[Megan]

Throughout my life I have always been diligent, meticulous and industrious. I have had a very strong work ethic drummed into me since young as exampled by my parents and continued by myself and my siblings.

I have very rarely just 'sat and stared'....as that would be considered, being idle! I had to leave my part time job for health reasons nearly four years ago and don't see much prospect of returning. I feel a tiny bit guilty for not contributing financially now.

However since the advent of my current health issues - PN (peripheral neuropathy) which includes incredible fatigue and pain, I don't care a whole lot about achieving anything at all. In fact I have large proportions of time when I wish our 14 year old dog would die sooner rather than later; our son (aged 25) would leave home; and someone else would take primary care of my ageing mother. It's all too much of a hassle. I simply can't be bothered and I am resenting it all - mostly on most days.

The house is too much work, the ironing has piled up, the washing seems endless, cooking is way too much effort, the outside garden, paths and surrounds which I used to keep looking good are just plain hard work and often beyond me. I want to live in a tiny house/shack/shed/caravan where I don't have many possessions nor much to do. Just my husband and me!!

We know that in time all these factors (dog, son and mother) will change and we will be able to make decisions to downsize etc. but for the moment it is not the right time and I feel so trapped and frustrated by the lack of order and my ability to do a whole lot about it.

What probably makes it so hard is that I am ambivalent. I care, but I don't care about my environment now.

[Blessings2You]

Sometimes I think, "I want to care, but I'm too tired to care." That kind of sounds like what you're saying. You are angry and frustrated because you can't live the kind of life you want to live (and feel you SHOULD be living), and that is spilling out as resentment toward your mother and your son (and your dog!)

I will pray that you will get some help with these responsibilities. (Nothing wrong with a 25-year-old man moving out on his own...is there a reason he is not helping with the washing, ironing, cooking, gardening, etc.?)

If no one else is able to accept primary care of your mom, can someone at least give you some respite? Share the responsibilities?

Keep us posted.

[Chemar]

(((((Megan))))

Have you been checked by a doctor to see if you may be suffering with depression, I dont just mean feeling low depressed, but actual clinical depression. There are meds and natural supplements that can really help with that

I am primary caregiver to a very sick husband and son with chronic health conditions, and so I do know the feeling of being overwhelmed with all else that needs taking care of. coupled with your pain and fatigue....I can only imagine how you must be feeling.......

I pray that God will give you a renewed sense of hope today and help lift you up.

Please stay in touch here, even if you just need to vent more. It isnt good to keep it all in and we are here to listen and to pray.



Cheri

[Idealist]

I agree with Blessings and Chemar. I've felt what you do. I felt it for a whole year. It's very likely that part of it is depression. But even after you beat that, these illnesses leave a hole in you sometimes, and it seems to suck in all of your goodness and best intentions. My most common prayer is for Christ to give me purpose and motivation. Don't be so hard on yourself, Megan. It takes time for these things to resolve themselves. Just be patient and consistent. I really wish you the very best. Good luck and God bless.

Idealist

[DM]

Hi Megan. You know I really think a lot of us can relate to at least part of your post. I know, I have felt a little overwhelmed myself lately, and I certainly do not have as much on my plate as you do. I agree w/what the others have said, and I reread Idealist's post several times, as it helped me too.

Sometimes just coming here and posting or talking to someone can make a person feel better by just getting some of the frustration out. Please let us know how you are feeling.

One question for you Megan~~~ You really IRON???? I bow down before you woman!!!!! take care

[SandyC]

Oh, I think many of us can relate to you in many ways. Some days it seems there is so much to do that there is no way it will ever resolve itself. Between kids, hubby with ms, sick mom, sick dog, house issues, cleaning, laundry, family drama, etc....you get what I mean. It can suck you in and make you want to cry "CALGON!!!!!!"

Take a moment or two to yourself to gather back who you are. I think sometimes we get so wrapped up in taking care of everyone else that we forget to take care of ourselves. I also like to remember that God has given me this job and that I must do the best that I can to make him proud. HE is my boss, my father, my shoulder to lean on. HE wouldn't put me here without a reason or a purpose.

Before my husband became too sick to be alone I taught art and design in a college setting. I had just started my career. Within 1.5 years of working my husband became sick and needed me to care for him. I don't regret it at all. I like to look at it as my chance to spend as much time as I can with him which wasn't possible when I worked. It's hard at times but not as hard as what some people deal with. There will always be someone who is suffering far worse than us. That's what keeps me going.

My prayers to you and feel free to Pm me anytime you need an ear to listen.

[Looking4hope]

Hi Megan,

I don't think your "confession" is awful, although I totally understand how hard it is talk about the way that you feel. I give you credit for doing so. It's hard to talk about it when you think nobody else understands, nobody else feels this way, so it must be wrong.

