Hello!

Looking for some feedback/support. My partner of 6 years suffered a brain injury in 2012. He was hospitalized for several days while they monitored him for a subdural hematoma. He didn't end up needing surgery. His recovery was tough, though -- for months he experienced light sensitivity, concentration issues, dizziness, pronounced anxiety, etc. He recovered from the immediate post-concussion syndrome, but he's never been the same. I should also mention that he suffered from one (mild) concussion prior to the 2012 incident and one following.

He's always had anxiety issues, but in the years since the accident, depression became his major affliction. He struggled with school. Last year, he started on Effexor. His prescriptions come from our family doctor. He was seeing a therapist to monitor his progress, but recently stopped attending his appointments.

Since the incident, he's been like an entirely new person. December 2013, he abruptly moved out while I was grieving a loss in my family (he's always been very supportive of and involved with my family, so this seemed particularly atypical behaviour for him). He insisted that it was "good for our relationship" and would "be like starting from the beginning". We stayed together until that summer, when he called it off. He's broken it off several times since then, always (like clockwork) telling me he misses me one month later, only to eventually (3 weeks following that) break it off again. This has happened four times this year, with the most recent breakup happening last week.

His emotions seem to waver wildly from day to day. In the last year alone, he's dropped out of school and alienated most of his friends. I am the only consistent source of support in his life (he has a rocky relationship with his family, and they live in a different city from us). Every few weeks he falls into a frightening state of anhedonia and apathy, where he says extremely cruel things about people and myself. During his good weeks, he's the loving and supportive person I remember from years ago. But when he's trying to break it off he cites "being confused" and "wanting a relationship but not wanting a relationship", "loving me more than anyone in his entire life, but not wanting to be good and fair to me". He made it clear that he's grappling with feeling like he wants to sleep with other people (and apparently did so while we were broken up), despite that fact that his antidepressants have made it difficult for him to orgasm. He recently asked for an open relationship, something I've made very clear at the beginning of our relationship is an impossibility for me. This is something he knows very well about me.

This is what I mean. The things he says when we're breaking up don't really make sense in the context of our relationship, or even based on what he already knows about me. It's frustrating because nothing seems to make sense.

Has anyone gone through something similar? I realize that there is a possibility that our relationship might have ended in exactly the same way if he hadn't had the injury, but I've known him for so long and I honestly feel that something's off. I'm also a graduate researcher doing my PhD in neurodegenerative diseases including CTE (chronic traumatic encephalopathy), so please believe me when I say that I'm not really not just some lovelorn girl trying to gaslight a boyfriend who wants to leave me. One of researchers at my institute citing a 50% divorce rate among people who suffered from TBI (presumably due to the marked personality/behavioural changes that accompany the injuries).

The relationship is currently over (again), and I've resolved to stay away from him for fear of putting myself through terrible emotional duress, but I still love and think the world of this person. While I accept that being together is not healthy for me right now, I still worry about him constantly.

I know that these types of behavioural changes are more commonly associated with more severe types of brain injuries (at least, more data is available on this). Has anyone experienced something similar with concussions? I don't know. I guess I wanted to talk to someone, too. My friends tell me that he's not my problem anymore, and that I need to move away from a relationship that's been very painful for me. I agree and I fully intend to stay away from him the next time he reaches out, saying he misses and loves me. But I also am worried about him and don't want to leave someone alone when they need support. We do have the same family doctor, and I wasn't sure if I should open up about my concerns (especially those regarding his avoiding therapy). Really, any opinions/insight would be greatly appreciated.

Welcome hela.

Hi Hela,
I feel for you, and am torn between the advice I would want to offer. Having Depressive Personality Disorder and severe Depression I once had my personality changed totally due to the medication I was taking. Along with my physical disabilities I was impossible to live with and my partner of 15 years left. I felt betrayed and abandoned and it was one of the most hurtful points in my life.
However, out of necessity, I had my meds changed and pulled myself together so I could cope with my daily needs - something I hadn't managed mentally for years.
The initial pain, which has been revisited by family for various reasons over the years, is one which many ill or disabled people suffer through their lives. Visited upon them - often unknowingly - by family or friends.
Yet, in my case, and possibly yours, causing this pain makes positive changes in the sufferer. Without a safety net one HAS to follow the path that leads to a better life, be it new meds or a return to Therapy.
Above all else there is your own wellbeing to consider. 'Misery loves company', and if you get dragged down into a dark spiral you will be of no help to anyone, anyway.

Dave.

Hi all,

Thanks for the warm welcome. It seems all the signs are pointing to walking away. It will be what he's asked me for (to "be alone and accountable to fix himself"). Standing by his side clearly hasn't helped him. I feel frustrated that he could think so little of someone he still apparently cares about. But I guess his issues have made him a very different person than I used to know. And since he keeps cutting me loose, it isn't like I'm turning my back on someone who is begging me to stay.

