Thank you so much, Bryanna. I know I sound like a crazy person, but it's been a VERY long road and I'm just feeling so much pressure (from myself of course) to get this right. I took your suggestion about the pros/cons list and also had a conversation with a friend (in which I heard myself leaning one way) and I think(!) I made a decision to go with dr. new (as you called, and I shall now call him).
It comes down to this: Dr. Old didn't make real eye contact with me during the consult. He stood in back of me (ostensibly to look at xrays) or to my side (while we were talking) and even during the very cursory exam (maybe 30 seconds?) was standing up. He never sat down. I paid quite a bit of money for this consult, so I would expect to be able to get at least 15 minutes of his unhurried time. (dr new spent much more time with me and also a couple of questions by phone on two subsequent occasions.)
Moreover, I felt dr. old rushed me through my questions and was sort of arrogant or dismissive about some of my concerns about antibiotics (I've had major stomach issues in the past) and painkillers (which I don't tolerate well). He also seemed to just take for granted that I would be booking this surgery with him, even though he never gave me an estimate until this morning; he came out to reception while I was paying to give me RX's for the drugs I would need for the immediate post-op, which, while very thorough, seemed strange to me since I told him I was still considering someone else and would wait for his estimate to make an appointment.
As I think I said above somewhere, when his estimate arrived this morning by email, it was more than 30% more than dr. new. Neither of them are exactly cheap, so the extra 30% (almost 35%) is a LOT of money. If I get back the money for the second RCT (which is still a big if), it will not cover even dr new's extraction/bone graft, but it will be less than half of dr old's.. And that's not even taking into account their different estimates for the implants.
Lastly, dr new was just more positive about the procedure in general, foresaw no major issues (though he pointed out that my nerve is very close to the root of the molar) ans seemed to think recovery would be fairly quick. Dr. old, on the other hand, said to expect at least three days of substantial discomfort, and the need for high dosages of painkillers (which, even without the surgery would make me uncomfortable, as I don't deal well with painkillers). I realize that this also may just be a personal style issue, but I was twice as scared leaving his office about the whole thing.
I guess what had/has me most worried was that dr old was too prepared for everything that could go wrong, and dr new was maybe not detailed enough or too casual? dr new didn't really seem to think implants would be a problem, whereas dr old thought there was maybe only 60% chance I would be able to get them. In sum, I guess, Dr. old scared me about the entire procedure and also was sort of dismissive about whatever personal concerns I raised.
I know I sound like Goldilocks: this one was is too old, and this one is too young.
I made an appointment for Tues morning with dr new, as I just didn't get a good feeling from dr old. But I made it for Tues specifically in case I had some sort of epiphany over the weekend, and wanted to change my mind on Monday.
Bryanna, you've been a godsend. Really don't know how I would get through all this without you. Does all this rambling rationalization sound reasonable to you? Or does it sound like superficial way to choose a surgeon? I'm still trying to breathe, but I'm so stressed. I remember going into my first root canal last December trying to booster myself by saying "how bad can it be?/people do this every day" but unfortunately, now i KNOW how bad it can be, and I think that fear is somehow paralyzing.