I'm blessed with a wonderful husband and son. Our son is in the Navy and I probably won't see him for another two years. I miss him terribly.

I used to have a lot of friends, but only a few good friends have remained. I've been disabled and homebound for quite a few years now. I can't do the things I used to do with them. I don't want to bother them with phone calls because I know they are busy. I rarely have any news anyway - not much happens when you spend most of your time alone in a chair. The only news I usually have is bad, so I spare them.

My good friends still call and come over once in a while, but the relationship has changed. I sometimes feel like a charity case, or just another stranger on their list of sick people to visit.

It doesn't help when I push myself to do things either. I attended a horse show a while back with a friend of mine who has taken up an interest in riding. I used to ride and show horses when I was younger, and she used to watch me compete.

It was a bittersweet moment for me because it was the same stable where I used to work. So many fond memories. I started crying as I walked toward the barn in my frail legs, knowing I'll never be able to ride again. I tried to be happy for the riders, but I started crying again when my friend told me I used to look beautiful when competing. Now I'm just a "freak" with a distorted face for strangers to gawk at and laugh.

I wonder sometimes if it would be better if I didn't have any friends at all. I wonder sometimes if I should forget about the world outside.