Just let me say that I know exactly how you feel. When I read what you wrote, I thought that's exactly how I've been feeling. You get to the point that you don't even care that you don't care anymore. It's the pits. Everything in my life is too much, so I don't do it. Thinking about stuff can be too much, so I don't do it. Because I don't care. It's sad but true. Depression does that to you and you are not alone in this. I want you to understand that because I know it has helped me when people step up to the plate and are truthful.

If you haven't yet, please consider seeing a doctor for the depression. I can be controlled and your illness is making it worse. It's a cycle that is hard to break out of but just try to take a first step and it doesn't have to be big. Try not to feel bad that things aren't getting done and set your goals small and then view them as accomplishments OK?

I will offer up my prayers for you as well.

Hope

[Cowcntry]

Hello Megan,

Please don't feel bad about what you have said. There are times when I feel the same way. Although I don't have a sick mother or dog that I have to take care of, I do have a 5 year old who has so much energy, I wish I had an ounce of his.

Before I got help for my depression, I was contemplating suicide. I don't know if I ever would have done it, because I know if I did, I would go to Hell, plus I would leave my son without a mother, a husband without a wife and my parents without a daughter. I can see how it can get you so down and you think the pain will not go away. Mine was the constant pain with the peripheral neuropathy that I have in both of my feet. I was always thinking how in the world can I take care of anyone, when I can't even take care of myself.

Well, it's better and so is my depression. It also helps to talk to people and this community has wonderful people who will listen, respond and pray for you. Just take one day at a time and one goal at a time, like Hope said, set them small. We are here for you, so anytime you need to talk just write.

Take care and you will be in my prayers.

Michele

[Corkybird]

I was thinking depression as well...been down that road myself, where you just totally loose interest in ANYTHING in your life. No interest in things that we used to enjoy, wanting to sleep all the time, sitting and crying, not wanting to leave the house. Prayers that you shall soon feel comfort in taking it a tiny step at a time.

[crytears]

Dear Megan and others who can relate.
I don't find any wrong in being brutally honest and opening up ourselves.
In the Psamls David opened his heart up to God and he too was honest in telling GOD what He already knew.
God felt closer to David than He did to other Prophets because David was open and honest.
You haven't taken the time to care for "self"...as if doing for self is some horrible ugly sin!
But we who are care givers/takers NEVER ever think of giving to self.
It feels absolutley foreign.
Then when our bodies eventually fall apart...and is only matter of time this happens.
Is a matter of IF, but WHEN our health fails us...by time we come to point where WE are the ones needing help...we just can't allow this.

Then we may become angry...we may dispaly passive agressive behavior.
We beat ourselves up for thinking..."wish the dog would go away, son move out...its way past time!...and someone to take care of Mama cause I just can't do it anymore!"
Yes...is part anger, depression, maybe even self hate?
I too share a lot of what you're feeling...my service dog, big hairy black lab, Satin...she's got a heart of gold and has been my faithful companion and there for me during my darkest hours (I'd gotten her as a comfort "tool" while suffering severe anemia and other health issues. I'd had an intestinal AVM, aneurism like mass...so always having blood transfusions, test and spending endless nights in the hosptials....at home I feared dying alone...and with valid reason....so wasn't just some idea I had.
But now I've gone past that saga and now on to the next, but I'm no longer needing a service animal and things have changed.
Satin is older now, deaf and health begining to fail.
She licks, snorts, chews on her paws....and stinks because unending ear infections (is a Lab deal)....she drives me nuts!
She pee's in the living room if I'm not careful to let her out, and a few times has poo'd.
She sheds non stop and I'm forced to vacuum too often.
I love her to bits...but is time for her to GO!...I often yell at her "Die! Die...DIE!"...she only wags her tails, squnts her eyes and smiles like she always did when paid attention to.
We need new carpets throughout our home...but not till she's gone!
Its going to break my heart when she does die. No doubt will be traumatic event and I'll kick myself for thinking those awful thoughts of wanting her to just die.
And yes...my mom has Alzheimers, is failing fast...way too fast.
So far her husband is able to caretake for her...but not for long.
Maybe my mom will take Satin for a very long walk!...OK is not funny, but you know what I mean.
My mother was NEVER a mother...our rolls were reversed.
When I became too ill to "do for her"...she began to "shun" me.
Is been very hard having been raised by two very crazy, narsisstic, personality disordered "parants".
I was ALWAYS the giver, mother to much younger siblings...the list is endless and I need to stop here...don't want to be narsisstic myself here.
I found this psychology web site...lots of good info...don't have to agree with everything, but lots of good info to ponder.
Here's the link:
http://www.guidetopsychology.com/index.html
All of us will find something we can relate...hope this helps.
Blessings, CryTears
Pictures of Satin being naughty, mothering big cat B-boo,
My all time favorite picture of the Lord watching over us.
Multnomah Falls in winter.