[Alffe]

Guidelines for Holidays And Special Days

1. Tell your family and friends what you need and what isn't helpful. You may want to be with people, but you also may want to be alone.

2. Change your traditions. Think of taking a trip to be away.

3. Simplify. Stop writing Christmas cards, for exmple.

4. Do something for someone else in the name of the person who died. Take presents to a children's hospital or volunteer for a soup kitchen.

5. Do something special for yourself. Stay in bed all day and read a good book: go to a movie.

6. Give yourself permission to grieve. Take time out when the wave of grief comes over you.

7. Know it's ok to laugh again.

8. Know that you're not alone.

9. Let your holidays and special days be filled with grace.


Iris M. Bolton, The Link Counseling Center, Atlanta, Georgia.

[Alffe]

Try to remember that each anniversary, each birthday, each holiday meal gets a bit easier with the passage of time. What you did the first or second year may not work anymore, and you may want to do something different. Always keep in mind that you are remembering and honoring your loved one's life - don't let how they died eclipse the beauty, the richness, and the brave struggles of how they lived.

Touched by Suicide by Michael Myers, and Carla Fine.

[Alffe]

The first several years after Michael died by suicide, we always managed to go away in January...never could escape the memory but tried hard to distract ourselves and it helped.

It isn't necessary any longer however I do spend that anniversary date scolding him out loud a lot. *grin

Hugs for the room.

[Nik-key]

Ghosts of Christmas Past
by Joanetta Hendel

In anticipation of my first Christmas morning, Mamma posed me, freshly scrubbed and curled, before the Christmas tree for my annual holiday photograph. This was the beginning of a lifetime of Christmas celebrations--each one steeped in rituals and traditions built upon those which had gone before. As a child, I delighted in the magical world created in the minds of the very young. We woke to sparkle and glitter, presents stacked high, and bulging stockings. As I grew, the magic of childhood gave way to a different reality and a different joy, but the rituals remained largely unchanged.

Marriage brought family and babies of my own. The photo albums grew and expanded as I made a career of the holidays and the memories they held. Year after year, I lined up the little ones in front of the tree--just as my mother had done before me. Each holiday celebration was an extension of former joys, other times, different places. Importance was placed on building bridges from the past into the present.

Constancy equals comfort and security. Psychologists agree that tradition is important to the development of society and to family structure. Family traditions are healthy and normal. There's only one thing wrong with tradition--it's filled with shoulds. "We should have the tree up before the 15th. We should entertain. We should shop...decorate...send cards. We should be happy..." Tradition creates purpose and connection. Tradition provides roots. But tradition magnifies the pain of our loss.

At our house, we trim the tree the first weekend in December. It's tradition. But the year Alexander died, I didn't feel like trimming the tree at all. When we did do it, as many changes as possible were made in the ritual to help me tolerate the empty space left in his absence. The children receive a new Christmas ornament each year to add to their collections. Someday these ornaments will adorn their own Christmas trees in their own homes. But what about Alex's set? Those three ornaments will never bloom into twenty and will never follow him into adulthood. That first year after Alex's death I bought him one anyway--an angel in flight. Four stockings hang from the mantel. Do I hang Alexander's stocking, or do I put it away forever? The first year, I hung his apart from the others. But every year since, his stocking has hung with the other four. I have five children with five Christmas stockings--and I always will.

The key to surviving Christmas as a bereaved individual is flexibility and foresight. It's important to plan ahead, and it's important to anticipate the changes you will need to make. Habit is easy, and it does take a little more effort to implement creative change in holiday planning. But change and adjustment are essential for the newly bereaved.

Families can spend so many years following the same patterns and routines that they forget these choices were made because they were right for their moment. But choices made under different circumstances may not be the right choices for the newly bereaved. The early moments of grief demand new rules. Even customs "set in stone" can be bent. Festivities that expend more energy than we have to give can be skipped. Entertaining and socializing can be altered or curtailed altogether. Decisions can be delayed and new plans designed and implemented at the last minute. The bereaved can learn to be creative and flexible in customizing their holiday plans.

Traditions bind families and societies tightly to one another. But altering our traditions to suit our current needs makes sense. Each moment, each stage of life, demands its own customs and its own rituals. By building our bridges moment to moment, we link the past and present to the future.

Griefnet.org

[Nik-key]

1.DECIDE WHAT YOU CAN HANDLE COMFORTABLY AND LET FAMILY AND FRIENDS KNOW. Can I handlle the responsibility of the family dinner, etc. or shall I ask someone else to do it? Do I want to talk about my loved one or not? Shall I stay here for the holidays or go to a completely different environment?

2.MAKE SOME CHANGES IF THEY FEEL COMFORTABLE FOR YOU. Open presents Christmas Eve instead of Christmas morning. Vary the timing of Channukah gift giving. Have dinner at a different time or place. Let the children take over decorating the house, the tree, baking and food preparation, etc.

3.RE-EXAMINE YOUR PRIORITIES: GREETING CARDS, HOLIDAY BAKING, DECORATING, PUTTING UP A TREE, FAMILY DINNER, ETC. Do I really enjoy doing this? Is this a task that can be shared?

4.CONSIDER DOING SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR SOMEONE ELSE. Donate a gift in the memory of your loved one. Donate money you would have spent on your loved one as a gift to charity. Adopt a needy family for the holidays. Invite a guest (foreign student, senior citizen) to share festivities.

5.RECOGNIZE YOUR LOVED ONE'S PRESENCE IN THE FAMILY. Burn a special candle to quietly include your loved one. Hang a stocking for your loved one in which people can put notes with their thoughts or feelings. Listen to music especially liked by the deceased. Look at photographs.

