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Old 03-06-2009, 11:00 PM #1
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Trig Trying to survive Dad's suicide....

I am always open and honest with my doctors. How can they help you if you aren’t? When I made a plan after Dad took his life, I called him and told him. When I had to place Lynn and knew I was losing the battle, I called him. It isn't easy reaching out. But it is better than the alternative!

"People can not help you if you are not willing to help yourself." Dad taught me that. Drilled it into my head from early childhood. And, "Always take responsibility for your own actions, never quit, never be afraid to ask for help."

Yet, he didn't. He let his pain consume him to the point he thought taking his own life was the only option. He didn't reach out, he didn't seek help. Part of me is very ****** at him for this.

If he cut himself badly, he would go get stitches... if his tooth was killing him, he would go to the dentist.........yet he was losing the fight for his very life, and he did nothing. He didn't call his doctor, he didn't tell his family, and the most hurtful and core cutting.. he didn't tell me.

We were so damn close. When I was diagnosed with my nerve diseases, it hurt so badly I just wanted to die. I knew I could not survive with this pain for the rest of my life. I didn't want to.

Dad and I had long talks. Many tears were shed, our souls connected at a deeper level. I still remember to this very day what he told me then... part of it was...."You can't give up Nikki!! NEVER NEVER GIVE UP!! I need you, don't give up! Stay for me, Stay and fight! I will help you, I will always be here for you to lean on"

I believed him. He was my Daddy, why wouldn't I? Yet, when he had these same thoughts, when he hurt so badly he just wanted to die, he didn't tell me. He didn't stay and fight. I stayed and fought just as he asked me. Yet, he didn't stay for me. He isn't here for me to lean on. He isn't here at all.
He destroyed my world.

He destroyed my family. March 13, is my oldest brothers birthday. Dad killed himself the next day. Instead of planning a family birthday party for my brother- as we always have every other year of our lives... this year ALL we can think about is March 14th, the day Dad killed himself. My brother will never have another happy birthday. NEVER! Nice gift to give your son Dad My family will never be whole again. Dad's suicide has effected every single aspect of our lives.

Do I think suicide is selfish? Yes I do. I am sorry if that offends some of you. But this is a safe place to express our feelings. Right? Now, knowing the hell left behind for the loved ones to try to survive, suicide will never be ok in my eyes. I know what suicide does to those you leave behind. How can that ever be ok??!! Now, I personally feel... suicide is not only the ultimate F you ((Alffe)) But I also feel it is the ultimate selfish act.

Am I saying I don't understand the thoughts? Hell no! I get it! I have been there more times than I care to admit. I was in so much pain I wanted to die. You know what? I am STILL in that pain to this day. I will be for the rest of my life. But, I am still here fighting. I understand pain, I understand depression.

I guess what I am trying to say is, as with any other affliction or illness, one must seek help to overcome what haunts them, depresses them or makes the thought of suicide so appealing. You can't wish these problems away. Just as cancer needs chemo, depression (etc), needs medical attention as well. I am depressed as hell. All I can feel is grief multiplied by more grief.

I'm not going to just sit here and wish to die. I am not going to just sit here and do nothing! I called my doctor. This is the same doctor who treated me for my breakdown after Dad's suicide last March. I told him I was not suicidal, I just didn’t want to be here anymore.

When he saw me he said " Look Nik, I am really worried about you. You are talking in monotones, you are shaking uncontrollably, you lost 12 pounds in one week, how about we take you to the hospital for some testing?"

I agreed. Among other things, I found out I have dangerously low serotonin levels. My doctor has put me on SSRI’s (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors) In the information he gave me and the research I have been doing, it makes me wonder what Dad's levels were.

I can't help but think, had he only reached out, had only sought help... we would now be planning my brothers birthday party, instead of trying to figure out how to survive the one year anniversary marking his suicide.

