[Nik-key]

I got an email last night about our annual family reunion.
I can't even begin to express the feelings just the title of that email
evoked in me. Out of nowhere I found myself sobbing uncontrollably.
My first thought was ... how can there be a family reunion?
My dad is gone!!

I know I should go. This is my dad's side of the family, they will all be there.
All but the single most important one to me. Dad. I know they want to see me.
But, I also know there is NO way I can do it. It would be just like his services
all over again Everyone trying to explain that he loved me, he would
never want me hurting this way.. etc etc ...... I know all that!!
But it still frigging hurts!

Well hell!! I am right back where I started 6 months ago! I feel just like I did
as a small child when I lost my Grampa. They had a gathering after his
service, and all these adults were eating and laughing. I could take no more..
I stormed my 7 year old butt in there and demanded what was wrong with
all of them!? Didn't they know I just lost my Grampa!!!

That’s how I feel. What is wrong with you all? A family reunion? My family is
destroyed!! Lord but I am a wreck, and my thoughts are turning dark again.
Just when I feel I may be getting a handle on this, I just might be able to
make it. Out of the blue, something so simple can send me in a downward
spiral. All the pain comes back trying to destroy me.

My sister is coming home on the 11th, I love her to pieces! And haven't been
able to see her since my Grams was dying 2 years ago. Now this visit too,
shall be marred by death. But we won't have the comfort that we did with
Grams. She died a "natural" death. We had the peace that comes with
holding a loved one as they leave this world. We had a chance to say goodbye.

I love my Dad, but he damn well didn't give us any of that. She will visit his
grave for the first time, me for the "millionth" And we will both sob as we hold
on to each other......... and in our minds we will be both be screaming ....WHY!!

[Twinkletoes]

Wow, Nikki. So sad for you and all the emotions you are experiencing b/c of the reunion.

So glad you have a sister to hold on to. I've always wished I had a sister. You are so lucky!

I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you coming to grips with the manner in which your Dad departed. Obvious that the healing is still early in the process. You still have raw, tender areas and the thought of a reunion causes so much pain.

Maybe your sister will help you decide you can at least show up, even if you choose not to stay for the whole time. Your relatives don't miss him like you do, but talking is sometimes good therapy and they are probably trying to comfort you and themselves.

So sorry, Nikki. Sending prayers and warm wishes for comfort and healing.

[Addy]

Ahhhh ((((Nik-key))))) wow.... I'm so so sorry for how you're feeling... I'm sure you just want to crawl up in a ball and cry and cry and cry....

I can hear anger in your words...
I can hear strength in your words...
I can hear unfathomable loss....

I can see your pain and at the same time, I can see you are a very wise woman who is sorting through this the best way you know how.

I can't offer any words to make this better.
I can only comfort you with my hug.

Addy

[Burntmarshmallow]

((((((((Nikki)))))))) I like what Twink replyed. When i first read your post Nikki
The first thing that came to mind is exactly what you yourself said ..how can it be a family reunion when the most specail close person to you (your dad) isnt there . I also thought maybe not go as the stress and worry and deep sadness will blanket over everything. but then I know thats just not nikki... dispite those things she will probly go like the angel friend warrior she is. I am feeling the sadness threw this post. your pain and wonder whys are so fresh it seems like rubbing salt in a wound.I wish we could carry that pain away
Like Twink said it will be a blessing to have your sister there for support and maybe just going for a little while not for the whole thing is a good compromise . I know they probly just need to see you because in you they also see your dad and that gives some type of comfort to all of them. they want to see you happy and smiling but they must realize that is a good time away from happening. your family sounds like a close loving understanding family and I am sure if you just went for a little while they would understand. ..how much you have been threw, how much you ARE going threw and that healing from such a thing ..takes time .
My angel friend I have to say I am worried about you and everyhting dumping on you... with lynn ,your dad and this family reunion not to mention you mini strokes and also the tests you just had done.... your o.n. t.n. a.d. and other stuffs you got going on
it is probly very selfish of me to say if you dont feel like going ,if your body tells you "dont go" ...then dont go!! but I know you will you will probly go in your dads honor. so I ask please listen to your body and pay attention to what it asks of you if you feel like only staying a short while then be brave and get up and go after a little while. people will understand.
and too it may seem like your visit is shadowed with the why of this but the why of this is also shadowed with a good close friend!!!!!!!!!!

I have not been good with words lately and I dont want anything I have said to hurt you or anyone please know this above anything else. . . I care, WE alll care and we are here for you all the time for anything. sometimes words are better off not spoken and this may be the case perhaps just some heart felt prayers and hugs is all I need to offer you my angel friend warrior

[SeamsLikeStitches]

Hi Nikkey,

I've walked the road you are walking, except it was my mom, not my dad. We were best friends. She was 17 when she had me. It's been 5 years for me now. It still hurts. I still cry when I talk to her husband sometimes. I'm 49 years old and I still miss my "Mommy"! Mostly, I miss my best friend!

