[greenfrog]

When I was in the acute phase of PCS I temporarily stayed with my family - a bad idea, as it turned out. Both of them have narcissistic tendencies and they were only willing to go so far in helping me (my mother accused me of being "manipulative" when I said that I needed more help). I emailed them a lot of helpful material on concussions, but they didn't bother to read it. My mother would typically turn the conversation around to her own medical issues, like a sore knee or back. Their advice consisted of saying things like, why don't you go outside and get some fresh air, or "my personal trainer says that maybe you need to push through the symptoms."

They did help me find my current specialist, however - I am grateful for this.

While trying to fend for myself, I had a major setback resulting in a new symptom (tinnitus), which I still have. When the stress finally became overwhelming, I packed a bag and left on my own, with great difficulty.

I have gradually improved a lot since then, in no small part because of the unwavering support of my girlfriend and doctor. Ironically, the symptom that has persisted the most is the tinnitus (it's manageable but mildly annoying). I have been keeping my family at arms length since I left (easy enough, since they maintain only half-hearted contact, often to relay news about their lives). I have been off work for seven months.

So, my question is: how do you move on from a traumatizing family experience like this? Part of me wants to forgive them and move on, but I feel that they behaved badly and never acknowledged this. I also don't want to engage them on the subject until I am further along in my recovery, as even talking about it (and maintaining contact with them generally right now) is stressful for me. Would it be appropriate to say something like, "I think it's best if we hold off on the communications while I recover - I am not doing much emailing and telephoning - but perhaps we can meet for coffee when I am doing better?"

[SpaceCadet]

Hmm, that's a tough one. I'm almost 6 months in to my PCS and a little over a month ago I did the same thing - made the decision to come stay at my mom's. Which I'm not sure was a good or bad idea since the stress level here has been not much lower, if not, as stressful as the situation where I was staying before (roommates, girlfriend, kids). My mom is a bit more knowledgeable when it comes to PCS and a bit more caring than anyone at the other place I was staying, since she's done research on it and I am her son. I don't think my mom has ever tried to accuse me of being manipulative directly, but she's said over and over again that she has problems of her own, she can't help me with everything and she starts to go on about how her other 3 kids (my younger siblings that live with her) drain the life out of her as it is, and she has to help them with stuff too. She's turned the conversation around numerously to her medical problems, like you said your mother did. She's said stuff like "well what about me, you kids are gonna drive me to have a stroke. I'm always having chest pains." - so on and so forth.

She's only done a mild amount of research of PCS - so don't feel bad. I know she hasn't read up as much as she should have because she tends to yell and start argument with me, and with the kids when I'm around. It raises my stress level to the max then I start having brain fog problems and anxiety. I keep asking her nicely to stop yelling and to speak in a lower, less stressful tone because she's causing me to have symptoms and she says "that's not true, i'm not the cause of your problems stop blaming it on me.". So I know she hasn't read the part about stress making things worse, otherwise she would know.

Some people just don't understand PCS - mainly because they haven't been through it and they don't know how severe it is. Should you forgive your mom and move on? Of course, that's your mother your talking about. Just make sure you sit down and have a calm, cool, collective conversation with her to let her know how you feel. I think the emailing thing would be a better idea (if she reads it) so that way she can't interrupt you or say or do anything to cause you any stress, she'll have the choice to either read it or not. Just make sure you put in there that you aren't trying to be manipulative, what your feeling and the needs are real. Maybe take one last stab at forwarding her some more links to read up on your condition and ask her nicely to read them so she has a better understanding to what your going through. When I don't want to confront my mom about something that I think is going to turn in to an argument and cause me stress, I text or email her.

Well, i wish you the best of luck.

[bh_pcs]

I say have a good sit down talk with your girlfriend present and maybe even your doctor with your mother. That should put things into perspective.

[tamisue]

that's a toughie. With the exception of one sister, none of my family was "terribly" concerned. My husband and adult daughters of course were and still are helpful, but even they forget the extent of my injuries at times.

I love my family-but there comes a time when you have to cut your losses.
I'm not advocating this in your situation and I'm not saying don't do it. My family puts the "fun" in dysfunctional. For that reason I've limited contact with a lot of them period.

I hope that you are able to come to an understanding with your family. It's not an easy situation and sometimes people just don't want to understand what you are going thru.

[Mark in Idaho]

greenfrog,

After reading your question <how do you move on from a traumatizing family experience like this?> I looked back at some of your early posts.

A 39 year old person who is still struggling with these family issues probably needs to be talking to a counselor/therapist.

Maybe you need some help with establishing some greater self-reliance and independence. I have a younger brother who is just a few years older than you who has similar issues. The more he dwells on these issues as related to his family/parents, the worse he does. As the saying goes, You make the bed you lie in.

When we decide to get the personal strength to stand up, we grow. This is even true for PCS. Whether we blame our PCS or our parents does not make any difference. We still need to move forward.

Maintain minimal guarded contact and get strong enough to address your issues directly if they are brought up. Otherwise, get over the past and move on.

IMHO,

My best to you.

[greenfrog]

Thanks, all, for the responses.

[freezerdoor]

Originally Posted by greenfrog

Thanks, all, for the responses.

They are family. It hurts but we have to get over it and move on. I usually tell my family very clearly if they hurt me but then talk about something positive and never reengage the issue unless they do for some reason. We all hurt each other, probably over and over again.

Best of luck to you.

[Klaus]

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for family help in the face of serious health problems regardless of how old you are.

However for you right now the main issue is to reduce stress levels, and ruminating over real or perceived injustices is something I've found is very bad for my PCS.

I think you should take whatever course of action you think will allow you to move on and stop worrying about this issue, regardless of who is right or wrong. Your brain needs calmness.

[katie71083]

As I recover, I realize that there's no possible way to truly understand PCS unless you've been through it.

And I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

My bottom line:

If they understood they'd act differently; but I don't want them to ever be able to understand.

So, I let it go.

[Margarite]

My experience is that everyone has heard for so many years that concussions aren't that bad. It is hard to get people, even doctors and nurses, to understand that what you are going through is serious. If you think about times in your life when you were around someone who was sick, maybe an aging relative or someone whose parent or child has died, it is easy for us to be consoling at first, but we soon forget their pain or condition and become annoyed with them. It is so easy when we are well to forget the ill, and when we are ill to forget how hard it is to relate to an ill person when we are well.
I don't know if that makes sense.
Basically, it is easy to judge, but hard to truly understand. As a person who is well, it is frustrating when someone becomes seemingly obsessed with their illness and keeps e-mailing tons of links and articles explaining details we cannot relate to. It might be interesting the first couple times, but after that it is just annoying. We can't help it, even with the ones we love most. As human beings we forget so easily. I was 19 when I got my first concussion falling off of a horse. I had 10 hours of amnesia during which time I forgot that my uncle had died in a tragic accident 2 years previously and other such important details. My parents, who love me more than life itself, did not do very much research, they did not push me to go see doctors, the most they did was to not get very upset at the 2 letter grade drop and they did not make me work that summer. It was not because they loved me less or anything like that, it was because they had no idea, no matter how many times I explained, they had no idea how I was feeling.

People care, they just don't know how we are feeling, and it is difficult to keep other's pain at the forefront of our minds. It is also hard to relate and to know what to say or do, and it is hard to be truly interested in the nuances of something we cannot even comprehend.

If you think of your reactions and treatment of other people who have been in some kind of pain, I will bet a lot that you have treated them much the same way. This is not because we are awful, it is because we are human.
May the peace of this Christmas season fill your life!
Merry Christmas!
Margarite