Having nothing better to do today, I decided to go look at some of the old emails between my son and myself.

BEFORE the suicide attempt, they were mostly very lighthearted, a and lot of them had to do with his school work (he was away at school and I was helping him via email). There was lots of "thanks mom, you're the best, love ya" and plenty of inside jokes.

After, there was the apology from me to him (no reply), an email I sent him about his bank account (what do with it--it was in my name and he was not responding, so I asked him what to do with the money that was in it? no reply). And then the two very nasty, cold emails telling me how ashamed he is of me, and that if I ever contact him again, I would no chance of ever having a relationship with him. His words: "And I mean never."

I didn't contact him after that. Almost four years now.

Does anyone have any insight into this? I'd be so grateful for some thoughts.

I know I hurt him and scared him. But it's been a long,long time, and he struck back at me badly, lying in a signed affidavit writing things about me that were outrageous and simply not true. I gave him what he demanded, which was not contacting him. Yes, I did send him some gifts two years ago for his birthday, but I did not include any letters, just things I knew he would like. And I sent him gift cards and more gifts this past spring. No response.

I guess I need to just give up. I don't understand why most days I'm okay about this, knowing that I have to be, and then on other days, like today, it tears me up. It would be so much easier not to feel anything about him.

I did hear from his father that my son had made some odd comments to his girlfriend ,enough that the girl's father told my ex (angrily) something like "Your son has problems with his mother." But I was not privvy to the conversation and no one has said a word to me.

I also tried, my god I tried, to keep in touch with the school psychologist when he was still in high school. She blew me off, very coldly, and let me know that any communication from me was most unwelcome.

I've done everything I can, which is mostly nothing, per his angry, vindictive words.

Why would he still be so angry. And I'll add that I don't understand the anger in the first place. Maybe initially, but in the days, weeks afterward? To actively seek to hurt someone who had made a suicide attempt? I don't get it. He was not, to my knowledge, a nasty person. He was kind and good hearted and generous. I'm so puzzled.