Hey everyone figured I'd update on my recovery process again

First, I've started therapy to try and help with the anxiety and depression, I've only had one meeting and it was all background info stuff, I go back Wednesday and kind of excited as I find talking helps a lot for me and I can tell my mom is getting somewhat tired of listening to me and I've never been comfortable talking to my dad and my brother has been a jerk this whole process

Secondly I have my neurology appointment Tuesday and kind of nervous for the fact I have a bunch on to do during the appointment and don't know if it'll be all day or if they will break it up in several days

I've also seemed to switch moods in depression, as I was your stereotypical depressed person, the sad not wanting to do anything person, now it seems I've switched to a more aggressive and angry out burst type of attitude, for example at dinner my 8 year old niece said "look nana I ate all my fries" and I about responded "you're ******* 8 you don't need to be congratulated on eating your food"

It doesn't end there I've got a really bad habit of just telling people to "shut the **** up" I've never really ever talked back to my parents but it seems like I'm doing that more too, I've also been quick to criticize and point out flaws but when I get called out it seems I either respond angrily or breakdown

I feel terrible for doing these things and saying these things and thinking some too but I just don't know exactly what I can do besides pull myself from the situation

My memory seems to be getting a little better with time, I'm somewhat able to remember a chore told to me by my mom when it's not written down

The intrusive thoughts aren't there as much and don't take up nearly as much of the day as they used to, the randomness of my thoughts and flight if ideas seems to be settling down too

I'm having issues adjusting to this lifestyle right now, as it's frustrating to me as before this I was never at home, always in the move doing stuff and with friends now I'm at home "resting" and accepting the fact even when I do get better I'm still gonna have to give up certain things in life like contact sports and I probably won't be able to go to parties with my friends not that those are the most important things it's just I've always had a head strong personality and it frustrates me I'm not gonna have you "average" 19 year old life

My fatigue only seems to appear on mental tasks for example reading, tires me but if you ask me to mow 3 yards it won't tire me at all

I do have trouble staying focused as you can probably tell from this post lol but even that is getting better

Sometimes I'll zone out through the day and I'll lose all thought and kind pose all awareness of my surroundings it last probably about a minute and I've noticed that I get this weird feeling in my stomach before it happens and I'm generally tired afterwards I don't know if it means much or it's just my brain trying to tell me to relax and it's tired

Thanks to all who read and respond, it's been a tough fight for me thus far but I think I'm starting to finally break through some

And I'll update after my neurology appointment and tell what my neurologist has told me