Hi Eva,

I am just catching up on your thread.
I have thought of you so many times while I was away, offering love and prayers as you came to mind.

Again, tonight, Dear Soul,
Offering
Love and Prayers
for You and Yours.

To have you back
There is something always going on
For the better I pray
I don't ever want to give up
It gets harder and harder physically
The tragedy just overwhelmed
My talks with my youngest
Is making a difference I hoping
This is all I can do
A scary world today
So many
So much pain
So much sadness
So much loss
In it all we must push forward
Be well
Pray you are happy
Love
Me

I know myself well
And it doesn't matter how far away
Or how near something sad always catches me

A young girl
Raped doesn't even know it
He is of age still a in high school
Sophomore in high school
It pains me to know this
She thought he liked her

I cannot understand
How society allows such behavior
If a student continues to fail and reaches adult age
There most certainly should be separation between them and the underage
There is a middle school
Why not a school for children who turn to adult age
and continue their education in a different building
Can anybody see what I see happening
It is aweful
Just aweful
How many girls or how many young women get raped and don't even understand it
I taught my children when that time comes
When that time comes
I hope it is with someone you have feelings for
Not one night stands
It should be beautiful
Not like this young woman went through
Oh Heavenly Father
So many things I want to take on
And make change for our children who are living a life of struggles pressure
I thought it was hard for me when in high school
Nothing like today
Nothing
She feels dirty
SHE feel dirty
Sad
So sad for her
Hoping she will get help
Mother has no clue
No clue
Ways have changed
Not for the better when it comes to women getting raped
and don't understand that
Me

It just continues as I try and deal with the day to day stuff
I am overcome today with the selfish attitudes my children have
Three times directing my eighteen year old to sort her laundry
My grandchild not returning things to their home
Something she sees my eighteen year old does and she sees and does
It isn't okay when I dry mop my home and I ask her to kindly discard the dust and dirt from her room
That is just plain disregard of my request
Why must everything fall in my shoulders
Why must I be the one to do the things I really should not be doing and I am forced to
Why is it all about me me me me me
What is wrong with this world
This I did not teach my children
But they very quickly think of ME first
Today should have been a pool day
The tenant above me awoke me twice in the early morning
First at 12:40 in the morning and again 1:30 in the morning
Only to be up at 7:30 and have to do do do
So we all are ready to leave and enjoy the day
I did it all yesterday
I shouldn't have to do it again today
So we go nowhere
Time I stop what I shouldn't put up with
The selfishness just bugs the hell out of me
Not cool
And in the end its me who spoils it all
All I wanted to do is have a good day
With my family
Right
In my dreams
Even dreams are taken from me
I am not in a good place
Really angry
Really angry
And nobody truly gives a turd
Why should I
The rock I will always be
Not a door mat
Me

Why it posted like this I have no clue
Hit the reply button
No clue
Anyhow
Two separate issues

a scary world indeed eva. its not like it was when we were little. i know we need to be brave and keep trying but the more i fall the harder it is to get up. i am so very tired of all the pain both physically and emotionally. and i am so tired of seeing others in pain and not being able to do anything about it. helpless is all i feel lately. i hope that some good will come someday soon for all of us. i am sorry you are still struggling. i hope it helps to know that i understand and am there to lean on. i need some leaning on myself right now. so we are here for each other and i am so grateful for that. it helps me carry my heavy heart until all of our prayers are answered. love and hugs.

I will post this here because depression comes in many forms

It has been five years since on tamoxifen a drug that stop any estrogen production because my cancer is estrogen driven
Then cortisol produced by high stress
And finally progesterone another important hormone

I write this with a week of deep depression
Some situational add to that the lac of estrogen
I am a basket case

Being so in tune with my body mind and spirit
There is no question in my mind most of my depression is hormone
Doing all I can to take care of myself
No doctor is even touching it
Having my mutation that has been addressed reached its threshold
Now I am left with this
I have two and a half years left to be on tamoxifen
I will be very curious how my mental state will be
I am so in touch with my body
I am certain
Hot flashes
Sugar cravings Cortisol stress
Highs and lows
There is a check list of twelve signs to the three hormonal depression
And I cover a twelve
Everyone of them
This depression can mess me up big time
and because I know me I understand it

HOWEVER
And this be the reason I post it here rather then in women health
forum men and women need to know this

Depression so misunderstood
SO MANY FACTORS

I hope this helps get out there
so others can start paying attention to themselves a little better
and know your not crazy
It's your body out of wack
I had a very difficult time when I was in my ovulating days
And when I was going through my menopausal faze
All hell broke loose
This is when I got breast cancer
Remember
It is the kind that is driven by estrogen
My estrogen production ceased when starting tamoxifen

So where does that leave me
Fighting every single day not to give into it
It is a fight I hate
I rarely use the word hate
But the truth of the matter is I HATE how it robs me of my happiness
Will I ever feel the happiness I so look for
Love
Me

The hardest thing I ever have to do is separate myself from her chaos in her life
Allowing her the space to reflect on prioritizing her life
First by getting clean and sober
It will be a month before I pick up the phone
I love her to death
But cannot allow her to add anymore stress I have going on already
She will call every night to speak with her child
And that's it
She needs to concentrate on her and why her child is in my care
Never in a million years did I think it would take this long
I pray she does not spiral downward anymore than she already is
I kills to have to do this
But I cannot cry as much as I do in a day
I can't
Having to keep the faith
Having to be the foundation for this family
As my mother gave up a very long time ago
I have to let that go also
In my day I hope to smile and have a belly laugh
Laughing if it could just be bottled
Me

