My pain has fluctuated so much in recent weeks that I have no idea what is going on... I just want it to settle as when its low, I feel like I can move forward, but when its high, I cant see how I could possibly get my life back... Its frustrating to be mentally ready to take on the world, but the slightest overstretch puts me back in bed... I am no fun anymore. My sense of humour has almost gone & I am losing the battle to find "me" again... I can see myself pushing everybody away & not sure why... I am exhausted...

Of course you're exhausted who wouldn't be . Hang tough dear man and know that you're not alone

Thank you Alffe.

Gentle hug (Andy)

Just a quick message to say that things have calmed down a little past couple of days & my mind has been put at ease for the time being... I have no doubt that there will be further ups & downs in the future, so have to appreciate when things arent so ****... I tire more every day & it feels like I exist rather than I live... C'est la Vie... Will keep plodding along until hopefully things get better... But after three years so far, that light at the end of the tunnel becomes more dim & distant... Thank you for being here & giving support to myself & many others... Know that it is appreciated...

While asking my old boss about a job for a friend of mine today, my boss asked me when Im coming back. I had to quit my job nearly three years ago & they still want me to return. It is so frustrating to be given the opportunity to have a life again, only for that opportunity to be snatched away by fates twisted sense of humour. I am not sure whether to be happy that they still value me, or depressed that I cant return. The catch twenty two of my life. There is a strange numbness & resignation to these repeated knock backs. I miss my job. I miss my life...

Be happy that they want you back and be depressed that you don't feel well enough to go . Hugs

Andy,
I can well understand where you are coming from. Really nice to know your old boss thought enough of you that you would be welcomed back; but it's a reminder how much the mind is willing; but the body won't cooperate.

The best the body will do for today is what I try to focus on; otherwise the "downers" take over.

Keep on "plodding" along my friend.


Gerry

Think Im just feeling a little sorry for myself at the moment. So many opportunities that I cant be a part of, while friends, family members & even those I dislike are all moving on with life & I am trapped... Just need to man up a bit, I think...

Andy there is no man up
You let loose when you need to
You have spoken the words for many
You can and it happens to us every once in a while
Watching the world go round and we are limited to be in it
Oh how I know how you are feeling
I have come to understand taking it one moment at a time
And then I wonder what if I were working when Eva was borni had my second PCDF that took my life assoon aftr that my double mastectomy
All this to happen and then Eva was born
Into this world where mom is still active in her addiction
What would have become of my granddaughter
How things have a purpose and I have to move along as best I can
I have become somewhat of a recluse
Someone who worked with the public all my life
Waitress 12 years full time to raise my babies
Malicious behavior from the father of our babies
A true DEADBEAT all their lives
My eldest was just turning 4 she is 35 now
My boy ready to turn 2 is 33 now
My grandchild mother 3months old now 32
Then I have my 18 year old
And finally my grandchild
I see where I'm needed

Worked those and many years after nights
Rarely did I have jobs in the 9-5 hours
Those were the corporate jobs
My last 12 1/2 years with the city I lived in for 46 years
Gone have zero benefits after getting sick
Retied from life as I knew it
It still freaks me out to say "Retired"
Long story fighting the following
I should be eligable for "early retirement disibility benefits" of my pension deptartment

Back on point
Oh heck
There are only a very few who get it
I have no close friend
Many acquaintances
Many
All I can say for certainty
Is Heavenly Father has been more felt in the last two years. Than ever before in my life
As Christ lives in me
And I'm not in anyway trying to shove this down your throat
It is just my personal experience
But as you said about your place of employment are looking for you too "when are you comeing back"
You were speaking of that it went through this cookie veins also
And many others I am sure
The thought that comes to me when I start feeling sorry for myself is when there was a sport I would play
Volleyball in the sand
And to not ever be able to grip the sand with my toes
Feel it under my feet like that ever again
Now I worry about clots having to spend so much of my time laying in bed
I get up every single morning getting my grandchild off to school
now
Do what I can around the house unti I can't anymore
then retire
This is about you
I keep talking of me
Sorry
And YOU letting loose has zero to do with that
Man up mentality
You are a human being experiencening these spiritual emotions
And feeling a little sorry for how the situation is now is allowed
If you want to scream at the top of the tallest building mountain
or in your head
It's okay
I hear your pain of it "ALL"
Every aspect of ones life
Changed overnight
Just like that
Hand in hand
As I offer you mine
Hang on as we fight the fight
So many horrible things that comes along when one looses their health under whatever circumstances
It hurts
It hurts
To watch them all
Move on with the world
Hang on Andy
Hold my hand as I extend it for you
Be safe in this world Andy
I hear and understand every single word expressed
There is no man up to anything
You matter
Love
Me