Seeing her family is hard. They all want to heap all this sympathy on me because they know how hard it is for me. I was so incredibly depressed for so long, it made me physically Ill. I wanted to tell them to "Shut Up", to "Leave me alone!" to just go on with their lives and stop dumping their crap on me! I didn't want to carry "their" pain along with mine too!

See, they thought they were helping me by telling me how sorry they were for me, by hugging me and bringing all the pain back up to the surface again. I felt like they wanted me to tell them it was going to be O.K., I felt like they wanted me to "pretend" like everything was fine. I didn't feel like it was fine, I didn't want to put on a happy face and be the "nice" girl they all expected me to be. I just wanted to be sad and I wanted to be angry that my mom wasn't there with me!

You know, when I started typing this to you, my intention was to be sure it was about YOU, not about my pain.... but letting you know about the pain I went through is the only way I can share with you some of the things you may go through when you go to the reunion.

I have people I see now that I enjoy seeing because they remind me of happy times with my mom. They bring back all the good memories of her. I seek them out. I enjoy being around them. You may want to do that when you are at the reunion. Think about the people that you and your dad had fun with. Think about the people you two did fun things with.

This is probably a good opportunity for you to get some great stories from family members about your dad that you can carry with you. Things that you will enjoy learning.

I don't know if you are ready. Six months is still pretty "soon". I don't know how old you are, but I know that if you make up your mind to tell people you only want to hear positive things about your dad, then you can find a way to enjoy yourself.

Good Luck, and . If you want to send me a Private message, please feel free. You may not be able to make the decision until the morning of the reunion... just let yourself breathe! One day at a time.

[Nik-key]

Thank you all for your posts and support. They help my soul
but I am still in a bad place I had hoped to never visit again.

See here is the thing about suicide. When someone dies of
cancer -for example - like my uncle. I grieved, we all grieved. But,
we did all go to the family reunion that year. We talked about
good times and about how he had fought a good fight, how we
were grateful he was at last in peace. It was healing.

When someone takes their own life, this just can't be done.
There can be no healing at this reunion. What am I to say?
What are they to say? Dad shot himself - it was a brutal violent end.
Something that I fear will haunt me my whole life.

I will try to come back later, when I am in a better place and
reread your posts. I thank you all for reaching out to me...
I needed it more than I thought. For that I thank you

[Alffe]

dear, dear Nikki. You will visit that bad place again and again. It hasn't been that long since he died.

Your post sent me reaching for the grief journal my sister gave me when Michael killed himself. I was unable to write in it for a very long time...just kept sticking things in it...like letters he'd written to me. And rereading it just now...it's still painful after all these years..to read that I'd roamed around the Cemetary with a loaded gun, longing to join him.

I was "told" how to grieve...told that I needed to talk..told that there was no question of getting beyond it until I "went through it"....blah blah blah.
Sometimes the numbness one feels is harder to bear than the grief.

We do the best we can on a given day....somehow, we survive it.

This is what Anne Lindbergh wrote on the death of her son...

"Contrary to general assuption, the first days of grief are not the worst.

The immediate reaction is shock and numbing disbelief. One has undergone an amputation. after shock comes acute early grief which is a kind of "condensed presence", almost a forum of possession. One still feels the intensity of grief fused the distance between you and the dead.
Or perhaps, in reality, part of one dies."

Of course her baby didn't commit suicide but she certainly described acurately how it feels to lose a loved one so senslessly.

And Edna St. Vincent Millay's "Lament" says it so well....

Life must go on,
And the dead be forgotten;

Life must go on,
Though good men die;

Anne, eat your breadfast;
Dan, take your medicine;

Life must go on;

I just forget why.

Warm hugs....be good to yourself.

[snoozie]

Hi Nikkey, don't have the right words to say to you but I did want to send you a hug. Thinking of you right now...Sue

[Spanish Moss]

Dear Nikki,

It has been 9 years since my brother's suicide (we were very close) and 6 since my first husband's. The grief and loss and anger and the why's are still revisited...not every day...not always as intensely painful...but visited, nontheless.

Numerous family reunions have taken place since then....our family dynamics were helpful to me. It provided chances to talk about our loved one...sort of affirmed their lives....that even though they died terribly, we are still family. We sometimes cry together...talk about memories....acknowledge our pain and anger...even laugh about the sweet funny times. We've started to learn how to be a family redefined by this tragedy...something we could never have imagined happening to us.

This was us....only you can decide for you....although you may not know unless you try. I realize that families are all different and some may be very destructive. If that is what your experience has been, then you need to protect yourself and your fragileness.

Whatever you decide...know that you have a "family" here and we are here for you no matter what.

Sending you comforting hugs....

[Doody]

(((Nikki))) I have no solutions for you. I trust that you will do what is best for you, not them.

Try not to dwell on it but give those thoughts their own time and place so you can stay sane and healthy.

We love you tons and tons Nik.