[crytears]

Hi...I'm so lonely and sad lately...
I guess I'm just too narsisstic and not worth talking to by anyone.
I'm feeling so sad about all this...I've been crying a lot lately too,
This really cut me down to bits.
I feel like no one in this world gives a rip whether I'm alive or dead.
I don't have any family...too long/sad a story.
So I'm feeling very worthless these days....
I have very poor/low self esteme.
While growing up, I never had time to form lasting freindships because
we moved ALL the time in between the beatings my bio sperm donor gave me!...
Think it was so I wouldn't tell anyone or show the bruisings...why my mom wouldn't protect me...is sad.
Anyway...I'm just a pile of saddness, pain and always self focused because of this.
I guess I'm just not worth it...anyone ever feel this way?
I once was a top sales agent and had a great Real Estate business, then all in one season..
.my body reacted to chemicals in our new home.
Seee.God punished me for getting a new home filled with new stuff!
Then my health took a dive and I got on SSI.
Anyway...whaaaaaa! Whaaaaaa! Whaaaaaa!
CryTears
PS....Oh, and I'm feeling sorry for self too! can you tell?

[Peter B]

Hi crytears, so sorry to hear that you are a bit down.
As far as having problems like that with internet groups, it happens all the time. Being able to say things that you probably wouldn't say face -to- face can very easily lead to conflicts and misunderstandings.
A lot of people don't really listen or read correctly, and always put themselves as the centre of everything.
don't blame yourself, as it may be to do with something else entirely. Put it down to experience, and move on.
I think it is always a good policy to avoid getting really personal in these groups. You really don't know who you are talking too, and there are some unwell people who may not be able to communicate as you would like.
So I say, you are certainly not alone in this sort of thing, it happens a lot, so put it aside and move on. I would also suggest that while you can get a lot of friendship, fun and enjoyment from forums, youn should not expect to find a true soul buddy. You might, but.....
Why would God be concerned about you and your house? I think there are enough real problems to sort out in the world before that! (joke).

[Kitty]

Big hugs . . . .

[Tootsie]

So sorry about your dilemma. That was a mean thing your 'friends' did, but realize that these types of friends are not the same as all friends.

I'm sure you are feeling very isolated. Illness often makes us feel isolated and envious of those who feel good.

It would be a good idea for you to find a counselor to talk over these problems with.

You've already identified low self esteem and problems with your children, so now find out why this is happening and what (if anything) you can do about it.

Sometimes you just have to let go.

In some ways we (all of us in one way or another) allow this type of thing to undermine our mental health.

Those 'chat' friends have their own issues and some people enjoy making others feel bad or perhaps they need someone to feel lower than they feel?

Hard to say.

Be careful what you tell people. Chat and other posting can be more gossipy than helpful.

You do need someone to talk to. Try to find someone trustworthy. If you can afford counseling that's your best bet to start with.

Good Luck.

Tootsie

[sugarboo]

I'm on a financial/stock trading board in addition to this one. I've said this before; but it is a mean spirted and nasty, nasty place! The long term, experienced traders would chew me up and spit me out(been there 3 years). They called me mean names like hog, trailer trash and took my name (greenjeans) and turned it into a four letter word.

I was devistated and left the computer many times in tears. I ended up getting in with the wrong crowd for self preservation. I could not understand why the 'in' group didn't like me.

One day, talk of the war came up and I showed my support for the Marines. Thats when MY group turned on me. Many other things took place in addition to this, but then I was alone, humiliated, attacked endlessly....by both sides.

So I stopped writing for months and months. However, I own this stock, and felt I was entitled to write too. I eventually went back on, and much to my surprise, the 'in' group brougt me in under their wing, or protection. Now I have built relationships with that group, and they love me. Who would have known???!!! The very group that hated me before, now thinks I'm 'all that'!

Now my old 'friends' harrass, humiliate and say the meanest things about me. Even this past weekend!! My NEW friends, attack back to protect me! I zipped on a thick skin, and see very clearly now what and why this all took place. The story too long to share here.

I no longer cry over what the other group says, I enjoy seeing the new group attack back on my account, and I learned that FRIENDSHIPS ARE HARD FOUGHT AND HARD WON on MB.

The fact is, people on MB can and do look for your weakness, and because they can hide in there little computer world, they feel no guilt when they hurt someone. They don't care!

I guess the moral to the story is that you must choose friends wisely, look for clues that they may not be the friend you think they are, and be prepared to protect yourself FIRST. You will make new friends on the internet, and this lesson you've learned is probably a blessing....they were not real friends to begin with! They just enjoyed having control of their circle and when you tried to bring others in, you became a threat. The "leader" didn't like it, and thus to put you in your 'place'...they dumped you.

