Your employer and “Acme Insurance” have worked together to develop this package of benefits to meet your needs. These benefits are an important part of the financial security provided by your employer.

Exclusions

This policy does not cover losses or expenses related in whole or in part, directly or indirectly, to any of the following:

Committing or attempting to commit an illegal or criminal act;
(I won’t be able to work for Big Pharma.)

Suicide, or self-inflicted injury, whether or not you are sane.
(Okay, so insane suicides are the same as sane suicides. I am glad they cleared that up.)

War, invasion, declared or undeclared hostilities, Civil War, rebellion, or revolution.
(Do they know something that we don't know?)

Terrorism or any activity or decision of any government agency to prevent, respond to or terminate terrorism.
(Any activity? Of any government agency? I'm scared.)

Participation in any sport as a professional or national athlete.
(No danger of that happening to me. Unless they start up the Movement Disorder Olympics).

Participation in any motorized or mechanically assisted racing or speed contests, defined as an organized activity of competitive nature in which speed is a determining factor in the outcome of the event.
(That's an excellent definition of racing. Well said!)

Medication, drugs, alcohol or toxic substance abuse or overdose, whether or not you are sane.
(They keep coming back to the sanity clause. You know, he wears a red suit and comes down the chimney at Christmas. Even little kids these days know that there really is no such thing as sanity clause.)

If the date of your total disability begins within 12 months of the effective date of commencement of this insurance policy, and your disability is a pre-existing condition for which you received medical care or prescribed drugs before this insurance policy came into effect.
(By which they mean, Parkinson's Disease, among others.)

(Yes, I understand that insurance companies must calculate risk, and they do not, for example, sell life insurance to murderers on death row, unless the bookies are betting the Governor will issue a pardon just before they pull the switch. But just say on the front page of the booklet, that criminals, terrorists, drunks, race car drivers, the suicidal, and the Parkies, need not apply. Don’t make us read 65 pages of legal jargon just to find out it applies to the financial security only of employees wise enough to avoid wars, professional sports, and Parkinson’s.)