[johannakat]

It was good enough I thought to deserve it's own thread.

Johanna

Originally Posted by shelley

Today I was writing to Johanna and was trying to explain that I am going to try to approach things differently because the last several weeks I have been in a place that has been scary and reminicent of the beginning.

And in the beginnng I tried going to a very gentle and understand soul for some hypno therapy. We would often talk for an hour prior to the hypnosis to focus where the hypnosis should be directed. I think it helped me to relax and find some peace.

So yesterday I went back to review the notes I had taken during those sessions and just wanted to share with everyone.

Maybe something will strike a cord, maybe not, maybe you will find it corny but at the time some of the thoughts gave me peace

So here goes....( in no specific order)

Today I will...

Let go of judgement ..of myself, my condition and pain

The mind creates complexity, the mind is not peaceful, it prejudges

Be more loving of myself

Find value in everything

Find a purpose in each day each moment

Choose to heal instead of need to know

Stop needing to know about my illness and obsessing for control

Wanting control implies not having it

I will let go and find out what will happen

Can I really let go of what I think and know and maybe just maybe allow it to be better than what I think it is

The past and the future reside only in the mind...joy exists in the now. Choice only exists in the here and now.

Evolve at your own pace

Fear comes from limits

Fear is reactive

Fear doesn't come from the spirit

Fear is toxic and exaggerates pain



So many of us lose our old selves... dont...Choose to be positive, choose to contibute , choose to be Shelley or Peg or Dabbo or Dawn or Jo or BB or DiMarie or Fish

Near the end of our time together, my hypnotist told me write a letter to my body ...thank it for being, for being patient and tell it how much you love it unconditionally. I think maybe I will do that tonight after all this time.

[watsonsh]

Thanks Johanna.

Looks like I need to take my own advice. I truly needed that reminder.

Well I finished the presentation, its good but we will see if its good enough.

Instead of writing letter to my body...maybe a letter (not mailed) to my extremely challenging clients (and thats putting it nicely)

Well off I go to present this work

[redjpwranglergirl]

That was great, Shelley! And thanks to Johanna for posting that. That really hits the nail on the head. Most of the things she said, are the very things (and conclusion) that I had come to a long time ago for myself. I posted quite a bit on the "other forum" about how a positive outlook and looking at my TOS problems and other health problems from a different perspective had helped ME to deal with it. And basically everything Shelley said was exactly what I've been trying to live by since my problems started- which was in
1975. Everything she said was so true and has really made a huge difference in my life. Thanks again for posting this!

[johannakat]

Shelley I hope you knock their socks off...and even if you don't, know that you did the best you could and tried really really hard.

You can't please everyoen, no matter what. In fact, they could just be testing you. Rising to the challenge is success in itself. You always have the option to go driving off into the desert instead, you know....

[olecyn]

Jo,
THANKS for sharing Shelley's notes...
I needed that.
Hopefully, if I read it over and over it will help me not to give it all up.

Ever since my latest flare with the 911 phone call and trip to the ER
I cannot find myself
I am so angry, so bitter, so wanting to give up
After these painful 7 years
I cannot find that Cyndy fight, determination, humor and positive outlook.
I cannot find the power anymore within me to battle W/C attorneys, Disability Retirement attorneys, the docs who don't give a **** and don't call when you need them, the PT doc who ignored our calls.

Hell, Chemo was easier than this TOS pain and crapola.

I cannot allow my family to go through this anymore, using our piddly funds to pay for what W/C should be, the lack of purpose for the family and home, the 7 year denials and delays, the pain and the suffering of not being ale to go back to work or even get dressed without pain.

[DiMarie]

Beautifully written and shared.
Sometimes it is difficult to see our own strengths we give others...
Shelley, you are a kind hearted soul, so loving to all of us, love yourself too.
Be special to yourself, give yourself credit for every accomplishment, every smile your created for someone, every tear your dried and hug cyber or not.
We love you!

Di

[watsonsh]

Awwww thanks guys.

ANd Johann I really did need to read that over and over again this week. I just beat myself to a pulp mentally thinking I could not measure up to this new client.

