Thank you
It's so difficult
But I will
It is hard to let the lives you held
when babies
What happened
It hurts so badly
I have but no other choice
Me

You were able to get sober while your children were still young. I understand that you may still feel some guilt, and that they still may harbor some anger, but you should be very proud of yourself, forgive yourself, and not allow them to use that guilt against you. You are a good mother (and grandmother) and you deserve respect.

A loving mother will give of herself the best she can, but it seems like you have given to the point where you've let your children bleed you dry with no intention of repaying their debts. I'm so sorry for the stress money problems have had on you and your family. I hope that your daughter wakes up and realizes that her mother is a never-ending source of love, not money, starts repaying her debt, and gives you the apology you deserve.

At some point, you are going to have to accept the fact that your children are just never going to repay their debts. Once you've come to terms with that, you can begin dealing with the other issues that might be causing rifts in those relationships if you choose to.

Until then, as Dave said, take care of yourself and the little ones. Don't allow the others to manipulate and wound you.

I know that you are vulnerable right now, and in a lot of pain, but I also know that you are strong. Please hang in there and know that we're here to listen.



Kay

Dearest Kay
It is at that point I have reached
I have called the person I owe the balance of the car
No other obligations on my shoulders
Resentment yes many
And after all trials one must as I have and you very
eloquently put it
They are not going to pay me back
This from my two eldest who both took me on a hell of a run
So yes I am at that point
Again uncharted feelings
Though
Once I make a decision
I follow through
I come for what I receive
Feedback
I take what I need
and put the rest to rest
Thank you for the wise words
Mean more then you will ever know
It's priceless
I look for honesty
This I know you put forth
Thank you very much for that
Love
Me

It almost should be unspoken
Not a word uttered
Because one knows how badly the other
Hurts
I am so tired of crying
It too wipes me out and I don't even get a start in my day
For it has been like this for a long time
Three maybe four years now
It doesn't change much
When dealing with an addict
Such as myself
My children soon followed
I alcohol
My children alcohol and drugs
Nothing small time
Always on a grand scale
To the point of overdosing and getting the phone call
It has been like this since Christine reached seventh grade
Hell opened up
The years that followed Corissa being born with a kidney problem
This we found out when she was sick with fever at three and a half months
She almost died
Standing in the shower with her feeding her as the water rushed down our bodies to help bring the fever down
Rampid with a kidney infection
Two surgeries later and saving half of her kidney
Corissa is soon to be eighteen
Where did all those stressful days go
Over a month and a half in the hospital transferred once to the hospital where the disease specialist doctor Michael Lamacia
Will never forget him
I just might send him a card to the MAN
Christine still on a downward spiral
as all this is going on
I am in the school on top of it all
Yet she fought me all the way
With baby in tow
Christine stole the show
Then on a new road with a child at twenty two has her first seizure the years past
The hospital stays I was there always at their side
Never left them alone
Ever
I lost my job when Corissa became ill
That was the deli and house era mid nineties
Nineteen days in the hospital when she had brain surgery
By the way what the "F" was wrong with my ex-husband
He named her
Broken am I just thinking about it
Sorry I didn't cut it
For I understand no family is clear of skeletons
But
Please
Do not forget my children
It was my job
And I did it without thought
I just did
I was blessed to have become a mother
And try to do what I knew to do
I have done a heck of a job
This only they and I know
They need to step up with apologies
Not second hand apologies
They need to learn how to do the "forgiving"
The kind that does not come back and it resurface and bite you in the butt
No
And please this mommy knows every facial expression on their faces when having done a forth step over and over again
Because they did not like hearing the truth
My children have had learned behavior inflicted upon them
What the hell did I know in my late twenties and early thirties
I knew plenty
I had raised my baby sister
I was nine when she was born
It became my job
I already cooking dinner for the entire family upon coming home from school and expected to keep up with school and the English language
A little pat on my shoulder
A letter to the deputy director of the human resources for families
I have written of him briefly in my years on neuro talk
Nevertheless I asked my shrink if I could get his feedback of it
He was surprised to how well constructed
I told him it took me five days to get it just right
I was only a quater of the way in when reading it to him
Now I'm tickled he was
I don't know if surprised is the word I want to describe my initial feeling
I was hoping he would see the message I was sending
And I did not want to loose him as a reader to a very disturbing complaint towards a social worker
Hoping it gets in his work file
Picking and choosing a fight
Why does it boil down to putting one in ones place
I don't get it
It sad
It's very sad
And my personality wants to make things right
I MUST be very careful what I pick
You can't pick family
So I work with what we have

