[acemagoo]

I have bipolar with severe depression. My day ranges from just suicidal thoughts to suicidal urges. This is like this every day, month in month out, year in year out. It is so hard to take even a shower that I go over a week in between. I am ruining my teeth from not brushing them. I have a hard time doing even dishes and washing my cloths that I live like a pig. In the US I don’t feel like living. I went to the Philippines on vacation and discovered I felt better there. So I moved there for a year and a half. My suicidal thoughts and urges are much lower there and I actually feel like living. It is also easy to find someone to take care of me, laundry, cooking, dishes, cleaning and a lot of attention. It is still hard for me to take a shower and brush my teeth but at least I can force myself to do it a lot of the time. I still have a lot of down days, but I am better and glad to be alive there. To make an even longer story short, I returned to the USA and looked for work, in just a couple months I am back to not taking care of myself and the constant thought of suicide. All I have to hold onto is returning to the Philippines where at least I’m happy to be alive. I have suffered for decades before it was properly diagnosed (I’m on SSDI for Major Depression, not bipolar) and none of the medications I’ve taken work on the depression. I know I will never return to work. I can’t even concentrate on TV; I spend most of the time staring into space with the TV on in the back ground.

I’m saving the money to move back to the Philippines, I am scared to death about a CDR when I am there. But I don’t have a choice if I want any type of contentment in my life. If I go there, feel better, but still can’t work, what will they think?

How understanding is SSA when you move to another country to improve your depression? How can I protect my benefits during a CDR? If they send you to see one of their doctors, are the doctors “out to get you” or do they take their Hippocratic Oath seriously to do no harm?

I have been disables for ten years, but it took four years to collect because I tried to work at first. I also used the ticket to work and actually returned to work for 13 months but was unable to maintain it after that period. That was in 2006. I have never had a CDR, I guess that was because I used the ticket to work, but they sent me a letter last spring that I have not fulfilled the criteria for ticket to work and am now eligible for a CDR. I wish they would do one before I save the money to return to the Philippines, as it would be less stressful and I know my doctors will back me here. But who knows if and when I will get the CDR. I am 50 years old.

I found an escape from my hell that isn’t an illegal drug, how can I make them understand that?

Any tips or experiences from those living abroad would be appreciated.

[LIT LOVE]

First off, I'd say that you are describing an acute mental health problem that needs to be addressed urgently. If you haven't found the right treatment yet, that doesn't mean you can't or won't--it just feels that way. Taking the iniative to advocate for yourself by posting this thread is a big step in the right direction.

You're describing a slight improvement of quality of life when you're over seas, but it doesn't sound like you're mental health is going to be addressed over there, so that's a problem...for you medically and potentially for your ability to continue receiving SSD.

Have you considered moving to Hawaii? There is section 8 housing available and by using your Medicare benefits you could address your bipolar disorder. It's a shorter and less expensive flight to the Phillipines, so that you could still vacation there.

[acemagoo]

Originally Posted by LIT LOVE

First off, I'd say that you are describing an acute mental health problem that needs to be addressed urgently. If you haven't found the right treatment yet, that doesn't mean you can't or won't--it just feels that way. Taking the iniative to advocate for yourself by posting this thread is a big step in the right direction.

You're describing a slight improvement of quality of life when you're over seas, but it doesn't sound like you're mental health is going to be addressed over there, so that's a problem...for you medically and potentially for your ability to continue receiving SSD.

Have you considered moving to Hawaii? There is section 8 housing available and by using your Medicare benefits you could address your bipolar disorder. It's a shorter and less expensive flight to the Phillipines, so that you could still vacation there.

Thank you for your response. Sadly it looks like I am in for a ride. I have taken many different drugs with no help for the depression (many caused problems, not make it better). They do seem to have found drugs that help the mania and psychotic features. In the US life itself is a trigger for suicidal ideation. In the Philippines the only trigger seems to be the thought of loosing my SSDI, then having to come back to the USA, ending up homeless again, back into and out of hospitals because homelessness is just to traumatic for me to handle and fighting for my SSDI benefits.

I do have a pdoc and tdoc here in the USA and the pdoc does try to change my meds, but the depression is drug resistant. I can still get the same drugs in the Philippines and see a psychiatrist there. Everything legal is in English there as is most signage, consumer goods, etc. Their doctors are very versed in English so that is not a problem.

I am washed up in my career because I have been out for so long and I am really unable to do anything else as I have limited and specific education (COBOL programming from a tech school and 2.5 credits from high school). I did love my job but this has brought me to my knees. Trying to do other jobs has ended in rather quick failure, I just can’t take it at some point and rather than going into a rage or loosing it I just walk off.

The worse thing about going to the Philippines is the possibility of having to come back to the US. The worse thing about staying in the US is fighting the losing emotional battle, taking the Philippines off the table just makes me want to give up. It is actually the only thing I am holding onto right now.

Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

Sorry for the long post, got a lot on my mind.

[LIT LOVE]

Originally Posted by acemagoo

Thank you for your response. Sadly it looks like I am in for a ride. I have taken many different drugs with no help for the depression (many caused problems, not make it better). They do seem to have found drugs that help the mania and psychotic features. In the US life itself is a trigger for suicidal ideation. In the Philippines the only trigger seems to be the thought of loosing my SSDI, then having to come back to the USA, ending up homeless again, back into and out of hospitals because homelessness is just to traumatic for me to handle and fighting for my SSDI benefits.

I do have a pdoc and tdoc here in the USA and the pdoc does try to change my meds, but the depression is drug resistant. I can still get the same drugs in the Philippines and see a psychiatrist there. Everything legal is in English there as is most signage, consumer goods, etc. Their doctors are very versed in English so that is not a problem.

I am washed up in my career because I have been out for so long and I am really unable to do anything else as I have limited and specific education (COBOL programming from a tech school and 2.5 credits from high school). I did love my job but this has brought me to my knees. Trying to do other jobs has ended in rather quick failure, I just can’t take it at some point and rather than going into a rage or loosing it I just walk off.

The worse thing about going to the Philippines is the possibility of having to come back to the US. The worse thing about staying in the US is fighting the losing emotional battle, taking the Philippines off the table just makes me want to give up. It is actually the only thing I am holding onto right now.

Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

Sorry for the long post, got a lot on my mind.

Please read this thread regarding CDRs:
http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/thread157557.html

Having researched the matter myself, you have a right to live wherever you want, you don't have to justify the move to SS, do not suggest it will improve your mental health to move--you aren't functional and the move alone won't make you so, the only thing you have to do is to notify them of the actual move.

If you simply just love the Philippines, that's fine. If your income does not allow you to get the care you need in the state you live in, then please realize every state has different resources available. In Cali, for example, you would qualify for Medicaid and would (very likely qualify) to be able to have someone come in to clean your house, run your errands, and even provide companionship.

So long as you continue to receive regular care, that will show compliance when you receive your CDR. I would suggest you need weekly therapy due to your acute need...but just follow your doc's advise.

I have read that SS will be more proactive about investigating fraud for those that move abroad, but you don't intend to work at all, so I wouldn't stress over it. You're not doing anything wrong, and you deserve the best quality of life available.

Feel free to PM me if you need anything. If you would like to find a disability advocate, send me your city and state and I'll try to research one for you.

[LIT LOVE]

One more thin, maybe you've already discovered it, but there is an active Bipolar Disorder Forum at this site as well. It might be a really great place for you to start experiencing some social interaction and feeling less isolated will help...

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum38.html