[Jen29]

I just can't do it anymore. Life shouldn't be this hard. I can't do anything right. I am not working and therefore i think of myself as a loser. I talked with my mom today and she wants me to get a job. I know I need to get back to work, but with the way things are going lately, I don't think i could work. I am on a leave from my other job until Aug. 3rd. I am already getting nervous to go back there, and it's not even June yet.
I thought that when I turned 30 things would get better. Yeah I know I am only a few days older than 30, but I thought maybe my thinking or my worring would be less. Too many expectations on myself I think. But if I don't have any expectations I will fail, what am I talking about I am already failing.
I try to live each day to the best I can. I have spent since Sunday in my pjs, and in bed pretty much. I don't know what is wrong with me. I just got out of the hospital last Monday, and now am already falling backwards. Maybe my efforts are failing, but I don't know what else to do.
My feeling of inadequacy is felt every day that I wake up. My feeling of despair and the felling of being all alone is there too.
I don't know what I want out of life. I know I should get out of the house and go for a walk or go to a friend's house, but I have nothing to say. I am afraid that I would say the wrong thing. One of my friends already thinks I am back to being suicidal. That feeling was only gone for less than a week. Is this how life is going to be? Is this what I have to look forward too in my days and weeks and months and years to come? Then what is the point? I see no point in even trying anymore.
I see my psychologist tomorrow and my psychiatrist on Thursday. I am going to give it 2 more days and see what they say and then make my desision. It's not fair to my family to see me live this way, and I don't want to make things even more difficult. I think if I were gone so many people would breath a sigh of relief. Including my mom and dad and step-mom and step-dad. They have been so nice and patient with me, but it's time that I do them a favor. Maybe even time to do myself a favor and just say good-bye.
I am just at a loss right now, and maybe in trying to be desperate to plead with people to just let me go.
I know I have been a pain in the butt to people, and haven't belonged to this site for very long, but just don't know what else to do.
Anyways, thanks for listening to me again.
Jenni

[Alffe]

Jenni, thank you for talking about how you are feeling. Many of us have felt as you do now and we've lived to talk about it...to try to give someone else a reason to live.

Trust me when I tell you that your family would be forever changed if you took your life. They would have to live with the guilt and anger for the rest of their lives. You don't want to leave them with this kind of pain.

Have you read "Suicide, The Forever Decision?" It's an excellent book, written for people who are considering suicide..it's soft cover and not expensive.

Have you read the stickies at the top of the forum....Pter's wise words?
You will tell your drs. how you are feeling when you see them...right?
I'm wondering if you need an adjustment in your medicine.

Hang tough dear 30 year old lady...things change but you have to give them a chance and if you're dead it'll never happen.

[Burntmarshmallow]

Jen ,
It is good you are going to see both of those Doctors.
I know many of us have had to see doc after doc until we found one we felt comfortable with and could honestly "talk" to. That makes a HUGE difference.
Honey You would NOT be doing any one including yourself any kind of favor if you "just say good bye" . they are not being ...nice and patient with you ..THEY LOVE YOU nice and patient
comes with Love . and I have to say as I find this a fact even in death people dont let go of you. It has been over 25 years since I lost my dad ..I HAVE NOT LET GO OF HIM AND I NEVER WILL !! Death dose NOT make things easier
I am sorry I must seem like I am a mean insensitive person .I am sorry... you are part of the family here and we are here for each other and I want to help if I can even if it is in a small way.
Please if you are having dark thoughts and ideas call the local suicide help line...keep reaching and fighting.
keep sharing and talking ... we care

prayers for strength and healing to you Jen
PEACE
BMW

[Brokenfriend]

It sounds like you are going through a ruff time. I've been there. You can make it.

I'm sending hugs your way. I noooooo how ruff it can get. I'm sending hugs.

There is a verse in Isaiah 41:10. I've got several Bibles around here. The King James Bible says...
Fear thou not;for I am with thee:be not dismayed;for I am
thy God:I will strengthen thee;yea,I will help thee;yea,I will
uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.

That is a very powerful verse. This has kept me from sinking many times. I hope that it does the same thing for you Jen. BF

[Jen29]

Thank you for your response. I have read that book. It's a very good book however, I don't know where mine is anymore. I don't know what to say to anyone anymore. I want to die so bad it hurts. Just the pain of thinking about what I want to do to myself hurts. I was just in the hospital and had a minor med adj. I thought it was working at first, but in the end nothing works. I just don't know what to do anymore.

[Alffe]

Just keep doing what you're doing Jen...talk about what you are feeling and give yourself a break...lower your expectations...as you said, you just got out of the hospital. Just do an hour at a time for now. Would you consider going back in if the dr. suggests it? And I wish you would talk to your family about your depression, about what you are considering. You should give them the chance to help you. I would have given anything to know how my son felt.

Have you read this...http://suicide.com/suicidecrisiscenter/incrisis.html

[Jen29]

Thanks for everything all of you. I had a very bad night last night. It's only 5:45 am here and still not really any sleep. Every time I would close my eyes i could see my funeral and see me taking pills, and the docs pronouncing me. I don't know what that means, but it was kinda peaceful yet scary if that makes any sense.

[Alffe]

We'll be thinking about you today Jeni when you see the dr.
I hate not sleeping...hard to function without a good nights sleep.

Remember that we are here for you to talk to....and so is your real life family.

[BJ]

I am very proud of you Jen. You have taken the right steps and have started talking again. Give it time, you have to heal yourself first. Your friends will start coming around more when you start caring about yourself. They can pick up on positive and negative thoughts. When you are down they tend to back off because they are scared or don't know what to say to comfort you.

Find something to do that will give you a moment's worth of purpose and build from there...small steps...you won’t climb Mount Everest this year in all probability, but you can find someone that is valued by you...also there are many people who have felt or are feeling this way so keep talking.

Sometimes we all just need to not feel alone. Sometimes we all just need somebody to care. I hope typing it out on this forum is helping to relieve some sort of suppressed feelings. Maybe by expressing your feelings in words (or other ways), you can start feeling better. I hope you find peace within yourself.

Stay on the path you are on, it leads you out of the darkness... I still hold you in my thoughts and good luck today.

Every morning, when we wake up, we have twenty-four brand-new hours to live. What a precious gift! We have the capacity to live in a way that these twenty-four hours will bring peace, joy, and happiness to ourselves and others.

Thich Nhat Hanh

[Burntmarshmallow]

((((Jen )))
I thought about you most of the night and all day. I hope the apt you had today went well and that light is breaking threw the dark confusing clouds that life plums .
I write and wrote so much during my darkest times.
sometimes I just write words one after the other, not even making sentences ,just getting things out it can be healing .
Maybe you would like to post on the wonder thread sometime.

Let us know how it went and what you thought about today and how you feel.
Holding you in my thoughts and I know the rest of our family here is too .

PEACE
BMW