Almost four years ago, after one horrendous ten-day long episode of my very dysfunctional family "dynamics," I just lost it. Yes, I know that it was my "fault," but when you're abused for years on end (by an older child who is violent, although lives on her own), and no one--not one person--would listen to my pain, yes, I did it. I cut my wrist.

I realized before I cut too deeply that I did not want to die, so I stopped it (the cutting, I'd cut my ankles too), and started to clean up the bloody mess.

At the time, my sixteen year old son found this, he called 911, in pure anger, and I was taken to an ER (where I was treated with more anger). Then I was sent to a hospital for three days.

The psychiatrist there spoke with me the next day, and told me that basically, I needed to practice tough love on my oldest child. Before I was discharged, this same doctor told me that he wanted to apologize for my being locked up with very mentally ill people, because in his opinion, I should have been taken to a crisis center.

For all of this, I was billed $6K. It's still on my credit report. I can't pay it.

That son of mine, despite his warm attachment to me in the year preceding this incident, has never come around again. He was away at a boarding school at the time, and he finished out his years there with no words to me other than hateful, cold emails telling me how selfish I am, and that if he is ashamed of me.

The night that this happened, I'd been losing my mind (I guess literally) for about ten days with all this dysfunctional family nonsense. My oldest child once again became violent with me, and she was the final straw. She also called me t he worst names in the ENglish language (you know which one) over and over again, in my home, at the top of her lungs, while my son (and her husband) did nothing. After that incident, my mind really went POP. I now know that was caused by PTSD (this daughter had beaten me up several times before this, the first time when she was sisteen years old herself).While I was trying to cope with the latest incident of violence that afternoon, I said to my son something about her using that word, and to my everlasting horror, my son told me that I had deserved it. That's a dysfunctional family for you.

Well.... flash forward now, almost four years. The daughter who had been so violent sent me a series of pity-me emails earlier this year. Please keep in mind that she also walked into domestic court, swore to tell the truth,and then lied about me. And I'm not talking about petty lies. I'm talking about outrageous lies, what a terrible childhood she had, how I'd abused her and my other two children for years on end, etc. It was shocking. I lost custody of my youngest child over that. So three years later, here she comes, broke and needy, asking me for pity. I almost fell for it. I almost, almost, almost gave in and sent her some money. (Always the same thing with her, she wants money, and she's very manipulative about it.) I came to my senses and told her that I'd pay a bill, put gas in her car or buy her groceris, but that I would not give her money. That was the end of her "Oh, mom, I love you and need you so much and Im so sorry .... " emails. Then she turned to my sister, another dysfuntional person, for her pity parties. From what I understand, they're still having one big pity aprty, and I'm still being trashed.

What I don't understand is my son.He and I did not have the violence in our relationship that I had with his sister. (They have different fathers; I was married, foolishly, at a very young age, and that's how this daughter was born.) My daugther helped my son pen a scathing and untrue affidavit about me to be read aloud in domestic court--same stuff his sister said,what a horrible mother I am, etc, and nothing about the good things I'd done as a mother.

I've never been a perfect mother, but under some very trying circumstances, I did some very, very good things for my son. His father up and left him and my youngest, out of the blue, to go live with a woman far away, and I aws there for my son. We were close. My son is not a liar, either, so seeing that affidavit was shattering to me.

He also sent me two very nasty, cold emails, telling me that he's ashamed of me, that I have no place in his life and never will, etc, etc, etc. But it's been FOUR years now. My life is completely different, though he wouldn't know, since he's cut me out of his life.

I don't understand the hatred that I have been treated with. I have accepted that I have lost my son forever, and that does hurt. Most days, I don't think too much about him anymore. I've seen a therapist, and she told me that's normal--why would I,w hen there is no reciprocity? There are times when I feel angry with him, as though I'd like to hurt him (but I don't--I never act on those impulses, just recognize them for what they are: the result of a lot of pain on my part).

I don't understand why people react with hatred toward someone who was very obviously being abused, finally making a suicide attempt.

The moment I walked in my front door after being released from that hospital, I sent my son (and even the older, abusive daughter) apologies, taking full resonsibility for what I had done. In the case of the daughter, it was hard to do that, because she had hurt me so much, emotionally, financially and physically, and it had been going on for years. In the case of my son, it was truly heartfelt. I took responsibility and told him I'd give him as much space as he wanted. I told him I loved him, etc. IT was good letter. And I kind of give myself some credit for doing that at a time when I'd just been terribly traumatized myself; I knew it had to be done, so I made it priority.

Still, almost four years later--nothing. I've sent him gifts, things I know he likes/wants (including gift cards to his favorite stores, etc). Other than that, I've given him what he demanded, which is to disappear from his life. I missed his high school years, his graduation, and now he is in college. I've missed a lot wtih him.

I can't understand his anger. Yes, at first, I would guess that's a common reaction, but how long is normal? I wonder sometimes if he himself is ashamed of how he treated me, including the affidavits he wrote that were full of lies. He's just not the lying type, never was.


I've also been treated terribly by my own "family of origin." I made the mistake of confiding in my sister, but eventually she betrayed my confidence, and she told my mother (whom I'd already told) and two brothers, who have ridiculed me. That just sent me soaring about two weeks ago, to be ridiculted like that. Why are those who attempt to take their own lives treated with anger, hostility, and ridicule?

My ex, when he feels angry with me (because I won't be his girlfriend or indulge him sexually) tells me ugly things via text message like, "You're sick. Go get help." I DID go get help, per the court order. I'm sick of being emotionally abused by him. Anyone who ridicules someone who did what I did.... I don't know,I think they are cruel.

Can someone help me figure this out? I'm really hurting over this right now. Mostly, I don't understand my son's behavior. It's been almost four years. I gave up hoping that he'd ever come around, but i have days, like today, taht it really hurts me.

Anyone?

Thanks for listening.