Thanks to all who took the time to share!

AZ-di Part of my fear is the addiction even though I realize that when there is a true need for the medication it isn't as likely. I've just seen too many people go down that path.. and that scares the crap out of me.

Bram Maybe I should have clarified "weakness" it wasn't about chronic illness more about broken bones, lacerations etc., I've always had compassion and never judged anyone who took things for major disease or illness.. it is just that my (our) illness isn't seen.. unless I'm not wearing clothing, then the symptoms are easy to see but I'd better keep my clothes on I think some of my feelings come from hearing people say.. "Oh I have nerve pain" "the zapps and numbness" even if they don't say it, it is easy to see that they think I am being a wimp and should just buck up because "we all have nerve pain". Honestly every time I see a commercial for Shingles.. I want to scream and say how about CRPS/RSD... I've had Shingles after battling cancer and YES it is excruciatingly painful but CRPS is way, way worse but, I don't see commercials about it.. I was talking to my husbands Aunt the other day and MMJ got brought up. I casually mentioned I was considering trying it out and she immediately said "no no MMJ should only be used for cancer patients" .. it wasn't even worth trying to explain that the pain we fight daily is even worse than cancer.

It is so hard to keep a "game" face on. When pain is soaring the effort it takes to keep composure so that others aren't put off, or affected by my nightmare can completely wipe out my coping skills for the rest of the day. The other day I had to stop in at the grocery store.. was hoping to grab our essentials and get out of there. Ugh.. small town inevitably you are going to run into someone. I did, and she.... hugged me.....and then stood right next to me leaning against me engaging in conversation with another friend... almost huddling... it took everything I had to keep my composure because I didn't want her to know she was hurting me.. I didn't want to explain what was going on with me nor did I want her to feel bad for her innocent actions. I know you all get this.. just one of those days. By the time I got out of there I was even more miserable and now I had a 45 min drive home... ugh all I wanted to do was pull over and cry! 2 years ago I was running marathons, climbing mountains surrounded by glaciers, flying off of snow covered cliffs with adrenaline pumping and being driven by the excitement of fear. Now I cry just because someone hugged me and innocently brushed up against my legs. These are the times my anger of the situation flares.. I pull out but, it happens and honestly still quite often.

The medications don't take the pain away but they do help me cope with it better, they also help me get a little more sleep. They do cloud my brain and compromise my ability to react but because of my TBI I fight those things even without meds. Ultimately their use became a necessary evil for me to function.. it is the fear of tolerance and increase in the dosing that terrifies me. At the rate the pain is skyrocketing, and the reduction in effectiveness I can't see how this will play out. I've got to keep trying to find better ways to cope!!!

It's funny (not really) how people will see you and say "you are coping really well" or "you look so good" when if they could just feel for 10 seconds how I feel they would realize what they think is so far from the truth.

haha Bram you made me chuckle a little.. square up the shoulders, plaster on the smile.. awesome!

Yes, if it weren't for this great group of people who understand and listen when we just need to share- I would already have my own straight jacket!!

Thank you all!!

fbodgrl I hope your family eventually understands. My battle is internal as only my husband and my best friend (and doctors) know that I am on continuous meds. I just don't want to go down that road of explaining and unintentional judgement. I admire your strength!

Allanira lol.. I've been trying to figure out how to elevate my pelvis.. haha.. just picture me upside down all day For me pain meds wouldn't work on their own, it is the combination of other things that make them even a little effective for some of the symptoms. My pitfall was that after the initial nerve injury that caused the CRPS (but before it was diagnosed as my ortho didn't have the knowledge) I underwent a second operation where more damage was done and the CRPS spread 10 fold. My nerves have been severed surgically but because of the CRPS I still feel them.. they say I'm battling CRPS and phantom pain. So just an FYI to anyone dealing with this.. DON'T ever have surgery in the area of the CRPS unless your life depends on it!! Surgery in the CRPS area is dangerous and has devastating effects for someone who already has CRPS. I hope that once your baby is born and you finish breastfeeding (if that is what you plan to do) that you will have a great team of doctors who can provide you with a full tool box of things to help alleviate some of your pain so that you can enjoy every second with you children.

Thanks again for all your input and for making me feel less ashamed/guilty. I very much appreciate it.

Now if I could just get rid of this head cold...

Have the best day possible,
Tessa