[muttontastic]

Hi everyone,

I know it's been a while since I've been here and I apologize for that. However, I really need some insight right now.

About a month ago, I met this fantastic guy. He's handsome, smart, motivated, caring - anything and everything you could ask for. However, about three months ago, his girlfriend shot herself on his bed in his apartment. Obviously this is very difficult for him. I thought I knew how to handle this kind of stuff and I thought I knew the right things to say. He's often resentful when I try to support him and always tells me that what people have to say never helps. I want to be able to say the right thing. Maybe I shouldn't say anything. Is that the trick? I've resorted to just listening and interjecting my thoughts when I know it's the best time.

For those of you who have been through this before - what helps the most? Verbal support or just having someone to listen when you needed to vent?

He seems to be doing better lately. He's moved on to the anger stage. He tells me that he's afraid he's starting to forget her because he feels his sadness. I tried to tell him that's part of the healing process and he's not really forgetting her, but beginning to move on. Am I doing the right thing?

[Gazelle]

When my friend committed suicide it really helped for me to just have people there to listen. They couldn't make the pain go away or the feeling that I should have done more, intervened, seen how deeply disturbed he was. So I just needed to talk when I needed to and be left alone with my thoughts the rest of the time. Then again, everyone's not me.

He's going to have to come to grips with this himself. He's grieving and moving through the process. That's a good thing.

Moving to sadness is ok. That's not forgetting, it's missing her and possibly even forgiving her. It's reliving the memory of her.

I came finally to view funerals as a celebration of life. A closure. Something to give the living so that they knew the person was gone. And it's a great way to wrap up memories, talk about them with people of a like mind, and honor someone's life. Maybe you can get him to talk about the good times they had together.

I don't know. Grief is very personal.

[Alffe]

Originally Posted by muttontastic

Hi everyone,

I know it's been a while since I've been here and I apologize for that. However, I really need some insight right now.

About a month ago, I met this fantastic guy. He's handsome, smart, motivated, caring - anything and everything you could ask for. However, about three months ago, his girlfriend shot herself on his bed in his apartment. Obviously this is very difficult for him. I thought I knew how to handle this kind of stuff and I thought I knew the right things to say. He's often resentful when I try to support him and always tells me that what people have to say never helps. I want to be able to say the right thing. Maybe I shouldn't say anything. Is that the trick? I've resorted to just listening and interjecting my thoughts when I know it's the best time.

For those of you who have been through this before - what helps the most? Verbal support or just having someone to listen when you needed to vent?

He seems to be doing better lately. He's moved on to the anger stage. He tells me that he's afraid he's starting to forget her because he feels his sadness. I tried to tell him that's part of the healing process and he's not really forgetting her, but beginning to move on. Am I doing the right thing?

I'm so sorry for your friends loss. three months is way to early to feel anything but pain. Your instincts are right on Gazelle...you need to listen to him..there is incredible power in saying nothing. A gentle hug, or a simple nod of the head lets him know that you care.

[who moi]

both Gauze and Alpho had said it so well...

Listening....

folks here have listened to my whine so much..I can only hope that I have offered the same back...

listening is the best medicine sometimes

I think you are a sweet person, mutton...for wanting to learn how to help...a lot of folks simply walk away...

[FeelinGoofy]

Hello Mutton.... its good to hear from you
How is your friend doing????
vicky

[muttontastic]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

Goofy, he's not doing very well and apparently everything I do is wrong because he keeps lashing out at me. I don't know what to do. I don't want to turn my back on him, but I don't deserve being treated that way either. It's tough.

[Addy]

Take care of YOU first... as difficult as that might be... you have to sometimes walk away from that which is damaging to you... he has to recognize he has a problem and fix it himself... easier said than done.... and your special friendship will always be there... just back off... for your own sake.