This feels awful.

Hela,
I know circumstances are different, but after I got better my Ex and I became and remain best of friends. She has stood by me through far worse physically than before, having her freedom. The road ahead will not be easy, whichever fork you take, but always make yourself your priority - without that you cannot care for anyone, now or in the future.

Dave.

I agree with Dave; You need to put the oxygen mask on you first...if your 'other' then doesn't want you to put his on, sometimes, you have to just wait and watch him put it on himself ...no matter how slow or how many times he takes it off and back on again...does it wrong...etc; And sadly, sometimes you have to walk away to be appreciated.

hela -
I just want to say how sorry I am you're stuck in such an impossible situation. I applaud your effort to find out about whether a brain injury can cause the things you are witnessing. I wish someone (especially my longtime significant other at the time) would have connected the dots (as you have) and tried to understand. It is horrible how little information patients are given after a head injury that is seemingly mild. I was never told I might experience insomnia, depression, mood swings, anxiety, trouble focusing on simple tasks, personality changes, decision making that was totally out of character, constant confusion... all while not really being able to rationally think through what was going on and connect it to my head injury.
Your post described my life after my head injury. The erratic behavior, the out of the blue decisions that don't fit with the circumstances in your relationship at the time, the emotional roller coaster, the confusion about everything.
I want to let you know that the person you loved is not gone forever... but it is a long road to recovery. Time, routine, reassurance, mental and physical rest, as well as challenging his brain to start to heal (I played games on the Luminosity website and also did neurofeedback/biofeedback for several months which was really helpful). There are things he can do to help speed up his recovery, but ultimately it just takes time, it was probably about 3 years before I was completely "me" again. I don't remember a lot from the years post TBI, they are very jumbled, and I honestly try not to think about them... I lost my long term boyfriend, our two kitties, and the apartment we shared. It is hard to know I was so erratic and broken that my relationship crumbled under the weight. I'm sure, had we both had more information and sought out support from others who have lived through it, we would have had a fighting chance. I hope this helps you in some way. You should prioritize living your life and not let his injury do harm to you both. I think the best thing you can do is try to support him, and give him the tools to understand none of this is his fault. It will not last forever. My heart goes out to you both.
(I'm sorry this is so poorly written... I have a migraine today, so it has been hard to focus enough to write coherently, but I just had to respond because of how much your story echoes parts of my life)

Hello hela,

I'm sorry to read about your relationship difficulties. It sounds to me from just reading your post that it's your former boyfriend who needs to be finding out more about his condition and why he's feeling so badly. His personality changes sound really extreme and concerning.

A lot of those PCS symptoms you mentioned (light sensitivity, concentration issues, dizziness, pronounced anxiety, etc.) do often get better with time and rest and sometimes treatments, but not always. Some can be left with residual problems permanently even though they may not be as severe as immediately post injury.

The fact that it was a second impact injury makes things more complicated as well.

I'll post the link to the TBI/PCS forum below in case you ever want to check out the posts there. There is a wealth of information on that forum, both in the threads and also in the "Sticky" posts at the top of the forum that contain useful websites, resources and posts on hope and healing. You will find posts there also regarding personality changes after TBI.

Traumatic Brain Injury & Post Concussion Syndrome Forum

It sounds, from just reading your post, that he's lost and needing help. (p.s. when I say needing help, I don't mean from you. He needs professional help from those familiar with these types of injuries. There are great support groups too in the US (if that is where you are) for those injured and also for those who are caregivers). I'm very sorry about your relationship and you've obviously tried very hard to make things work.

Hi RosieFlower and Welcome,
Your story touched me as it was exactly the point I was trying to make in my first answer. The real person inside doesn't change. Yet there are constructive and destructive courses to choose.
Anyway, this Post is about you. I notice from your Profile and your other Post we have some things in common. Your Major Depressive Disorder is my Depressive Personality Disorder, Migraines/Headaches equal Cluster Headaches, Anxiety - Yep, Chronic Pain - Of Course.
Also, where you have Ketamine Infusions, I have Lidocaine and take Oral Ketamine to control neurological pain.
If you ever want to discuss any of these issues, anything else, or if you simply want to vent I'm always about.

Dave.

Thanks, everyone. I found a lot of comfort in your words. There's nothing I can really do now, as it's over. He sent me the saddest message the other day saying that he had made many mistakes over our relationship and that he's sorry. He told me that he loved every minute of our 6 and a half years together. But it wasn't trying to mend anything. It seemed like he was saying goodbye.

I'm not really sure what to do anymore. I guess I have to respect his wishes and stay away. I love this person more than anything, and this hurts.