[Alffe]

Bereavement for the loss of a loved one is a complex and idiosyncratic experience, with each person mourning at his own pace and in his own way; yet the process is surprisingly uniform. Survivors of deaths due to natural causes, accident, homicide or suicide experience comparable phases of shock, disbelief, protest, disorganization, yearning, and, eventually, reorganization. Similar feelings of depression, grief, anger, anxiety, guilt, physical symptoms and emotional distress develop.

Clinical observatons, however, consistently confirm that the experience of surviving a loss to suicide is more difficult, more complicated, and more intense. Although many suicidal behaviors may precede a suicide, its suddenness will still shock. Death by suicide is frequently violent and bloody. Finding a loved one after a shot to the head, or having to cut down a hanging body may leave the family member with nightmares, severe anxiety, intrusive memories and other symptoms of post traumatic disorder. Feeling of abandonment and rejection are common in survivors who feel that the decedent willingly choose to separte, to leave behind loved ones and friends, to permanently and non-negotiably sunder bonds with spouse, parents, children and siblings. These feeling are hard to reconcile, and survivors may be left with persistent, troubling concerns.

Particularly the need to understand "why" drives survivors to search and review endlessly, hoping to find some logic in the act that will allow their feelings to be tolerated. In extreme cases, the need to find this answer may become an obsessional reoccupation that derails the bereavement process, while all too often death has made this answer inaccessible.

Norman L. Farberow, Ph.D.
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
Lifesavers newsletter

[who moi]

Originally Posted by Alffe

Particularly the need to understand "why" drives survivors to search and review endlessly, hoping to find some logic in the act that will allow their feelings to be tolerated. In extreme cases, the need to find this answer may become an obsessional reoccupation that derails the bereavement process, while all too often death has made this answer inaccessible.

Norman L. Farberow, Ph.D.
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
Lifesavers newsletter

how true...

it's a paradox...because I think for some that commit suicide, to them, that very point of act WAS logical, at least in their heads...

to all the survivors of it, it becomes ILLOGICAL....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I wonder if my conversation with Matt would be:

moi: Matt, how could you kill yourself and carve that onto that table?? How can you kill yourself knowing that your mom would be so sad and angry and miss you. Not to mention your friends...don't you know how illogical that was?

Matt: moi, it may be illogical to you, but to me, it made every sense in the world...and you should know, cause you've been there....

moi:.......

~~~~~~~~~~~~

it would be true, because in those moments where I'd come so close....I made PERFECT sense to me...*sigh....

for the room

[who moi]

bump...

and I am outta here...

broom

[Nik-key]

Death by suicide is frequently violent and bloody. Finding a loved one after a shot to the head, or having to cut down a hanging body may leave the family member with nightmares, severe anxiety, intrusive memories and other symptoms of post traumatic disorder.

Feeling of abandonment and rejection are common in survivors who feel that the decedent willingly choose to separte, to leave behind loved ones and friends, to permanently and non-negotiably sunder bonds with spouse, parents, children and siblings. These feeling are hard to reconcile, and survivors may be left with persistent, troubling concerns.

I will never get those images out of my head.

I will never be whole again.

Yet somehow, someway, we are left to try to "survive"

[Brokenfriend]

I read this in the psalms today.

Psalms 43:5 (King James version)

Why art thou cast down,O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope in God: for I shall yet praise him,who is the health of my countenance,and my God.

I hope that this verse helps people out there. I have so many of these verses that keep me going. I hope that others can be strengthened with verses like this one. BF

[billie]

Thanks for your words. This would be one significant reason why I never made a "success," if that is the right word, of suicide. Just couldn't do it to Mom and Dad. My depression was not their fault. Or, even if they inadvertently said or did some inaccurate raising of me, they certainly didn't mean to. This is the best we can ask of families. Probably even the worst of families do the best they can with what they have to work with. So the "I'll show them" line of suicidal thought should not be a line of thought. The price is too high. For everyone. How can we know we want to die unless we have done so at some point?

[GmaSue]

but isn't that the whole point? If you are thinking clearly, you wouldn't do it to your family and friends. But in the moment that your brain tricks you into truly believing they will be better off without you......so how can suicide be thought of as a selfish act? Maybe for some...but I don't believe it is that for most...

[Alffe]

Oh I so agree with that Sue.

[BJ]

When someone is going through something, no matter how trivial it may seem to you, it may seem logical to them. When someone decides to make a decision like that they have to realize they are not hurting themselves they are hurting the ones around them. People they love will suffer the rest of their lives because someone they love has passed away. Do people really want to inflict that kind of permanent pain on someone?

Suicide can be the rational choice if a person is sick and tired of fighting for their life and they are suffering. If this person says they want to die and nothing is wrong then they have lost hope and joy in life. Can you call that rational?

Suicide is really not about rationality it's about subjectivity and that changes from hour to hour and day-to-day.
Yes, I have thought about it these past couple weeks. I have thought about it a lot. I’ve been having horrible nightmares thinking about Mark and why he did it, why so young. I still see my dad cutting him down in the bathroom. But logically it still does not make sense, because it would be quitting and I am not a quitter.

[Alffe]

"We find a place for what we lose, wrote Signund Freud to Ludwig Binswanger after the death of his friend's son.
"Although we know that after such a loss the acute stage of mourning will subside, we also know that we shall remain inconsolable and will never find a substitute. No matter what may fill the gap, even if it be filled completely, it nevertheless remains something else."

Some say survivors never recover from a suicide. "Life is back to normal, but normal is different now," says a man whose son hanged himself. "Normal will never be the normal it was before a year ago." A man whose teenage daughter killed herself two years ago says it helps him to think of his grief as a physical handicap: "Some people can't see, some people can't walk, and I can't seem to enjoy life," he says matter-of-factly. Says Tom Welch, "We never really essentially get over anything. We resolve it in such a way that we can go on."


The Enigma of Suicide by George Howe Colt