[Nik-key]

In a few days it would have been my dad and step moms anniversary.
I love her like a mom, we never use step in my family. I want to do something
for her, but I am at a loss as to what. This has been so hard on all of us, I don’t want to cause her more hurt, but I don’t know, I don’t want to just pretend this day hasn’t always been special either.

I feel so bad for her, she is the one who found him. She heard the shot and went outside. What I saw gives me nightmares, and I didn’t see all that she did. I brought her yellow roses on Dad’s birthday, she liked that, and brought one down to his grave. But, I don’t know.. I have never lost a husband to suicide and can’t begin to figure this out. Any ideas?

[Abbie]

Just a thought....

Do you know of anything special your dad used to do for her... a special flower or candy???

I was thinking maybe if he got her roses... you could get her one stem or maybe it was candy...maybe a small box.


Or maybe just call her and let her know that you are thinking of her on what what must be a difficult day.

I'm sure whatever you do... she'll appreciate it.


Abbie

[Koala77]

What about taking her to a plant nursery and allowing her to choose a flower or shrub to plant in the special garden that you're going to make.

You could either stop at a cafe or go back to your house for lunch, and then have a private little planting ceremony of the flower or shrub that she chose. I would plant it in a large tub for now to give it time to get a good start while you decide the layout for the garden. That way it will be easier to move when you're ready.

You could even put the tub in the area that you have chosen for the garden, and if you can afford it.... maybe offer to have a plaque printed with her own special message on it to have embedded in the garden in front of the plant. If you don't have the money to do that, maybe suggest that she might like to do that at some later stage.

[Nik-key]

Thank you both, I truly appreciate your ideas. Birthdays, Father's day etc have all been about him, days we celebrated him alone. But an anniversary is a bit different, I guess I am unsure if she wants to be reminded. As I have no idea what she would want-I guess the only way I can know, is to suck it up and ask her

My family is tight, and we have BBQ's / pot lucks every other weekend. It just happens that we are doing one on Saturday, their anniversary would have been Sunday. I was thinking of bringing yellow roses, with a card... not an anniversary card... but a thinking of you card. And also let her know if she wanted to be alone I fully understood, but if she wanted company I would be there. So hard *sigh

PS abbie, yellow roses were always my Dad's flower to give all his girls

[Koala77]

I love yellow roses too. Yellow for remembrance!

[Alffe]

Do you have any of their wedding pictures Nikki? Maybe give her one in a new frame. I can't remember if you mentioned her religion....is she accepting his "choice"?

I've found comfort in the words of Algernon Swinburne..

From too much love of living
From hope and fear set free,
We thank with brief thanksgiving
Whatever Gods may be

That no life lives forever
That dead men rise up never;
That even the weariest river
Wind somewhere safe to sea.

[Doody]

I like the idea of inviting her to go somewhere with you. Get her out of the house and outside moving around.

[Burntmarshmallow]

I also like the idea of getting her out and going some place at least for a little while. sorry I dont have anything helpfull to share today but i do like that idea the most.
God Bless you for being such a wonderful daughter and Angel friend and family memeber here!

PEACE
BMW

[Addy]

Gosh, you're such a thoughtful daughter in law Nikk-key. Everyone's ideas are super and I think you'll know what to do. It just helps to talk about it, doesn't it.

(((hugs))))
Addy

[Nik-key]

Yes it does help talking about it Addy.
Talking about it is the only thing that has kept me sane
I grieve the way I love, with all that I am. It is more painful to bull right through it, but I think the healing will come quicker. By that I mean, if I try to burry it, it will only come back to haunt me later.

Alffe, you know I do have a fabulous picture of them at their wedding. I had it and many others blown up for the memorial service. That’s a wonderful idea, thank you.

So I think I will chicken out a bit. I think on Saturday, I will put the picture, Abbies idea of a single flower... yellow rose, and a card in her car when she isn't looking I will tell her in the card that I would love to take her out the next day IF she wants company.

I like Koala's idea too. I already have the marble plaque made with my poem etched on it for the memorial garden. But, I think I will ask her if she wants one, or her own memorial garden at her house. Or if she would rather pick out a special flower to put in mine. Thanks Koala

Alffe thank you for the poem, its beautiful. You know they have been married since I was 18. (23 years) I tell her all the time, you know I really tried not to like you back then, but you made it so damn hard! She is a wonderful person. She loved my Dad, for that alone, I love her. I am proud to call her mom. She is very accepting of Dad's choice, more so than I am even. She hurts, she is lonely, she is still angry, but is mostly thankful he isn't suffering. See why I love her?

Thank you all so much for your help