So we end the day yesterday
Going to my appointment with my pain specialist
Get there he's gone
Traffic was tiring
My body crippled
After doctor 4:45
Did about a half hour good shopping
Drop off the scripts like I always do after going to the doctor
I have been with my pain specialist since I became chronically ill with just about every part of my body
I keep telling myself
I should have just had a hysterectomy
Killing another chance of uterine cancer
Something taking tamoxifen can promote
Can you imagine
Only found out about this not to long ago
REALLY
where is informing the patient of the risk
Just released recently
Doctors not prescribing any HRT
I come home with my family in tow
Get home to a phone call from my pharmacist telling me my OxyContin rejected
I call insurance company to find out what happened
I was asked a few questions she had me on screen
and says you had last had your script filled this month on the second yesterday was the thirtieth
A red flag
Why my pharmacist filled it immediately was because he won't be back at work until Wednesday
Having to place the order for my medicine
so I'm not without
This happens
So the young lady continues
I remind her that I have picked this insurance company as it made more sense to do that rather by doctors
My pain doctor and coverage of my lifetime medicine
AS A RESULT OF BOTCHED WORK by surgeon
I was beside myself
She the says
She will fax as of yesterday
A form he must fill out
I forget the terminology
Basically why do I need such a medicine
Gave her his name number fax
And I will get word today
My pharmacist was looking out for me
I have been in a situation when storm Sandy hit the jersey shore
My pharmacist establishment was out of commission no electricity
Having a Walgreens up my block to cover me for a couple of days
after there was some order and restoring the city back to normal
Luckily having never abusing my medicine there were nights I fell asleep an had not been awakened to take it
I would then wait till the morning
In all the years I have been on it I had a three week supply in reserve
Does anybody see my anger rising
Not a word from the insurance company how this determination was reached without any history of me
I was shut down without cause
Oh I get it
The way of this country and addiction
NOT GOING ABOUT IT THE RIGHT WAY
IF ANYONE ADKES ME
I was red flagged
Because it was attempted to be filled two days earlier
with the holidays
If I didn't have reserve like I do
And we all know how that happens
Ooooooouh how upset that makes me for others also
So I will wait for my doctor to fill out the required form
and pray there will not be any problems
Isn't it enough already
Why do the very few suffer because of the abuse and practice the insurance is using no order for what merit and at who's expense
I have done everything to avoid having to take any drugs
Mine unsuccessfully done at the hand of another
And now this
After how many consecutive years
Sucked from me my estrogen (what make us feel good and more) and replace it with chronic lifetime pain
and no WARNING
something is very wrong with this picture
And then for my doc to have just leave
Jeez
What will today have to throw my way
Praying there be zero problems with this
Just praying
And then the tenant above me
Awakened me again with her malicious behavior
Time 1:30 A.M.
Not okay
Not cool
Have knocked on her door twice
Took it to the office
Next what to call the cops
Can you imagine
The person is an alcoholic and in my years living here came and ask if I had any pain meds
If I could spare something
This from a tenant that roams the halls looking for drugs
Never have I spoken to her about myself
Freshly moved in this apartment
She left the tub on above Corissa's room to overflow so badly
because she was drunk and fell asleep
The damage to Corissa's room the surrounding area ruined
and she's forgotten about the damage and to that add bad behavior as a neighboring tenant
I can take it a step further
It is in the lease to keep it quiet an respectful to others
Do not want to call the cops
Fear retaliation on my car
Something that already happened when requesting a handicap spot having all requirements
My car was keyed
All this additional crap I can do without
This for certain
How much can one swallow
Me

It should have been a thrilling day
My youngest just so utterly disrespectful
She hurts so terribly
Thinks only of herself
Eats and drink
Without thinking of others
Everybody else's belongings
Give nothing in return
Doesn't do the laundry
Read for her GED
read the drivers manual
Won't apply for a job
And just lays in bed on her phone with her girlfriend
It is the one thing I have to ask her father to turn it off
If pushed
Well I'm there
She manipulated everything she did in advance
She thinks about how to be deceitful
I NEVER TAUGHT THIS BEHAVIOR

She did so many hurtful selfish things that i just make me want to throw in the towel
She is pushing me to a place of no return
It is killing me
Why is she pushing me away like this
Its f*****g killing me
I mean it
I can't do it anymore
It hurts so badly
I also can add to my plate of problems
Scleroderma
In my abdomen and spine L4/5-5/6
It just toooooo Fu*****g wonderful
This to is why I hurt
This is what's happening
I hate it all
It was suppose to be a fur day
And she took it away with one moment with her father
You have to know the dynamics to understand
It was just so gross
Im sick and tired of all of it
I want so hard for it to work
To hell her get it
I want her to pay the bills this month

I need her to care and learn
I'm so lost

She is fighting me
To the death
It hurts that hard

She sees it
She knows it
And has no exination
She was doing well when coming
back home
Only know less is done
And she's that magical age eighteen
She needs to still learn the basics
You read right
The basics
All this in turn makes me cry cry
Like an idiot
I cry