[hippiechick]

I know I haven't been around for awhile; nothing to say....yet everything to say. Just nowhere to start, I guess. I'm tired of this...of everything. I'm tired of being so out of sync with everyone...very rarely go out or talk to friends... sometimes talk to hubby but don't see him that often due to work hours. Tired of not getting to see grandkids and all that that major battle entails...just too tired to fight anything or anyone now. This seems like the safest place to go since you ALL know that I have absolutely nothing together and to the rest of the world I have to pretend to be okay....I'm so not. I did, however, manage to sleep through Thanksgiving to after the first couple of years of January...grandson's 10th birthday. I thought I could just pretend that they were all gone...like out of state or something, but even then you can still talk to them. I mean, okay, this isn't the first time they've been "taken away" - several times since their birth, but I know from the tone of the son's voice that this time is forever - or at least forever in my life. I don't know about hubby's. Been making funeral plans....yuck! Kind of makes you feel that the day is coming faster and faster. Somehow I wish I didn't know when that day is coming.....but I keep hearing doc's words..."This is the time span...." I'm wondering, in this time of Lent, is what I have to give up life itself? Yes, I'm good at giving up food, etc. but, life???? I don't know and,yet, I have those dark feeling that "let's just hurry up and get this done...on my own terms..." I read about how suicide affects everyone left behind and, no, I doubt that I'd do that. My own grandfather did that just as I was being born and I, somehow, always felt that it was my fault. Nothing actually said, just inferred. Okay, that's enough ranting and raving for now. I'm just tired, I guess. And tired of being tired. Patience was never my thing!

[Nik-key]

"Tired of being tired" I hear ya chicky Come post, share what's inside and we can be tired together You know how I feel, so I will spare you my lecture..this time

Again, I believe all these feeling are "normal". I have always been open about how I wanted to end my pain, by ending my life when I was diagnosed back in 99. Because of that openess, people share their feelings with me. I can honestly say of all the people I have talked with, hundreds!!! not one single person hasn't had these thoughts at one point in their life.

You, face so much dear friend Chronic pain, emotional pain, and a terminal illness... I will say to you, what my doctor said to me... "if you didn't have these thoughts, THEN I would worry about you!"

Thoughts are not always bad, its an escape from the pain we feel. The key dear friend, is to never act on those thoughts. To seek help when we need it, to take medications that can help us.

You are a fighter, a survivor.!!!! You have proven that time and time again Just remember, you don't have to fight alone! We are all here for you. I am here for you, and I love you

[Alffe]

I'm glad to see you posting hippiechick and I'm sorry you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. You have good reason to be in that black hole of depression and I have no words of wisdom because I can't change your life....would that I could! But Nikki is right...you aren't alone, we care and you are the very definition of a survivor.

In some ways you remind me of Xie (Cris) who isn't posting much herself but I hope she is reading....I believe you share the heartbreak of the grandchildren.

I find it so hard to understand that family members can be so cruel to each other.

Did you notice the sub forum "upstairs"...*grin Be sure and vote on the poll. And keep talking to us...we're here for you.

[Lara]

(((hippiechick)))
You have an awful lot of things happening there. It sounds overwhelming. Keep strong and look for support both here online and also at home there where you live... personal support and also professional support if that is possible.

[BlueMajo]

Be patient... Be strong... we are here with you.

[hippiechick]

Hey, I'm okay....didn't mean to worry anyone. I think it's just one of those days; they pass.....I know that it will. Believe me, I'm FAR too stubborn (hubby says "bullheaded"; imagine such a thing!) but, I guess if anyone would know about that it would be him!!!

I talked to my adoptive mom today and that was good; those parents are two of the very best things that ever happened to me. They adopted me soon after my mother died when I was a young teen. They have 6 kids, plus everyone's married now with kids.....huge family. I miss them a lot but I know they're there and doing the things that they need to be doing at this time. We've always said that we were going to write "our story" about how they came from the east coast to the midwest, meet and adopt me, marry me off - only to go back east. Now that would be a story. Kind of like the underneath of the tapestry that you can't see at the time.....but it turns out beautiful. I'm blessed; I honestly DO know that....I think I just forget sometimes.

Sorry, Nik, for my earlier post. I hope you start feeling better...being sick plus having Lynn on your mind is far too much. And I know that next week is coming too soon for you. Thanks to you - and to everyone else - who responded. Guess I just needed a "pick me up"....and you've done it. Guess there's something to being a bit stubborn.

Actually I think that I could possibly have one more book in me. I counted my blank books (such an obsession!)....123! Now, I know that I won't be able to fill them all and I don't write as often as I used to....but I think I still have something to say. I'm keeping one for the grandkids since communication is not allowed....and I haven't said anything negative about their parents. So hard to do...my tongue is nearly in half!!!! But, I'm trying to be positive for them because I know that there isn't a lot of that with them right now.....(new mantra....."I can do it.....I can do it....") Wonder if there's anything to that??? I'll try it and let you know.

[Alffe]

Please do just that dear lady and let me give you a hug!

[Lara]

hippiechick, your mantra reminded me of 'The little engine that could'.

As it neared the top of the grade, which had so discouraged the larger engines, it went more slowly. However, it still kept saying, "I--think--I--can, I--think--I--can." It reached the top by drawing on bravery and then went on down the grade, congratulating itself by saying, "I thought I could, I thought I could."

I'm old. lol

You take care.

[Spanish Moss]

I, for one, would LOVE to hear your story.

Write....for you...for us....for the future when your grandchildren can read it.

[who moi]

don't be "sorry" hipchick...

everyone seems to be apologizing lately(moi included) LOL

this place is for us to vent (I almost typed rent)

da wife (Spanish Moss) said what was in my heart...

and I am so glad you are here talking to us and know that there are many that care as you have seen from the responses...

((((BIG HUGS))))

don't have wise things to say about your situation except that you are in our hearts and thoughts...