So I had my shoulder injections today. I get them every 3 months. I'm blessed by the lord if I ever get relief from them. One time I was pain free for 7 weeks! The best 7 weeks of the last decade. But they usually don't work. Something was different today. I can see every single needle mark bc there are about 20 tiny bruises on my back and they are sore. I went and tried to swim but it wasn't much use today.

The vent: my mother gets home, I just got dinner in the oven, and I told her my back was sore so I was going to lay on my heating pad til dinner was ready. She says to me "well u got your shots so u shouldn't need to lay on your heating pad. U are just lazy." Grrrrrr....

I get sofa king angry when people try and tell me how I feel. That's why I love this group. Everyone gets it. I immediately got defensive but didn't snap. I don't know why she thinks I chose THIS life. A decade of incurable chronic pain, being 30 and living on a heating pad in my parents basement, no job because OBVIOUSLY! Yeah, this is exactly what I wanted my life to be like. I WANT a job and to get the heck out of here. But how can I even keep a simple desk job? Id get fired after a week.

What's worse is that I'm completely terrified to leave. There is no worse feeling in the world when its 2am, in the ER balling because the pain is so bad and all u want is to be somewhat comfortable and no one will help you. Its that feeling of being completely helpless that is so terrifying. What if I were back in dallas with my 2yr old and that happens? No one to call, no one to help, just a little boy kissing my shoulder asking if mommy is ok. Sucks. I'm sick of the pain. I'm sick of having zero balance in the bank. I'm sick of being a slave to the pain and a hermit that never leaves the basement. Life is too short to live like this. But I will keep doing research. Keep trying new things that could help. Keep praying.