[harley]

good grief. i am so tired of the ups and downs of my moods. at least i have a few things i can blame them on.. (such as meds, pd, menapause, being german, being a mother, being blonde ... yada yada yada). but, that cannot change the fact they will come. and when they do they take me and anyone around me totally by surprise. or do they? people have told me that in some cases they "feel" a mood beginning to stir in me. i dont. or maybe i am just not consiously aware or being on the look out for it. so when it becomes noticable enough to be classified a "mood". and honestly i am beginning to think i am losing either the capability to grasp ahold of it and deal with it; or i just dont care any more.

the moods i am talking about usually involve anger, depression, anxiety, and then on the flip side... apathy. i propabaly could surmise that when i am happy i am in a "good" mood, but i would like to believe this mood is more of a frame of mind.. not a mood. i think there is a difference, and i think its all in perception of what a "mood" really is. what gives it the distinction that it is different from the feelings i carry around with me? i can examine my feelings. i analize each tidbit from the moment i can recall discovering life till right now. this gives me a sort of owners manual into how i operate. feelings are fairly easy to figure out. but not moods. at least not the ones that come out of nowhere and disapper as fast as they arrive. these do not make sense to me.

when i get one of these moods, i cant make it go away by ignoring it. it sits there on my mind, teasing my common sense with the tenacity of a mosquito. it waits for me to acknowledge it so it can come to life and suck all of the blood out of a calm moment and turn it into nothing short of a chaotic mess. or it will have words coming from my mouth that leave me standing in front of a mirror thinking "was that really my voice saying that?" then, to keep myself from looking like i have gone over the edge, apathy comes to play. "whatever. who cares" becomes the lifeboat saving me from drowning in my own horse pucky.


maybe i should just accept the fact i have no control over these moods coming, but i do have control over what happens when they come. it is time to put excuses aside and become responsible. as a human, i am prone to making error calls. as a human, i am going to be moody at times. as a human, i will have to put pride away sometimes and give myself an "its ok" hug when moods strike. there is no need to try and justify why this part of my pd personality is. it just is.. and thats that. awareness is the essential ingrediant needed when living with mood swings. recognizing them is the hardest part of the battle. the body is changing, and acceptance of the fact that going along with meds, pd, menapause, yada yada yada will also come a variety of moods, can make life so much less a mystery.

then, i can grab that mood, look at it, and find my can of raid.