I truly am sorry for all you are going through. I'm on disability with severe small fiber neuropathy and living in chronic pain is a h.e.l.l all its own for sure.

My husband passed away 8 1/2 months ago. He was only 58. We had been married for 35 years. I was 17 and he was 22 when we married. To say I miss him and am devastated without him is an understatement. We had our issues just like any other married couple. This last few years we were only intimate a few times here and there.

Today is the day before his surgery last year on May 20th. He had a rare non cancerous tumor in his neck. He was grouchy, ill and snappy with me. No loving words, nothing. He was in his own h.e.l.l trying to deal with a 10 hour operation he was about to have and didn't think he would make it through.

We have 2 grown children and 4 grandkids ranging in age from 11 to 15. I cannot even tell you how much they miss their "Bubba". 2 of the grandsons were by his side as he passed and were absolutely devastated and still are but have learned to move on. They talk about him all the time.

My husband did make it through the surgery but was never the same. We had 3 months after that to make our peace with each other even though at the time we didn't know that is what we were doing. He died knowing how much we all loved him, especially me, and I knew how deeply he had loved me over all these years.

I'm telling you my story because I'm hoping it will help you seek help. You may be at peace when you are gone but I can tell you from personal experience that your family will never, ever get over it.

You have so much to offer those grandchildren, your children and your wife. I too have coached young kids (cheerleading) and it will make you want to pull all your dang hair out ! But I loved it when I was doing it.

I have so many regrets and they are very hard to live with. Regrets of what I should have done and said with Bubba everyday of our lives.

He said during our 3 months together after his surgery, that he let pride get in his way. He was a manly man and even though I loved that about him it got in the way many times in our lives.

I tell everyone now to let their other halves know how much they love them. Even if they are mad at them. Just hug them tight and tell them. It actually gets easier to do when you keep doing that. lol

And working......boy how much I miss that. I was an Assistant Director in a mfg plant and I was over our mfg claims and administrative claims dept.

In Sept of 2012, after 26 years with that company, I was laid off. A month later I had what we thought was a regular hysterectomy. 2 weeks after that the path report says I had a rare uterine cancer and the chemo began. A month after chemo I could hardly walk. Between being pre-diabetic and having the chemo it has fried the A and C fibers in my feet. Severe small fiber neuropathy is what the biopsy revealed.

I won't blame you if you don't read this entire message. I guess your posts just opened the door for me to let it all out. Thank you for that

I went from super worker, super mom, super grandmother to being home 99% of the time. I hate living like this. But keep living I will do.

I take my punches and lay in the bed some days all day long. I have times I am severely depressed. A horrible blanket of sadness squeezes me so tight I can't breath. I cry and cry.

And then there are days I can shake that all off and be ok.

I wish you the best and hope you keep posting so we can know how you are doing and maybe something someone says here will help you.

Awesome group of people here and they helped me through my worst times. I thank the good Lord for them.

Debi from Georgia

Debi, thank you for sharing, and yes I read your whole post. Sharing is sometimes cathartic don't you think. I cried reading it, for you, for your loss and for your love. My DB is home ill today and yesterday. I'm going up to the front room right now just to hug him.

As for intimacy, I think many of us face that challenge - including those who are not suffering with chronic pain and or depression. I don't believe it's a conscious choice, it's like you wake up one day and think wow, when was the last time! You make a pact with yourself to make more of an effort and then wonder when the energy to make the effort will come from! At least I do anyway. I'm off for that hug now, no shades of grey though!!!!

Debi,
Please don't ever feel sharing is anything buy a course in life. It's life with the ups and downs and hurts, as well as regrets. Your reminders are well taken. There are always some undertones that makes one really think.....choices, should haves, would haves, etc.

I hope Fencer will realized what he means to his loved ones; especially the grandchildren. He will give them memories that will remain with them their lifetime.

We are all on this journey together.


Gerry

Pam,
You made me, as well as probably others, smile. I could visualize you heading off to give DB a "hug"; hope you got one right back. He's fortunate to have you at his side; especially when he needs someone to lean on.

Intimacy is in a look, holding hands, caring and sharing; much more lasting than any pact could ever replace. Thankfully Debi had those few months to have all the emotions that needed to be shared and experienced.


Gerry

Fencer,
I wish I could put in words something the would help give you the "push" you need. The only thing I can think of is "been there". I can understand you wanting to explode.

Dealing with the 24/7 pain, I like you, found it difficult to even do things that I still could do. I finally realized I was not only bringing my self down; but was pulling my husband down who didn't deserve this.

Not saying that over night there was a big difference; but I started moving around a bit more; joking which can some times be contagious. He enjoys going to lunch; so I do try to push myself to go with him for an hour or two once a week.

Your grandchildren will remember times they spent with you long after they are grown. It appears you have really spend some quality time with them.

You really sound like you still have some "ump" left in you; just need the "push" to get yourself up and about.

Really do appreciate your coming here to give us updates; whether good or not so good. You are putting an effort in sharing.


Gerry

This weekend "we" were cleaning out the storage unit. Since I cannot do that kind of stuff I stayed home. My wife, son-in-law and the grandkids were about to leave when the four year old says she's worried Papa will get lonely. So we ask he if she wants to stay with me. She says, "No" and goes skipping out the door. Forget that car when you're 16 kid.

Today I went through some of the boxes and found all my old international reference material, corporate governance material, office knickknacks. Geeze I miss that stuff so much. I should still be doing it. Cripes, I'm only 60. (61 in 2 days so you still have time to shop.)

I can't do anything that requires standing for more than 4-5 minutes and phone work is no good because I still garble stuff. I know, I'm the only one to whom stuff like this has ever happened.

It's just so much easier to curse the darkness.

hi sd. i'm so sorry you feel so isolated. i understand how much smaller the world feels when diagnosed with a chronic illness. i went from an active and social person to a homebound person who relies on others to help me get out to dr appts and the occasional dinner at the local diner. it has taken me some time to adjust (going on five years now) but i am trying to make the most of what i can do and what i have. i have two rescue pets that give me a reason to get up. and my family does their best to make me feel less alone. having my friends here at NT has helped me feel less alone too. life isn't the same but i have embraced it and am learning to enjoy the little things each day like the flowers and wildlife. i hope that you can find some joy in the little things too and know that you have found an awesome forum here at NT. the friendships and support i have gotten from this site have helped me to feel like i am still a part of this beautiful world we live in. you are not alone. i am here if you ever need a friend to talk to. soft hugs.