[Smiley]

Hi All,
First time user to this site so hope i get this right.
A brief intro;

I have suffered with poor sleeping patterns for many years now - often only getting a few hours a night (due to low grade long term depression/stress/and a deviated septum which means i cant breath thru one nostril - plus dustmite allergies on top of this makes my nose blocked at night) - anyway this over a long time lead to adrenal exhaustion and chronic fatigue.
I turned 40 the other day and my biological clock is ticking big time. Im just not sure my body in this tired/exhausted state can handle having a baby which ive heard is very demanding on the body - and at the age of 40! I know this is a very personal decision but maybe i could get some views of any of the other members that have possibly been in the same situation.
Everyone goes on about how great it is to be a 'mum' and i shouldnt miss out on the experience in my life - but how does one decide - especially when you cant try before you buy? Plus im not 100% on my partner! - is anybody i wonder?
The other area i wanted to look into is if anyone has had surgery for a deviated septum ( breathing thru my left nostril is almost non existant) and found success. Im not really keen on surgeries and ive heard that scaring can often make the situation worse/or there is no improvement at all. I also read about a heat treatment somewhere where they soften the cartilage and reshape it - which sounds a better option to me. So i would like to hear from others and there experience if there is anyone.
Im currently studying a degree in Nutritional medicine -which is not easy at 40! but am only in my first year and i can only manage part-time so it will be another few years yet before i graduate.
Look forward to chating soon.

[theoneRogue420]

Hi Smiley, welcome to NT!

I can't say I've been in your shoes, but my ex-husband and his wife had a baby while in their 40's. It hasn't turned out so well, and the kid is a real pain. It is in no way his fault... it's theirs.

They both have busy schedules, as you do. It was extremely hard for them to give the child the proper amount of attention. For example, their son wasn't taught to read at home, like his two older half-brothers (my kids) were... they let the school handle it. They didn't have the time or patience to do it themselves. He didn't have the head start they did, and it showed. Plus, their energy levels had dropped dramatically from when they were in their 20's, of course. Dillon never got to experience having his mom and dad really play with him, the way a person in theirs 20's would. Some of my kids best memories are of times we spent doing very physical things. I am 45 now, sick, tired and in constant pain... there is no way I could be an effective mother in my condition.

If you are afraid you don't have the strength and energy to deal with being pregnant, then what about afterwards? It takes much more energy to raise the child than to give birth to it.

Also, you mention not being 100% sure of your partner... that is a very bad sign! Raising a child is a long-term commitment that requires at least two people. The bigger the support system, the better off the child is. My sons are the product of divorce, and it was a very hard thing for them. It broke my heart to see them hurting because their father wasn't "there for them". He once accused me of lying to the kids about him, when we were in a custody hearing. I admitted it to the judge... because what else was I supposed to do? Tell them their father just couldn't be bothered to call them or come for a visit? I would never do that to them... I just told them he was "at sea" all the time (he was in the navy). Once one partner moves out of the area, it makes it much easier for that person to slowly lessen their communications and visits with their child. It is easy and common to get caught up in theirs lives and forget the people that aren't close by.

Dillon has told me something that he would never admit to his parents. He says it is extremely embarassing to have all your friends think your parents are your grandparents. When he turned 10, his mother was 51.

There's also the whole subject of the state of the world these days... global warming, running out of oil, etc. Even the most conservative scientists are predicting a gloomy future. Can anyone know what lies ahead?

I hope this helps in some small way. I just wanted to answer you in the most honest, forthright way I could. I'm hoping the other folks here at NT take this post as my opinion, and only my opinion... I am not out to start a war here.

If you decide to go ahead, then I wish you the best. Children are both a blessing and a curse, no matter what age their parents are!!

[AfterMyNap]

Hi, Smiley, weclome to NeuroTalk!

I'm 44 and single, no kids, no regrets. It is a personal decision to have a child and I can honestly tell you that I have never yearned to be a mother. I get along fine with kids, but I also like returning them to their owners.

I like men too, but no one of them was created to follow my orders in a timely, acceptable fashion. So, I get my kicks from tweakng my friends' husbands on the butts.

If it's any consolation, I personally believe strongly that not all women are meant to be mothers. If I had chosen that path, I'm fairly certain that I would be a card-carrying, V.I.P. member of the family discount bailbonds club.

[Smiley]

Hi Cindy and Rogue,

Thanks for replying to my 'thread'?. I really appreciate your honest comments as i lost my mum (my best friend) a couple of years ago to cancer and ive never had a father - so any help/words of wisdom from ladies older than myself with more life experience is GREATLY appreciated.
I have hit the reply to thread button so i hope you guys get this ok.
Smiley

[AfterMyNap]

You're doing just fine, Smiley, and you're quite welcome. This is pretty much what we do around here.

If you want more replies, feel free to start a new thread in any of the forums that might suit your fancy.

[DM]

Hi and Welcome to NT. Rogue and Cin have given you something to think about. I am 52 and my kid's are grown and on their own. I always wanted to be a Mom. So guess what I'm trying to say is~ that if you really REALLY want to be a parent, then you shouldn't have to ask about it.

