[Nik-key]

With little surprise I have to admit ((Alffe)) is once again right.. the second year is proving harder in many ways.

The defensive numbness is no longer protecting my raw emotions and broken heart. The shock has worn off, to be replaced with unrelenting cruelty, the realization, that Dad is truly gone. This nightmare really happened. My Dad killed himself.

Last year was filled with such extreme, complex emotions and pain, that though I “knew” he was dead, I hadn't faced it. I was so consumed in how he died, that I wasn't able to feel the loss. I feel it now. Though I know I need to in order to heal, I have to say, I miss the numbness that use to overcome me.

I have taken some major steps toward healing. Memorial Day was a major turning point for me. I completely broke that day. Unlike before, with the shock and the protective numbness.. This time I could feel myself crumble.

I didn't want to go to his grave. I hadn't been back since last year when we had a private “service” for my sister who hadn't been able to come to the burial. I didn't want to go back, because then, it was real.

My Grams and I always went to plant our families graves since I was a little girl. When she got too old to go, I carried on the tradition for us. She made me promise when she was gone, I would continue to “take care of our loved ones, don't let them think we forgot about them”. When she died in 06, I went to her grave every single day for months. I planted the biggest garden I possibly could. We “talked” and I let her know, she was not forgotten. It brought me such peace.

I have only been to Dad's grave three times since he was buried. I find no peace there, only pain. Out of respect for him, I decided I had to go. I am not able to share all of what I experienced that day, some of it is just too painful, some too private…..but it was a turning point for me.

I didn't find peace there this time either, but I did find strength. While sobbing, leaning on his stone, a song came to me……….a memory vividly clear…………………

One day I went for our usual visit and my Dad with his booming voice said, hey they made a song about you! He started to chuckle, that laugh that still echoes in the recesses of my mind, and pulled out my chair for me. I knew this was going to be good, I thought it might be a funny song…..(it wasn't)
He then started his CD player and we listened to what Dad called “Nikki's song” …..It was Rodney Atkins, If your going through hell

*crying….He then told me, how proud he was of me. Not the first time, not the last. He often expressed his admiration for how I was able to “handle” my diseases and physical pain. It ripped him apart to see his little girl is such pain. The man never cried for himself, all the pain he had endured… but he cried for my pain.

He said the same thing about trying to cope with Alzheimer's stealing my husband. Lynn was Dad's very best friend, it shook him to the core to see the disease in progress. He often shook his head and said I don't know how you do it. I always told him I got my strength from him. It was the truth.

“Face it head on” This is what my Dad taught me to do with all of life's trials. Don't go around it, it only delays the inevitable. Go straight through it.

…………..

Sitting at his grave, sobbing, I could hear Dad singing that songs chorus to me….

“If your going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there”



What am I to do now, without his strength to help me through? He had promised he would be here to help me through the loss of Lynn. The first promise he ever broke. How do I continue to live in this world, with all the trials I already face….. and now, with a broken heart, a shattered soul, over his loss?

Head on - Just like he taught me.

After leaving the cemetery, I did another thing that I have been avoiding. I went to his house. My step Mom is someone I can talk freely with about my pain, she feels it just as deeply. She met me at the door and asked if I was ready for this… I replied I will never be ready Mom.. And we both broke down.

I then did something I swore I would never do. I walked up the ramp. This is where Dad and I spent a lot of our specials times. It is where we went out to have our smokes and share private conversations. It is where in the safety of his love I was able to tell him things I have never told another soul. It is where we went when we needed to share … emotions, hugs, love and laughs.

It is also, where he shot himself.

I swore I would never step foot on that ramp. But, somehow I knew, I had to. My Mom left me alone so I could break in private. I stayed there for the longest time. I just can't talk about it yet, if ever…..
But, for the first time, I was able to grieve for the loss of my Dad without how he died clouding those emotions.

I found some peace that day. Peace, strength and courage. Dad is gone in body. Everything we had, everything we shared, our love, that lives in me. I have a long way to go to heal, but while doing so, I plan to make him proud of me..

And yes..... there was a yellow butterfly at the cemetary, and at his house..........


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GaOJsvcIG84

[MandaC]

I admire your strength. I'm sure he does too.

The title of this thread is just beautiful in itself. The word 'Healing' is just so incredible. We're always hear to listen about the ups and downs of the healing process I'm proud of you!

xoxo

[Nik-key]

((Manda)) Thank you

Today was a hard one. I had a garden stake made for Dad for Father's Day.... I wanted to bring it up early as I am not sure I will find the strength to go on Sunday. I had told my step Mom that I would come up to show it to her before I went to his grave.

