version last night…I apologize.

Ok, I’ll begin when the police knocked on my door, after talking to them for a few minutes I realized that when the police say “we think” that means “you are”. So, they thought I needed to get some help and honestly I knew I needed it. I had shut myself away for 2 ½ YEARS…how much longer was I going to last? So, off I went for the nice ride in the back of the police car. They didn’t 5150 me, he just dropped me off at the County Psychiatric Hospital and said that if I wanted help to walk through the doors….and I did. One of the best things I have done for myself in my life. I was admitted for 3 day observation…I was skinny, lethargic, didn’t really care, I had given up. They start me on antidepressants and an anti-anxiety meds. Sounds pretty harmless to me so far. Not more than 36 hours later I am bouncing all over the place in total manic mode which totally surprised everyone, including myself. I was the perfect textbook of being bi-polar when an antidepressant is given. So now begins the trial and error of meds. I didn’t want to leave the hospital until I was sure I was stable, so I was there 10 days. I was afraid to go home and have the entire cycle start over again, so I was willing to stay there. Besides, it really wasn’t that bad…it got me talking to people again, interacting with the nurses, just moving…even if we only went to occupational therapy and put together a puzzle, at least my brain was starting to engage again. I would say that 95% of the people in there were in for drugs or alcohol problems, and were younger. It’s sad to realize that so many people have that addiction, but good to know that there is a place that is helping them. They will keep the addicts until they have another placement for them (half way house or something set up) so that they have a support group in place when they are released. Me, they weren’t quite sure what to do with me, so they sent me home.

Thank God for good neighbors who was watching my animals and spoiled them rotten, I mean, the dog even went to the groomer. I was released the beginning of June 2009, and still in manic mode (which in hindsight I’ve been in most of my life). I was always felt life more intensely than the rest of my family….hell I used to cry at the end of Lassie when she would lift her paw, I thought she was lost, so every week when the credits would run I had to go to my room so I wouldn’t see her. Hummm, that should have been a clue LOL. I started cleaning the house, which had been terribly neglected for almost 3 years, going through Michael’s things, giving things to Good Will, had a yard sale, did the scrapbooks, was just trying to make up for lost time. I was still somewhat of a recluse, since the car died, but at least I was talking to family and one or two friends on the phone. But in the back of my mind, I knew the day was coming that I would lose my home….and it did. My evection notice arrived, I was served and I had to be out by August 11th. I owned the mobile home, but I didn’t own the land it was on, so the park did what it was supposed to do.

On August 10th with no idea what was going to happen, just thought I would be on the streets and lose everything. I called my friend Bill, who I’ve know 20 plus years and told him what was going on. Not more than a half an hour later there was a knock at my door and there he was with a few friends and boxes and said “let’s start packing, you’re moving in with us”. I have no idea how we did it, but we did…80% of my stuff was either moved or put into storage. Some was given away (Michael’s tools, refrigerator, washer/dryer) and I was out of there. Bill not only took in me, but my dog and cat (and he’s not even fond of cats). It’s been crowded (a 50 year old 980 square foot house and only 1 bathroom for 3 people), but it works. I never in my life imagined that at 56 I would be homeless….or as Bill tells me, Cris, you’re not homeless, you’re just houseless right now”.

I will be forever grateful, but still not working (don’t think I can do a traditional job anymore, I don’t deal with stress like I used to) and still fighting for disability, so I literally have no income and Bill still let’s me stay. I try to earn my keep, I cook, clean, laundry and the house sits on a large piece of land, so I’ve dug up 2 huge ficus trees, planted a garden, planted 12 rose bushes, just anything I can think of to do to make it easier for him, I try to do.

Is it still hard? It is if I believe all the negative stuff I tell myself. I still have bad hours/days/weeks, but I have to fight hard to not let myself slip back into that hole. I was there long enough and it’s the saddest and loneliest place I’ve ever been. Thankfully there are more good days, I have people around me who care about me who make me laugh (how I missed laughter), who I can get a hug from if I need one and even if they don’t understand my strange moods sometimes, at least then accept them as a part of me.

If you’ve stuck in here and read my ramblings, thank you, and I guess what I am trying to say is please, please don’t give up. It may seem totally hopeless right now, but you don’t know what is going to happen in the next minute/hour/day. If you think you need help, please don’t be afraid or ashamed to ask for it like I was, you are not a “bother” to anyone, there are people who really do want to help. There is so much still to see and learn, I have a hard time realizing that I wasted 3 years just lying in bed but I guess I had to go through that to get to where I am, and I’m still waiting to see where I’m going to end up.

Oh, and Alffe, I now have FIVE grand-buddies , guess we figured out what he does well LOL, but that is another chapter that causes my heart to hurt and the guilt to rise and I have a bright red breasted hummingbird right outside my window letting me know that the feeder is empty, so no time for guilt or regrets right now.

Much love and gentle hugs to everyone.

[Alffe]

Five!! LOL...I was afraid to ask! No rising guilt dear lady...you have paid dearly and now, as David would say..it's time for you to take care of you. I think I am in love with Bill...he has heart and knows a heart when he hears one.

Of course now that you have moved I no longer have your address...what if I want to send you something... You could pm it to me..I'm so glad to hear news of you...my heart is singing!

[Addy]

((((((((Xi))))))))))))

thank you for coming back.... you are, indeed, a survivor!

I believe you should be writing your story...
.... just sayin' ....

Addy

[Xienite]

Addy, I have seriously considered writing a book...not about the depression/suicide part, but life has made so many twists and turns it's amazing sometimes. People who have known me for awhile, when I tell them what's happened lately, just go...."another chapter for your book".

Thank you everyone for the kind words....oh and I had an exciting day yesterday. The BIG recycle trash truck picked up a can and I guess it had a spray can in it, because when it was crushed it exploded and caught the recycle stuff on fire, so he did what he was supposed to do....dumped the entire load in front of my house! Fire department was here, it was a mess for a couple of hours LOL. If I can figure out how to post pictures, I will, I've got some great ones. And of course I've always enjoyed watching firemen Hey, I'm a widow, I can look!

[BlueMajo]

Hey !!!! Such a pleasure to meet you !!!! (((((HUGS)))))

[DMACK]

Xienite, a great title for the book,

like 'a phoenix from the flames on my lawn'
a true story of re-birth, and insperation in adversity.

David