I'm sorry that happened! It happens all the time....I'm sure you really did do nothing wrong...and the problem is with them, not you!!

Also, God is not punishing you! We feel that way sometimes, but if we would learn to LISTEN to him...he would lead us away from the bad stuff....we choose our own path and face the reprecussions!

Sounds like your children have alot of growing up to do. I had to stop caring so much for my then 16-17 year old as she was crazy mean to me for no reason at that time. She is now 19 and worships the groud I walk on! Sometimes, you have to give tough love to get real love back....a hard road, but possible!

I hope you feel better soon. I may have over shared here....but I always feel better when I see that someone out there has gone thru similar things....and I can relate to it. The good news is that time heals and you will be a stronger and smarter person either as a Mother, Board Member, or in prayer.

[clouds z]

that sucks sorry

yeah it seems on these forums and on others in last 2 years people ive talked to for years ignore me and friends i had wont call

partly because i dont think barack obama is the messiah

i hope you begin to feel better soon

[greta]

Hey Clouds-
I've lost friends on message boards as well. Then I start to wonder - were they really friends? My true friends are the ones I can always count on and talk to regularly. The rest are merely acquaintances.

I'm sure you'll make some new friends here - it's a very friendly sort of place!

[crytears]

Hi again...thanks for your hugs, support and suggestions.
I edited most of what I'd written earlier here in this thread,
just dont want more uglies! Is non productive anyway.
"These" aren't bad people...just very confused and frightened like the rest of us,
just they are terribly confused and get things so mixed up..
But lesson learned, never try to get close to anyone! NEVER!
I've been see'ing a "shrink" as part of contract for pain clinic patients.
He's tried helping me thru all this as well,
knows I'm not crazy, just suffer poor self esteeme and pain and poor health.

Is what "most/all of "us" " suffer with/from when have such...
think the pain meds and steroids I MUST take causes a lot of this.
I fully admit I'm terribly narsisstic...
How can one think outside self when they have pain?
Then factor in the way I was "raised", by 2 crazies! oyeee!
I've told others who don't suffer pain and try tell me to just "suck it up"
I urge them to put a bunch of clothes pins pinched all over your body...
at least 50 of them!
Now...let it pinch all over for several hours...
Now....Lets see what YOU think or talk about!
That gets people thinking, but they'd never try it!
But is what most of us "live" with when have chronic pain and illnesses.
I think that part of medical training should include their virtually experiencing chronic pain/suffering,
as well as no income, fatigue and loneliness that accompanies all this.
Also treated by naysaying skeptical rolling eye'd doctors!
I think medical community would treat people with a little more respect!

And I must admit this...when I worked in the hospital lab as a medical Phlebotomist drawing blood.
I saw it all! Heard it all and I too became very complacant.
I wouldn't say I wasn't compassionate because my nature is very caring and giving. I'm a natural careTAKER.
Sadly I too was disbeleiving, roll eyes, out of sight of course, whenever a "patient"
would continue on and on about their pain and suffering....sad saga.

They looked so healthy and normal, didn't look "un-well"...how could they be that ill? Ha! Boy do I know that story!
I'd think, "yeah right, lady what you need is get your butt out of bed and put on some lipstick, then get to work!"

I really thought these thoughts when healthy looking women came in for endless panels of blood work ordered.
They'd whine, cry about endless days of pain, not able to function, fatigued,
you know the saga...yada yada yada! whaaa whaaa whaaaa!
I became numb to their endless lists of puzzeling symptoms,
wonder to myself "Do I LOOK like I give a rip?!!"
Perhaps I did as I was very gentle and tried to be understanding
when it came to poking someone, especially if they shared my phobia of needles.
I hope I never hurt anyone or that my skepticism showed.

Yes, is puzzeling I took up this "proffesssion= Phlebotomy"
but I was desperate for better income as we had 3 kids in private school.
My terrible fear/phobia of needles vs much better income over minimum wage won out.
Phlebotomy fit well with my love of people and Medicine plus much better income.
But was really Gods way of getting ME over my fear/phobia of needles and syringes.

Later when I became severely anemic I needed endless blood testing and
numerous blood transfusions for nearly 3 years. Was a virtual nightmare.
But at least I no longer would run off screaming when I'd see syringes.
I actually loved drawing blood, even from tiny hours old babies!
So was good way for me to get over my fears as I needed numerous endless pokings
that continue but not nearly as much because they finally found a baseball sized AVM (aneurism like) in my small intestines.
Once they removed that, along with few inches intestines, they resected me in 2 areas of small intestines,
also removed over 3 feet, two fingers, 3 toes, an arm and a leg! Ha ha!
I'm being silly here, but ya gotta laugh else you'll cry as was just too much for one life!

