The people who "denied" my illness were my parents and my son. My husband was always immensely supportive over our 40 year marriage. But my husband died 4 l/2 years ago, so i am alone. I reach out to church people, even though their support is not as complete as my husband's. At least I have people I can talk to, who have problems too. A lot of people in our church are sick one way or another.

I find life is, in general, one big tear drop, with a few minutes here and there where the tears dry up. And I have to face that's what it is. Counseling is good but there will always be tears remaining, nearly every day.

This runs so contrary to the "smile and the world smiles with you" advice I grew up with, the "grin and bear it" advice, and especially the advice that we can always achieve happiness if we just take the right attitude. There may be a place deep inside us where happiness CAN be achieved in spite of the odds, but it is not easily found nor easily maintained. I have learned how to be calm and hopeful, but not how to be happy with the circumstances in which we (not just I, but the big WE) find ourselves.