[Jen29]

Hi my name is Jen, and have been struggling with suicidal thoughts and ideation for years. But lately it's been worse. I know what people say about suicide, and I know the stigma that goes along with it. I just want people to know that I don't know what happens afterwards, but I don't know how much longer I can take it. I am hopeless and helpless, and don't want to end up back in the hospital for over the 30th time.
My 30th Birthday is coming soon, and I can't wait till I get out of my 20s. My 20s and teens have been hell for me, i just hope my 30s will be better. But if my year keeps going like it has been I don't see any point to it.
i want to quit my meds and quit seeing my counselor...don't get me wrong my counselor has been the best thing for me, I just don't want to waste anymore of her time. I feel there are so many more people out there much more important than me, and have a better chance than I do. I don't know, maybe am overreacting, but this is how I feel. I feel like my life is going down hill fast.
I live with my dad and step-mom due to financial difficulties and because of my mental health. I am not sure but I think they want me to leave. i would love to live on my own again, but can't afford it. I have been forced to take a 14 week leave of absence from work due to high anxiety. I couldn't even make it through a 4 hour work day becuase I would panic.
i am at a loss for what to do. I don't know if I should just give in and give up, which would be the easiest thing for me to do, but then I have a huge family. I don't want to hurt anyone but myself. i wish there was an easier way.
Thanks for listening,
Jen

[Chemar]

Jen

I moved your post to the main SOS forum for you

I am so sorry you are feeling this way, but I am thankful you have found this forum where I know you will receive much support and care and understanding

[gardengrl]

Originally Posted by Jen29

Hi my name is Jen, and have been struggling with suicidal thoughts and ideation for years. But lately it's been worse. I know what people say about suicide, and I know the stigma that goes along with it. I just want people to know that I don't know what happens afterwards, but I don't know how much longer I can take it. I am hopeless and helpless, and don't want to end up back in the hospital for over the 30th time.
My 30th Birthday is coming soon, and I can't wait till I get out of my 20s. My 20s and teens have been hell for me, i just hope my 30s will be better.
Thanks for listening,
Jen

Hi Jen, Very pleased to meet you I am so sorry that you have had such a hard time! I can relate a bit......My younger years were horrible for me, I "attempted" many times,,,like you......It's a horrid way to live.

Please know that it DOES get better,,perhaps as you said, now that you are out of your 20's,,you can get thru things better? I for one urge you to keep trying! PLEASE?? You are most likely a WONDERFUL person with so much to offer! How sad it would be to give up!

These forums are filled with others like us...I will pray for you my dear!

[mistiis]

Hi Jen...ssssss You have landed in a good place. It helps to talk about how you feel. We are here to listen, and offer support. There is a lot of good information as well. There are ways to fight those suicidal thoughts. I have done it all my life. And I still do it. Life can be worth living... please hang in there...sending you lots of prayers...

[BlueMajo]

Welcome Jen

The thing I can suggest you is, try to live day, by day... well, if you can minute by minute even better... avoid thinking "oh... 10 more years with this..." Try to think: "Right now, I have this, and feel like this.... but the next minute, I can start to feel better..."

Always do what you feel you need (WAIT ! Im not talking about suicide...) I mean, if you need a nap, take it... if you need to cry, cry... if you want a chocolate, eat it... right now is the only thing that matters...
Step by step...

Im sure you will find great friends here.

Come here, talk... that helps A LOT. Trust me.

[Jen29]

Thanks to all that have responded. I have tried taking some of your advise by living min. by min. or taking a nap. I feel worse then ever right now. The worst this is that this is a secret in my family. I live with my dad and step-mom but they think I am just anxious. I don't want to even leave my room. I don't want to live anymore. I think it's time to just hang out the white flag and give up. I don't know, no more hospital stays, have been through too many of them. i don't know what else to do. I don't know how to feel anymore, have to put on the happy face for family and friends. It's hard to do that, have been doing that for years, and it's getting harder and harder.

[Alffe]

Hi Jen and welcome to our family. I'm on vacation so don't have easy access to a computer but wanted to check in and found your post.
We lost our only son to suicide about 19 years ago and it changed our family forever...I wasn't sure we'd all survive it but we did. YOu say you have a large family....please don't put them through this nightmare.