His house....... his empty chair. Mom has tried soooooooo hard to rearrange the house in the hope it would make visiting again easier. She changed the table, moved the chairs, but no matter what you do.......his absence lingers everywhere. *sigh

The ramp. I know there will always be so many questions left unanswered. I know I need to find a way to come to some semblance of peace, that these whys and what ifs .. will never be answered. But it is so damn hard!

I asked Mom today, why there! 40 acres of land, of all the places, why there? Why our special spot? Why ruin that for me?

She stopped my tears mid stream with the shock of her reply. "It was his special spot too dear, yours and his together.............of all the places, where else would he choose?" .........................

Well hell. We talked a long time........ Consumed in my own selfish pain, I could not see what was obvious to others..... It was his special spot too, ours together...... I left feeling one why had been answered.

I asked if I could plant flowers there, yellow roses........ it is my hope to one day replace the horrific images in my mind.......winters I fear will always be hard for me, I am not sure I can ever get that image out of my mind.

The Rose, has always been one of my favorite songs....
Just remember, in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snows
Lie the seed, that with the sun's love
In the spring, becomes the rose

Perhaps planting our special flowers there will help.............

It was hard going to his grave, but this time I felt connected ... it is hard to explain..........

This is the memorial I had made for him.......... thanks for letting me share with all of you

[Alffe]

Oh that's beautiful Nikki...and how wonderful to have one "why" put to rest....how very insightful of your stepmom..a simple truth that simply fits.

[DejaVu]

Hi Nikki!

Thanks so much for sharing so honestly and so freely!

You have made tremendous strides in your healing!

Although I have been away for quite some time due to severe medical complications, I do remember you very vividly! I remember your story, your heartbreak and your deeply sincere desire to both undestand and to heal.

We'd had a few exchanges when you'd lost your Dad.
It was very painful for me to read about your deep pain then, as it had reminded me of the deep hurt I had felt when my Dad took his life, too.
Yet, I'd felt compelled to read all you had to share...and I'd wanted to respond whenever I'd felt led to do so. More than anything I (and many others here) had wanted you to know you could find healing.

While I was away, I did not forget you. You have remained on my daily prayer/healing list.

Just as I had grieved along beside you then, I rejoice with you now... for all you have accomplished in effecting your healing over this past year!

Heartfelt congratulations to you for all of the very hard work you have done!

What a tremendous blessing to see how far you have come in healing!
This brings a joyful song to my heart today! Makes me wanna do a happy dance!

With Deep Gratitude and Sincere Admiration ~

[Addy]

Nikki... thank you.

All of you here: thank you.

[Nik-key]

I wasn't able to come back after I posted this, sorry I missed your replies ((DejaVu)) and ((Addy))

((DejaVu)) I remember our exchanges well, you helped me hang on, more than you could possibly know. You had lost as I had, the devastating loss of a loved one to suicide. You had survived, you gave me hope.

I just don't know where I would be today if I hadn't found the strength to reach out, but more important, if others hadn't had the compassion and courage it took to hold onto me, to reflect back on your own pain and loss, to show me, and others, one can indeed survive.

((Alffe)) just big huge hugs of understanding

It is Dad's birthday tomorrow. I went today and placed a balloon on his grave. It was hard, still so very hard........

[Addy]

I read this thread as if it was the first time... and I found it interesting to see I learned more than I did the first time I read this...

Nik-key ... what you wrote above is powerful and deep... its raw.
You wrote with absolute eloquence... as if the words flowed out of you...

And today I am moved to say this to you...

I believe that many of the things your Dad taught you were what he hoped he could change in you... somethings he just couldn't change in himself...

I think your Dad and you are very alike and that is why you had this special bond - your Dad was a gift to you... as you were a gift to him....

Your Dad's wish for you right now would not be sadness, my friend... but naturally, it is sadness and despair that you feel...

I am sure your Dad is so very sorry

................

Addy

[Nik-key]

((Addy)) Words fail me....... thank you very much for your moving words

[who moi]

dear nik,

there are many talkers in this world...but not many walkers that will walk the talk...

you are definitely a walker...

your strength is amazing...in all your angst and anguish, you have found that will...to survive and thrive...

and you show us that it is NOT easy...it is tongue biting and brick throwing and mouthful of cuss words...

but still, you are doing it...

and as you post your "blog" to us...you are showing people a way to survive...

just like Alpho has shown us how to survive as well as many here that have shared how they survived...

it is NOT easy to survive...I've met some that simply numb themselves senseless (perhaps that's a transition to the next step of survival, I hope so)

but you are fighting it, you are battling it, and you are not doing it sitting down...you are walking and walking and standing tall...

you keep at it...you keep on talking....your emotions, all of them...raw...give it to us...

we need it....