[Alffe]

...after suicide there is no going back

no gently returning to that good peace of mind

wherein God's in our universe and all's well with the world

because we are whole no more, rather shattered and

struggling to withstand the shards of horror that shine

reflected in the eyes of our acquaintances as they check our

crown for thorns and our expressions for evidence of collusion.

Was it a phone call we failed to return, a favor, a smile?

...after suicide there is no going back

no gently returning to that good hope we love in one another

when earth tugs only at our feet, not at our lungs, and leaves our

hearts at liberty to risk, to dare, to trust, and to tame.

In retrospect, there is no going back, no explanation, no

reason good enough to justify our lack of interest in one

whose loneliness could only be assuaged by death.

....after suicide there is no going back, only memories.

_Lucy

Finding Your Way after the Suicide of Someone You Love

Authors David Biebel, DMin & Suzanne L. Foster, MA

[Nik-key]

((Alffe)) I needed to read this, and I needed to do more than hit the Thank You button......

There is no going back

[Alffe]

"Sometimes it's hard to recognize that anger is part of our grief. Maybe we're angry at the doctors and nurses for not making our loved one well. Or for not alleviating the suffering. Or for not doing a better job of keeping us informed.

Maybe we're angry at the loved one - for not trying hard enough to get well, or for not taking better care of himself or herself. Or just for leaving us. Maybe we're angry with ourselves. Or angry at God.

Even when we don't hold a particlar person - or God - responsible for the death of our loved one, we're angry. Our life has been disrupted. We have been deprived of something - even if it's only peace - that we wanted.

As with other aspects of grief, we need to recognize anger and express it. We may need to be careful with relatives and friends. But we don't need to worry about God - we can let it fly."

Healing After Loss by Martha Whitmore Hickman

[Lara]

I kept this piece in my files after reading it elsewhere online. Your post reminded me.

For survivors, suicide doesn’t just shatter the present and short-circuit the future. It blows up the shared past. These memoirs try, with agonizing honesty, to reclaim that lost ground.

[Nik-key]

((Alffe)) Thank you You have this way about you, that you post just what I need to read when I need to read it most

I am angry. I am royally ****** off to be honest

But we don't need to worry about God - we can let it fly.

Good thing! Cause man have I been letting it fly

((Lara))............... you know how you can just be going along in your life, then someone says something or shares something.. and it just reaches out and touches your very core? That just happened to me, when I read your quote. Thank you

For survivors, suicide doesn’t just shatter the present and short-circuit the future. It blows up the shared past. These memoirs try, with agonizing honesty, to reclaim that lost ground.

This is exactly what is happening, and has been happening to me all year. When Dad killed himself, everything, just everything! Including our love for eachother, now seemed like a blatant- cruel- lie to me.

"agonizing honesty" what a wonderful way to put it. It has the power to destroy trying to wade through all these powerful emotions.

I'm swimming, I just keep swimming......

Much love my friends

[Nik-key]

I keep coming back to this post. I also keep thinking about what curious said.. forgive the person, not the act. Seperating the act from Dad is proving to be difficult. But I will keep trying. I want nothing more than to grieve the man he was, without all the emotional hell of his suicide clouding and complicating my grief.

For survivors, suicide doesn’t just shatter the present and short-circuit the future. It blows up the shared past. These memoirs try, with agonizing honesty, to reclaim that lost ground.

I hate it when people say time heals all wounds, you need more time. What I needed was more time with Dad!! *sigh. It isn't the time that heals... it is the time we spend trying to heal that makes the pain more bearable.

[Curious]

The wound may heal, but the scar is there. Always there as a reminder.

Keep trying Nikki. Keep bringing up the good memories. Keep those running like a never ending movie. They will help keep the bad ones from taking over.

[Nik-key]

((curious)) Thank you

Keep bringing up the good memories. Keep those running like a never ending movie. They will help keep the bad ones from taking over.

This is where I am stuck... I can't bring up the good memories, they just can't surface without me falling apart. Who ever heard of repressing GOOD things!! But it is what I am doing.

It is just too painful to reflect on all that is lost. When I think on our lives together, that is when the pain comsumes me to the point I just need to be with him. But yes! I will keep trying

[Curious]

Nikki, you need allow yourself to feel good. It is ok. You can smile and be happy.

You are not dishonoring your dad's memory by not grieving 24/7. It all takes time.

[Nik-key]

Originally Posted by Curious

Nikki, you need allow yourself to feel good. It is ok. You can smile and be happy.

You are not dishonoring your dad's memory by not grieving 24/7. It all takes time.

Maybe I said that wrong? I do have happy times in my life... the kids, friends, family.. I surround myself in their love. We do laugh, have good times.

What I am trying to say is I can't let in the happy memories of Dad, of our lives together. It just hurts too much. It is when I think of all we had, that all I lost is too overwhelming. It is when the darker thoughts come. So I push back the happy times, so I don't have to feel so consumed in the loss. Does that make sense to anyone but me?