Bram you make me want to get stationed in England again lol. Dang I miss the fudge shop in Cambridge. I had just turned 25 2 months before this started. Who would have thought running and working out would lead me here. Oh I did the anger thing. Boy did I do it, but I tried my hardest not to take it out on people. Now its a slow cooking determination to get my life off the broken track and onto one not so broken. I worked my butt off while I was in the military. Then to be turned away from so many Drs and just because I wanted to get some relief and help really sent me over the edge so to speak. Thats when I discovered target practice. I may not be very good but it does relieve some of the frustrations and anger. I wasn't even believed at work when I told them I needed to sit down because I hurt. I can't sustain that level of anger anymore. Thats why I say I am frustrated at the system. Stupid druggies have made it harder for us and everyone like us to get the treatments we need. Insurance has made it harder to getmthe treatments we need too. This site has given me so much info and so many reasons to keep fighting to get the care I need. I may not be able to make myself understood to all but even to just a few is awesome. Heck im just a country gal and some of my long standing friends don't understand what I say sometimes and they know me lol. Now its not so difficult to talk to the Drs and talk to my husband and family. Its still hard not to keep it bottled up when he has had a really stressful week at work, but I try my hardest not to take out what I'm feeling on him. He doesn't know how much or little I hurt. We are married not sharing a brain. I would love to get back to work with a vet clinic but I can't stand long enough to clean a kennel or stall, or help with the surgeries or triages anymore. But I have my brats here at the house and when and if I get to move then I will have my mountains. The beautiful peaceful mountains lol. Zoo please don't get me started on winter comin. Its almost fall here and already I'm freezin lol. I can go from boilin to freezin in a couple minutes. But after little Clay is born then I can hopefully start treatments again. Then I might not be wakin up at 2 in the mornin lol. Vrae I know its been hard on you, what with the weather havin this beast ride you everyway from Sunday but remember we are here. I am gonna use an analogy and hope others will understand it.
The emotions and pain we feel is like trying to ride 2 wild horses at the same time. One kicks us off and the other tramples us. Its how we let it happen that matters. We can get angry but no human can sustain anger for too long. It wears us out physically and mentally, or we can get back up on them and turn them to our will. Thats the point I'm at. I am determined to not let this break me. Yes we get bumped and bruised mentally and physically every day. We don't know if its gonna buck us off and trample us. We don't know if it will be a good day or a bad one, but we get back on. We ride those horses and we feel prouder of ourselves for doing it. Like I said I'm a country girl. I grew up east of Dallas, Tx and summers in Louisiana with my grandparents lol. I couldn't think of a better analogy of what we deal with. Well I need my coffee. My besetting sin. I don't drink or do drugs for the fun of it. I just have my morning coffee. I will talk at yall later. I have a couple questions about treatments for after Clay is born. I don't know if he will be breastfed like his brother because a lot of the meds people take go into the breastmilk, but I still need some ideas about treatments I could start that might make things a little easier on all of us.