A biological clock is just that... It's not the emotions, love, care, or expense there is of raising a child. You deserve to be happy and so does a child. You sound like a very busy person, but it it's meant to be, then you will know.

I am glad you found us... Please know that I am not preaching, just know a few couples who had kids and it really wasn't fair to the kids...

A family starts with love.

take care and look within yourself for the answer...

Originally Posted by AfterMyNap

I like men too, but no one of them was created to follow my orders in a timely, acceptable fashion. So, I get my kicks from tweakng my friends' husbands on the butts.

I can vouch for that one, Smiley! She's notorious for that!!!

[dscruggs]

Hi Smiley! I can't say I've been in exactly your shoes, but I do have some experiences that may help your decision.

My mother was 40 when she had my baby sister (I was 16 and my brother was 10). It was a wonderful experience for everyone - she said Ju was the easiest baby to raise, by far. But one of the reasons she was the easiest was because I was 16 and my brother was 10. My uncle was also living with us at the time. There was ALWAYS somebody she could had the baby off too when she got busy or tired. I can even remember waking up at 2 am and changing diapers and feeding Ju a bottle. Bottom line - none of us would give up having my sister around (she's 30 now) but her childhood was a little unorthodox.

I had my first child at 30 and had no problems. I had my second child at 36 and the difference was phenomenal. I know I let him get away with things, simply because I was too tired and it was easier to let him have his own way. I suffered from severe post partum depression. And, when he was 2, I developed neurocardiogenic syncope.

The result is that I can't do many of the things I would have normally done with him. He's a wonderful kid and doesn't know the difference, but I do. Would I do anything different, if I had known what was coming down the road? Absolutely not - b/c I KNOW how great he is. But if I hadn't had him and experienced his "crazy happy" grin, I would have thought about it very carefully.

My children are my gift to the world. They make my world infinitly better, simply by giving me a grin and a quick kiss. I wouldn't give them up.

But they are trying. And on my really bad days, I wish they would just go away.

SO - if you've got a support system in place and you think your body is up to it - go for it. But if your spouse/partner isn't on board all the way and you don't have any other full-time support, I would seriously question the wisdom of having a baby. Hope this helps.

[Darlene]

Smiley,

Hello and welcome to NeuroTalk. As you can see there are a good deal of people here showing love and comfort. My mother was 42 when I was borned. I couldn't of asked for a better one either. Mom did have some help from my dad and brother who was 11 at the time I was born. She was unable to be involed with alot of things in school (room mother, PTA, etc.). Then again she was called mom by all my friends through my raising.

I have had 2 myself and it was wonderful raising them, even if at times I felt pulling my hair out. It is a long-term affair. Good luck.

Darlene

[Smiley]

Thanks to everyone who took the time to reply to my thread.
The main issue it comes down to for me is energy due to poor sleeping patterns for many years so i think i will post a thread on the insomnia and CFS link.
I have plenty of time on my hands - in fact too much sometimes. I havent worked for the last 4 years (only 1 day per week) because of my sheer fatigue with not sleeping well. Now i am studying 2 days per week, but i am willing to give that up to be a mum no problem.

My partner although he isnt who i imagined myself with for various reasons, IS very loving, caring, communicative and loyal. (He has a doonar, pillow and hot water bottle for his dog who he takes everywhere and loves to bits - i guess shes his child). He doesnt care either way about a child - if we dont have one, we want to go out there and help save endangered wildlife in some way!!

My ultimate concern is that with my energy being so low ( i have a constant twitch in my eye, and ive had a herpes breakout every month for the last 3 years - which tells me my immunue system is struggling) that having a baby will sap more of the core energy from which i am running on and i will feel like a zombie. when i go to shopping malls, the energy of kids running everywhere and shouting makes me feel really tired. I dont have any family or close friends in Perth, so there would be little help around.


Its just that there IS definitely a part of me that longs to be a Mum (and i know id be a good mum as i know i have a very loving gentle nature) but i dont want it to be at my own healths expense (hope that doesnt sound selfish). But, who knows maybe a baby IS what i need in my life and will lift me out of the depression ive had around feeling a little lost with that something missing.

I would really love to hear from anyone out there who has had children at a later stage in life who has been in a similar situation as me and their health has suffered as a consequense/or the baby's. Or any that didnt go the children route and if they regret it or not?

Smiley

[lil birdie]

Hi Smiley~
I read you post and just had to comment. I think you know the answer to your question deep down. Otherwise you would not have asked for help. I have to agree with the one gal. Not all women were made to be mothers. However, I had worked in infertility for some time and I honestly can say I found that women in their late 30's early 40's turned outto be the best mums.
Any mother will tell you being pregnant is scary because of all the "what ifs".
But quite honestly, when you look at that child for the first time.You'll know it was meant to be. As for men...My mother used to say:There's good and bad in every kind" She was 41 when she gave birth to me.