At the top of the forum are some stickies...I copied one for you...

What to do if you are alone and thinking about suicide.
Sit down and breathe deeply. Breathe deeply again and again.

Turn on the lights or open a door or window.

Pick up the phone and call a friend, even if you have to call collect. Talk to the operator
if you don't have strength to dial the number.

Say your name out loud. Say your friends' names out loud. Repeat and combine these
names with your name.

Cry, even if it means weeping bitterly. Scream; "God, why am I in such despair? Why
did you do this to me? Tell me why."

Pray. Say: "God, help me. Please give me a reason to live."

Touch yourself. Feel the rapid beating of your heart.

Turn on the television, radio, or stereo.

Close your eyes and think about The Wizard of Oz or chocolate ice cream or giraffes.

Get out a photo album and look at the pictures of your family and friends.

If you have a pet, pick it up and hold it tightly.

When you have the strength, get out from where you are. Go to the movies.
Go to the shopping mall. Go to a neighbor's or a friend's house. If you
are afraid to drive, run as fast as you can for as long as you can.

Get yourself to where there are people.

****************

Staying alone in your room is not a good idea but talking about what you are feeling is.....you'll find a lot of caring people here. Please stay strong and remember that suicide isn't the answer..it's a "forever decision".

[Lara]

Hi Jen,
I'm so sorry you're going through such a difficult time. Actually the most difficult time for me in my life was in my 20's really. I just didn't feel that I belonged anywhere. Thankfully that changed and by the time I was in my late 20's early 30's, I'd found a lot of joy and peace that I didn't ever think I would find.

You mention wanting to quit taking your medications and quit seeing your counsellor because you feel you're wasting her time. Quoting your message here "I feel there are so many more people out there much more important than me, and have a better chance than I do".

Frankly, this is just my suggestion, but I wouldn't change anything at all for now especially if you're in a crisis.

If you feel the meds aren't helping, then go talk with the prescribing doctor, but please don't just stop taking them suddenly as that might make you feel even worse. Maybe your medication needs a change or a tweak, but don't do anything like stopping them cold turkey. Please.

If you feel that you're not getting anywhere with your counsellor you could maybe get in to see someone else but please don't just stop seeing a counsellor altogether. Not yet.

Please confide in your family. If that is totally impossible and I understand what that is like, then confide in a very close friend or another relative that you are close to because you need to let those around you know how desperate you are feeling. If you keep up that "happy face" for your family and friends, then they won't know how to support or comfort you.

Being depressed is not a sign of failure or a sign that you're wasting people's time. It's a sign of fragility and it's very, very common. You aren't wasting anyone's time by reaching out to them for help. It's actually a sign of strength and courage... a good step.

[gardengrl]

Hi Jen,,,I just wanted to say.....Hope this comes out right.......
The "average" life expectancy is around 80?? So you have only experienced a small portion of what your life will be....It really CAN change for the better!! For myself, I started getting out of my depression after age 40 {don't worry, I'm a slow one}....

I all of a sudden felt good, I tell everyone I ran away from home at age 40 LOL....But it's the truth....I had a bad accident & it left me with many forever injuries, including a Brain injury, BUT...it turned out to be "ALL GOOD" ,,it changed my life for the better.

I know the last thing you probably feel like doing is helping someone...BUT, when you do this, it helps YOU to heal...People used to tell me I was so nice to help & I would say, "thank you, but it's really selfishness,, cause it makes ME feel better"! lol...it really does...
Just my silly, crazy input...lol..Maybe it will help you..I hope so

[Jen29]

Thank you all for your comfort. I really truly appreciate it. It makes me wonder how many out there suffer silently. I in a way do because I don't share hardly anything with my family or friends. I don't want to worry them or cause them to call my family with worry. That would just make things worse, I mean a lot worse. I am suffering a lot today, as I don't know what to do with myself. I am scared and lonely. I have talked with people online, but I feel that isn't enough. I have no intention on going to the hospital as this would just cause problems. I don't know what to do. i am scared, but not to the point that I need immediate help, at least I don't think so, other's say different. Anyway, thanks for listening and helping me out.