After years as a Plebotomist, I went into selling Real Estate.
I loved it! but then...one fall...was all over for me after moving into a beautiful home set high up on a knoll, filled with all new "stuff".
We closed our home up tight trying to ward off bitter cold and ice storm.
But by January I began having low grade temps, muscle/joint pain, fatigue, tummy aches...felt like truck ran over me.
The doctor I'd seen advised me perhaps tight pants I was wearing caused my tummy aches...what??? Just another Idiot doc!!
I asked for something to help my pain...OMG!
I didn't ask for a bolus of MORPHINE!
But he wrote across my chart "ASKED FOR DRUGS=VICODIN!"
I was labled a drug seeker! What?...I'd thrown out several bottles of unused pain meds,
Percocete, Vicodin, Morhpine both my husband and I had recieved for surgeries and Larrys cancer treatments.
I had no idea about pain meds in those days, but I was in severe pain
and heard that Vicodin worked better than Tylenol or IBprohin. What a nightmare!

I was refused ANY sort of pain meds as it was written in red marker
on front of my medical chart stating I was a drug seeker!
Here's a hint people! NEVER ask for pain meds!
Even when you're dying from pain!...just suffer! Ha!...no kick the doctor in his cajonies...well you know!

Then they'll lable you as violent!...but anythings better than being labled drug seeker when you're in horrible pain!
Took me years to get one single bottle of Vicodin, but took having psychological testing by drug councilor.
Once they saw that I was NOT what they'd 1st labled me as a drug seeker and really in pain,
was "allowed" bottle of 10 Vicodin, 5 mg. Ha!
Turns out it made my throat itch so couldn't take that!
I've had a very adverse reaction to other meds
Was an endless saga! Hot baths work best for Fibro pain..
Was really a food allergy! Wheat, Broccolli, eggs, chicken, few others.
Once I stopped eating wheat, muscle pain and diarreah went away!

But oh how I miss soft gooey bread! Or sour dough toast...oh why that?
Why me? why? Is reason I ask God, dont trust Him and question His ways.
I struggle daily...perhaps one day I'll find the answers I'm seeking.
Blessings, CryTears
Laughter IS good medicine, but careful gals...sometimes we leak when we laugh!...so stiffle the giggles!

[Wiix]

Originally Posted by crytears

Hi...I'm so lonely and sad lately...
I guess I'm just too narsisstic and not worth talking to by anyone.
I'm feeling so sad about all this...I've been crying a lot lately too,
This really cut me down to bits.
I feel like no one in this world gives a rip whether I'm alive or dead.
I don't have any family...too long/sad a story.
So I'm feeling very worthless these days....
I have very poor/low self esteme.
While growing up, I never had time to form lasting freindships because
we moved ALL the time in between the beatings my bio sperm donor gave me!...
Think it was so I wouldn't tell anyone or show the bruisings...why my mom wouldn't protect me...is sad.
Anyway...I'm just a pile of saddness, pain and always self focused because of this.
I guess I'm just not worth it...anyone ever feel this way?
I once was a top sales agent and had a great Real Estate business, then all in one season..
.my body reacted to chemicals in our new home.
Seee.God punished me for getting a new home filled with new stuff!
Then my health took a dive and I got on SSI.
Anyway...whaaaaaa! Whaaaaaa! Whaaaaaa!
CryTears
PS....Oh, and I'm feeling sorry for self too! can you tell?

Anyway...I'm just a pile of saddness, pain and always self focused because of this.
I guess I'm just not worth it...anyone ever feel this way?

Hey there ct. Naa, we seem to be in this mode lately, I am, I know that. I've be moaning all day too. I don't feel all that good myself lately and have many of the things you talk about happened to me too. We all need to get together and talk somewhere sometimes when we get to feeling SO Down. Right about now I feel like crawling in a hole and pulling it in after me.

I feel like no one in this world gives a rip whether I'm alive or dead.

Exactly. I feel lke crying right now anyway. Most of today I have felt this way. I am going to blame it on either the barometric pressure, Hormones or low blood sugar. It can't possibly be me just DEPRESSED. I have good days and bad days and today isn't good.

[sugarboo]

I'm always amazed when someone on a board treats someone bad for any reason. If you don't like what you see, ignore it and move on. Its rude, bad manners and very mean to memorialize things in writing to hurt someone. They may be 'good people' but good people say mean things too and shame on them! To say that you NEVER want to make a friend is proof you still are hurt. Why oh why would someone on a MB WANT to hurt someone? Makes no sense! I can only figure they need to bring one person down to feel better about themselves...put themselves on an (undeserved) pedastal. JMHO.

Glad you feel better