Thanks to both of you, especially Dr Smith.

My Dr has written me off because of the phone calls that I made after he took me from 30mg Oxycontin ER twice a day and 15mg oxycodone three times a day, down to 10mg Oxyontin. Because I told the med assistant who called all my complaints about him...ie, he says one thing in the room and then when the nurse comes back in it's different. And because I was freaking out on the phone because my every nerve in my body was on fire, I wasn't sane sounding. I was just begging for him to see me again. Then the nurse said "well if he gives you another appt we will make sure someone is in there so there is no 'he said, she said'". Oh and I also told her how he asked me to fill out the survey they send to me after each visit. His main job seems to be to funnel people to Cleveland Clinic, which is what he tried to do. Another bone of contention I complained about him to the med asst is he tells me its a 2 week out patient program so I'd have to get a hotel, which I can't afford, along with the actual portion that medicare doesn't pay. Then the nurse walks in and tells me it's 3 and a half weeks long.

So in essense, I was inadvertantly calling him a liar or really just someone who doesn't know what he's talking about.

So he then said I needed to go to detox? *admin edit* I can barely get out of bed?

Bottomline is this Dr who I am not naming here but I think if I decide not to kill myself, I will make a website telling everything about him as I can build websites. I will try my best to make his life hell as he has made mine...of course I won't cause physical pain, hopefully just people who look him up online will not want him as a Dr.

*admin edit* I am so sick of being in a wheelchair and dealing with the day to day stuff I have to do just to live. I am a weight around my families neck and beyond the pain I am miserable. *admin edit*

I have a friend, very close friend who is also in a wheelchair. In fact we got hurt at the same time and both broke our backs. We shared a room in physical rehab when we where 17yrs old, it was an amazing coincindense and I wouldn't have made it thru the whole exp without him. He has the same general issues as me, yet he went to medical school and is a Dr with a wife and 3 kids. He was a tremendous athlete at the time he got hurt just as I was a mediocre one, but both of us would have played college ball. But this guy just was never phased by the limitations. And trust me I have friends in wc's and they have full lives some way worse than I, physically. But I personally just wasn't cut out for this life. I've trodged thru life from hobby to hobby. Adaptive skiing to wc basketball, to getting married to an angel and then destroying that. I was "born again" and really felt it. I've tried everything that I can that this life has to offer. I've tried to take my mind off the things I can't do and focus on the things I can. I've tried to realize how lucky I am, which I am. I have had great jobs and some great friends. Been with beautiful women, the whole nine. I've been successful at most things I've tried...not necessarily monetarily but the things that take my mind off this daily prison on wheels I live in. I have even met some of my idols in life. (subsequently, one of my idols who I met...a singer...drank himself to death.) Quite honestly, I am ready to be done with this life. It has nothing more for me. I know one of the side effects of getting off narcotics is depression. But I was depressed before that. And I know that's a side effect of being on them too.

If I had a nickel for every person, especially when I was younger, who would come up to me and say, "wow....it so amazing watching you put your wheelchair in the car...it takes like 10 seconds...amazing. Then we chat and they tell me "you deserve so much credit for just going on and doing so well." Used to get that all the time when I'd ski moguls in a mono ski to shoot 3 pointers on a basketball court to just grocery shopping...and they'd finish by saying "if that happened to me, I'd probably kill myself...I wouldn't be able to take it". Well you know...I used to think that before my accident too when I saw others in wc's and it turns out I was right. I have been able to distract myself from the daily grind that someone in a wc goes thru for over 25 years and I can't do it anymore. And sadly, and selfishly...I would rather die and now and leave my life ins policy and yes it covers suicide after 2 years of having it...to my loved ones. If there is a hell....I'll go. If there's nothing, then great. If there's a God who understands...even better.

You know the old saying "it's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all." I couldn't disagree more. I have friends who were born unable to walk and do the other million things that I can't do anymore. And one day I was talking to one of them and I said "I feel so bad that you never got to run etc etc etc etc." And his reply to me...."that's funny because I feel sorry for you. You know what it was like to do those things but now you can't. This is all I've ever known, so I don't know what I am missing." HE WAS SO RIGHT. Oh and he is happy as hell in life.

Sorry to ramble...and please don't waste your time trying to tell me why I shouldn't and all the other stuff I myself would say to someone who I read a post like this from. I know all those answers. I'm just tired of living this life I never wanted.

Anyway, I don't even know why I bothered to write all this here, probably because I have nowhere else to say it. Again, thanks for the info, it was helpful.

I won't be coming back to the forum, unless I win the lottery, in the next week. If I win, I'd probably stick around until I ran out of things to distract myself with again.

Peace

PS. And if you want to warn your kids, or you yourself are young...tell them to BE *admin edit* CAREFUL. All these kids doing stunts and all the stuff they do in the Jackass movies (which I love to watch btw) It is just SO NOT WORTH doing anything that you could break your back or neck. I'm not saying live in a bubble. I'm just saying don't take silly risks that one false move and you lose almost everything....and sometimes almost everything....is everything.