I cannot tell you if I have the heart to let what happened when Sara returned the gift I had given to her
And please this has zero to do with money
But more the reasons when I gave it
Was a terrible hurt
Never did I ever
Ever think she could do what she did
Knowing the story behind the necklace I wear around my neck
since April 1985
I still wear it as a reminder
I made it without havi g to sell "it"
As it represented much
I am floored Sara did the same
And she knows what she did
And what it would do to me
I worked hard to give my children the little I could
How do I get the place to "forgive" such hate anger so
help me
How do I tell myself
This should not be happening to you Eva
I is especially surreal
I am clueless what happened
How do you forgive
Clueless
My shrink won't accept that

I still very sorry to have a family that has scattered as they have

Nothing but pain

This heart feels the pain
It is broken into such minute pieces
Picking up the pieces impossible
Oh how unappreciated I feel
How used
Betrayed
Lied to
Stolen from
Comes from a terrible place
I cannot explain how disappointed in them
How do I forgive
As I am the one who gets dumped on
Love
Me

Dear Eva,

I had a lot of responsibility put upon me when I was young, too. I started the cooking and cleaning very young. I cared for my family members in life, and in death. We learn these roles, in our cases, the care-takers, very early.

I'm also the child of two alcoholics, and I'm an alcoholic myself (over 6mo sober now). I have learned behaviors, but that doesn't absolve me of responsibility for my own actions. I will not lay the blame for all the mistakes I've made in my life at my parents' doorstep. My sister, a year older than me, grew up in the same home and she is a very sober person. I suppose some people are more predisposed to addiction than others.
Some parents are unable to accept any kind of responsibility for how their addictions may have been a factor leading to their children's addictions. You, on the other hand, seem to be continuously torturing yourself

I wish that all your children could see all the good that you have done for them, all that you have given up, and how much you love them. I wish you could feel the love and appreciation that you deserve wrapping around you like a warm, soft blanket. Please try to focus more on the little ones right now- the ones who show you that love and appreciation.

It's so hard to look backwards at the big picture
We can make things harder on ourselves by doing it too often

When I read your posts, I realize how hard your life has been, and I can feel how much pain you are in. I hate the though that you may be suffering like this everyday...
Please try your best to address the issues of the past in therapy and use the forum here to talk about the past and lean on us for support…
But please try to live more in the present, Eva. The past is tearing you apart right now

Kay

Having the courage to let go and move on
As change continues to happen
And the world goes round and round
To pick myself up brush up a bit and continue to just do
Things have changed in very big ways
I will remain as sturdy as I can
I have no wish to be in habitual pain of any kind
I can go through life bitter at it all but I won't
It will not get the better of me
The night coming to an end
As this flare up and bad weather has kept me in bed for most my time up
Forcing myself the routine I go through every morning after I psych meditation take the meds that start a new day
Looking forward to better weather
Found a walking partner
Will give it my best every morning
Then as the weather warms I can take it into water
I tend to feel better when march hits
Yeah seasonal depression another one
I want do much to grab this mental burden and just bury it
This to o will take time
And pray it too shall pass
I will have walked away from my family for the first time
So there again
Never say never
To a better way of handeling this burden
Much of it did not have to happen
Or did it
I shall do my very best
Me