6.IF YOU DECIDE TO DO HOLIDAY SHOPPING, MAKE A LIST AHEAD OF TIME AND KEEP IT HANDY FOR A GOOD DAY, OR SHOP THROUGH A CATALOGUE.

7.OBSERVE THE HOLIDAYS IN WAYS WHICH ARE COMFORTABLE FOR YOU. There is no right or wrong way of handling holidays. Once you've decided how to observe the time, let others know.

8.TRY TO GET ENOUGH REST -- HOLIDAYS CAN BE EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY DRAINING.

9.ALLOW YOURSELF TO EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS. Holidays often magnify feelings of loss. It is natural to feel sadness. Share concerns, apprehensions, feelings with a friend. The need for support is often greater during holidays.

10.KEEP IN MIND THAT THE EXPERIENCE OF MANY BEREAVED PERSONS IS THAT THEY DO COME TO ENJOY HOLIDAYS AGAIN. THERE WILL BE OTHER HOLIDAY SEASONS TO CELEBRATE.

11.DON'T BE AFRAID TO HAVE FUN. Laughter and joy are not disrespectful. Give yourself and your family members permission to celebrate and take pleasure in the holidays.

[Nik-key]

In our lives there are many holidays or special days, such as birthdays, anniversaries graduations, weddings, and Easter, to name a few. These are all difficult days for the bereaved, but for many, the most difficult holiday of the year is Christmas. This day more than any other means family together. They are synonymous and it is at this time we are so acutely aware of the void in our lives. For many the wish is to go from Dec. 24 to Dec. 26. We continually hear Christmas Carols, people wishing everyone, "Merry Christmas"; see the perfect gift for our dead child, spouse, or relative and suddenly realize they will not be here. Listed below are some ideas and suggestions that others have found helpful in coping with the Holiday Season. Choose the ones that will help you.
Family get-togethers may be extremely difficult. Be honest with each other about your feelings. Sit down with your family and decide what you want to do for the holiday season. Don't set expectations too high for yourself or the day. If you wish things to be the same, you are going to be disappointed. Do things a little differently. Undertake only what each family member can handle comfortably.

There is no right or wrong way to handle the day. Some may wish to follow family traditions, while others may choose to change.

Keep in mind the feelings of your children or family members. Try to make the holiday season as joyous as possible for them.

Be careful of "shoulds." It is better to do what is most helpful for you and your family. If a situation looks especially difficult over the holidays, don't get involved if possible.

Set limitations. Realize that it isn't going to be easy. Do the things that are very special and/or important to you. Do the best that you can.

Once you have made the decision on the role you and your family will play during the holidays, let relatives and friends know.

Baking and cleaning the house can get out of proportion. If these chores are enjoyable, go ahead, but not to the point that it is tiring. Either buy baked goods or go without this year.

If you used to cut your own tree, consider buying it already cut this year. Let your children, other family members, neighboring teens, friends, or people from your church help with the decorating of the tree and house. If you choose not to have a tree this year, get a ceramic tree or a small table top tree.

Emotionally, physically, and psychologically it is draining. You need every bit of strength. Try to get enough rest.

What you choose to do the first year you don't have to do the next.

One possibility for the first year may be to visit relatives, friends, or even go away on a vacation. Planning, packing, etc., keeps your mind somewhat off the holiday and you share the time in a different and hopefully less painful setting.

How do we answer, "Happy Holidays?" You may say, "I'll try" or "Best wishes to you." You thing of many answers that you don't say.

If shopping seems to be too much, have your relative or close friend help you. Consider shopping through a catalogue.

If you are accustomed to having Christmas dinner at your home, change and go to relatives, or change the time (instead of 2 p.m., make it 4 p.m.). Some find it helpful to be involved in the activity of preparing a large meal. Serving buffet style and/or eating in a different room may help.

Try attending religious services at a different time or church or synagogue.

Some people fear crying in public, especially at religious services. It is usually better not to push the tears down any time. You should be gentle with yourself and not expect too much of yourself. Worrying about crying is an additional burden. If you let go and cry, you probably will feel better. It should not ruin the day for other family members, but will provide them with the same freedom.

Cut back on your card sending. It is not necessary to send cards, especially to those people we will see over the holidays.

Do something for someone else, such as volunteer work at soup kitchens or visit the lonely and shut-ins. Ask someone who is alone to share the day with your family. Provide help for a needy family.

Donate a gift or money in your loved one's name.

Share your concerns, feelings, apprehensions, etc. with a relative or friend as the holiday approaches. Tell them that this is a difficult time for you. Accept their help. You will appreciate their love and support at this time.

Holidays often magnify feelings of loss of a loved one. It is important and natural to experience the sadness that comes. To block such feelings is unhealthy. Keep the positive memory of the loved one alive.

Often after the first year the people in your life may expect you to be over it. We are never over it but the experience of many bereaved is that eventually they enjoy the holidays again. Hold on to HOPE.

Don't forget, anticipation of any holiday is so much worse than the actual holiday.

—from Hope for the Bereaved (now out of print)


©Copyright GriefNet.org, All Rights Reserved

[Nik-key]

Don't forget, anticipation of any holiday is so much worse than the actual holiday.

I scoffed at this the first time I read it.............. Now I have to say, though Thanksgiving day was indeed hard..... my anticipation of the day was worse than the Holiday itself.

I can only hope and pray the same will hold true for Christmas.........*sigh

"There is no greater grief than to remember days of joy when misery is at hand." Dante