I sit here just as stunned as I was last year. My Dad killed himself
WHY??!! WHAT IF??!!
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Old 03-07-2009, 12:38 AM #2
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Heart dear nik -key

dear nikkey,
when people pass away,
when it is an accident they are very depressed - yet usually no blame is in the thought of one who dies in an accident?
my boyfriend since age 10 drowned at age 19,
I was heartbroken, he was swimming under the influence
of alcohol, I never felt I must forgive him, because he died that way,
and I have known at least 3 people I knew that took their lives violently
and it is something in your Dad's mind in an instint of desperation,
perhaps
he was sorry - but you cant stop the chain of events -once set in motion
- please forgive him everyday until the answer comes to your heart,
forgive them for they know not what they do?
peace to you dear one...
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Old 03-07-2009, 12:58 AM #3
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Heart Dear Nik-key

This is Steve. I'm so sorry that you are grieving. I know the pain of grief. Both you,and BJ are going through a similar thing. I'm so sorry. I know that It's real. I know that you are very sensitive,and it's going to take some time for the grief process to subside. I'm a very sensitive person too. You will get better. It will take time,but you will get better. I'm very sorry that your Dad felt that bad. We cannot fathom the depth of his desperation. It may remain a mystery,but you must go on.

I love you. A person so lovingly missing her dad. You are very tenderhearted,and valuable here,and now. Let not your heart be so troubled. I hope that you feel some peace tonight,God given peace. Please hold on,and this grief should subside,and you should feel a bit better as the days,months,and years go by. BF
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Old 03-07-2009, 01:55 AM #4
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((tena)) ((steve)) you are both so sweet and I thank you for reaching out to me. I know you all just want to help, and I am grateful. I wish I could find the peace and comfort you speak of. I have searched, am still searching, but it is nowhere to be found.

They say God is closest to the broken hearted. Dad use to say, the trouble is, the broken hearted were in too much pain to see Him. That is where I am right now.

It is hard to forgive Dad. I loved him so much, it pains me deeply to be this angry with him. It pains me that I can't forgive him. Yet, how can I, when I see the wreckage, the hell he has left behind?

My family is falling apart.

Not one day has gone by that one or all of us is not sobbing.

Everyone who saw him, is traumatized for life.

Even those who didn't, might as well have, for the nightmares that keep them up.

I can't see snow, without seeing HIM in that snow.

I can't see snow without violently throwing up.

Every single one of his children is now severely depressed.

Two of his children who never had suicidal thoughts, now do..

All because of the pain their father inflicted upon them.

And that is just SOME of the hell he left his children in, plus there are many other lives he destroyed, his wife, his siblings, his grandchildren......

How can one justify ending one persons pain, when it leaves so many others in a living hell?

I am raw, maybe too raw to be posting.
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Old 03-07-2009, 02:15 AM #5
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nik,

I wish I know what to say...

Tena and Steve said it well...

keep venting it out...

(((BIG HUGS)))

PS, Raw is good....Raw is honest...Raw is true....keep it as raw as you like. There's always the options to delete or ask the mods to remove it later...
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Old 03-07-2009, 02:24 AM #6
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Thank you ((Moi))

I just sometimes worry it is too raw for others to read. I sometimes worry I will offend attempters, or be a trigger to someone. Yet, I don't know where else to express some of the hell I am feeling. *sigh
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Old 03-07-2009, 02:30 AM #7
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nik,

I know where you're coming from but I have to ask myself this question.

IF it is NOT so raw, would any of us be here??

If there are those that do not find the subject of suicide RAW and powerful and emotional, perhaps they just DON'T understand it?

my personal feeling is that if you can't talk about it here at the SURVIVOR of suicide forum when you are a survivor, WHERE would you talk about it?

Let it out...there are great options to utilize here and there is always that delete (or asking the mods to delete it later)

But I think by you talking about it bravely, you'll help many....

I'll be around for a little longer....keep talking...
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Old 03-07-2009, 02:36 AM #8
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Well hell, now you got me to crying again. It is good, to not feel all alone. Thank you

I have much I need to express... but just can't right now. But I will be back, I need to be here.

Thank you ((Moi)) for helping me through this night.
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Old 03-07-2009, 02:45 AM #9
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no sweat, nik...

as I've read, your seratonin level is low....and you need sleep, my friend...

when we're in this state, it's easy to let our minds wander and get us into all sorts of trouble....

especially to those us that get triggered easily....

I'll be around a little bit longer....

but I know you'll be OK cause you'll be back to let it out if need be...

and I am sure the night crew like K77 and Jo*mar will watch over you...

((((BIG HUGS))))

get some sleep if you can...

moss always asks about you...we love you, dearie....
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Old 03-07-2009, 02:52 AM #10
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nik,

you may not find this helpful, but Kahlil Gibran's poetries always are so soothing...and while I know that you're angry at your dad...

this poem is FOR him...from me....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On Death
Kahlil Gibran

You would know the secret of death.
But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?
The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light.
If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life.
For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.


In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;
And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.
Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.
Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honour.
Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king?
Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?


For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?


Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.
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