But this helped me keep it in perspective that what I did this week, while an accomplishment does not even compare to the satisfaction and Love I get here with all of you.

Thanks for your support and love.

P.S. I kicked butt in my presentatation with the CEO. So glad it is over. Now th rest of the work begins. And I am overwhelmed by this new client but I held my own today. I guess I just need to take it a day at a time.

Johanna you have been an amazing friend to travel through this journey with. While I wish it were under different circumstances, your calm and thoughtfulness help me get through it.

DiMarie...I can only hope to give one ounce as much love and caring you have to give. You are an angel on earth.

Cyn - what that ole cyndy power is missing? I will serioulsy never forget meeting you at Tam's house and thinking WOW what an amazing person to have TOS and go through cancer and just look at her energy, her spirit and power. You are a dynamo, an inspiration. Your scare must have been so traumatic. I am so sorry that you had to endure that pain and fear. Do not let the bitterness get the best of you. You will find yourself in the quiet. Do not let the fear dominate. Recognize it's presence and then try your best to put it aside and just breathe and live. Try to look at the world as it just is, neither good nor bad and you will find balance. Fear is the worst and so exaggerates feelings and situations. I so wish you could see what all of us see when we look at you. Its beautiful and powerful.

Red....thank you so much for your compliment on my writing. I would love to read some of the things you have posted about a positive outlook. Do you still have them? And Red I need to get to know you better. I always try to read your posts but somedays I cannot keep up. to you for helping us all each day.

Thanks again guys.

[ocgirl]

I know what you mean Cyn.

After my daughter found me barely alive, the paramedics rushing me to the ER ( the 2 days in ICU that I don't remember) and 3 days on the telemetry floor; I am really weak and tired. The asthma and aspiration pneumonia on top of tos are just exhausting me.

Breathing is difficult at times. It's hard to keep on keepin'on. I must though for my family.

I have never been a fearful person but this respiratory stuff really scared me. It is pretty important to be able to breathe.! It happened without any notice. Last thing I remember I was standing in the kitchen, next thing I know I'm in the ER and people are yelling at me to wake up.

They gave me Narcan to reverse the effects of my pain med thinking that would help me wake up. I would wake up briefly in extreme pain, then I would go back unconscious. It was not the pain meds it was the low oxygen levels from long term asthma that was not allowing me to wake up.

I'm afraid to go to sleep fearing I won't wake up. I never want to experience again trying to wake from unconsciousness and the scary things I was dreaming.

As I said earlier, I have never been a fearful person. As an R.N. I have been through some scary experiences.

I was not afraid to go to court twice representing myself in the malpractice suit; facing three defense attorneys (it is really hard to get a medical malpractice attorney- let alone win the case ) There were court dates that had to be kept to keep the suit going.
Finally getting an attorney was a relief.

I wasn't afraid to stand up to the private eyes who were giving me a hard time when I asked them to serve the 3 docs and hospital their papers.

It seems like my body has tried to give up, it's not going to fight anymore.

I'll see the pulmonologist latter in the month.

In searching on line for a good massage therapist who is certified in neuromuscular massage I found one just a few miles away. Since he is in the pt clinic hopefully insurance will pick up the cost. I saw the owner/physical therapist who will treat me also. She has some great ideas that may help me. She is talking about hormone replacement (naturally) and how that may have had a part in my thyroid not working, the depression and other problems I have. I'm always open to new ideas to get better.

I should have called back my therapist a week ago, the smallest tasks seem monumental to me. Just trying to apply for financial aid for my 2 kids in college has been hard to get around to.

It has been 7 years for me also. Feb 2000 I had the parathyroidectomy that caused the tos.

Maybe at 7 years you hit the wall with tos.

Like the 7 year itch maybe

Like you OleCyn, we have a long way to go in life. Another 30 years of this?

Martha

Martha

[Jomar]

It's totally draining after such a long time too, I would think- emotionally as well as the physical side of it.
And all the legal and bureaucracy of Ins, bills and claims -
sheesh no wonder - you would just have to "crash" once in awhile and recharge your whole self.

I hope the new PT and some of their ideas will help you.