Yes I completely understand.... I'm kind of half way along the process. I've always hated taking medicines of any kind, although I've never seen it as weakness in others if they do - for me weakness has always meant those who moan and kick up a stink to get out of life when they have no real reason, rather than those who struggle on against horrible odds. I've always been sympathetic to illness, if someone told me (or I was told) they had a condition, I would go and look it up and find out a bit about it. I think that's the scientist in me

However (BIG however lol) although I'm not taking any major pain meds at the moment - only because the ones I have do diddly-squat - I completely would take them if I could balance the pain relief they have with keeping my mind for my job. And if the pain really ramped up again I would take anything that even dented it slightly... My normal 'oh no not for me' attitude of my younger self has been replaced with the desperation of CRPS pain that cries out for anything that will take it away...

Just the other day I saw my pain doc and she made the mistake of commenting on how well I was coping. Well that was the end of the brave strong Bram veneer of normality I was determined to keep up! I broke down and just said it was all a lie. I seem to be ok because that's what I feel I have to do to get through the days, and get through all those situations with other folk - the stuff where you can't keep bringing up your pain, or you can't face explaining it to someone new who will just look as blank and unconvinced as everyone else was initially... Sometimes I convince myself for a while She was fairly shocked I think, and so apologetic when she had to admit there wasn't anything else she could give me except opiates - and I am so scared of going down that route.... I asked about experimental research, existing stuff like IVig etc, and asked her to give my details to anyone who might be able to think of something to try. Oh the desperate fox came out of her lair that day

We each do what we have to. I too am experiencing the skyrocketing pain (good analogy) with the change of season - I told my pain doc that the previous two months of summer had been like a little window on what life used to be like before this thing got me. I could almost see myself again. Now having that window slammed shut in my face and having to face up to the pain and mobility issues of before is panicking me if I'm honest. I said to her that I was more scared of this coming winter's pain because my left arm is now in the mix, and if I do have to go back into my wheelchair, that arm isn't going to be able to cope well with pushing myself, and I need that independence.

Oh dear. Woe me! Alas, alack! Poor Bram. Sorry, didn't mean to go on like this lol. There we are, all done. Deep breath, square shoulders, plaster on the smile. Oh how I hate this charade.

Sometimes I sit here and it is only the knowledge of all of you out there in the beyond that gets me through the next hour of pain. It's like a little blinking neon sign in the fog, saying 'it's ok, you're not alone, we actually do understand, we're with you, you can do it' If I didn't have you guys I think I'd have lost the plot completely.

Thanks and have a decent day with minimal pain and lots of smiles.

Bram.