Getting this disease was horrifying for me for a lot of reasons. My mother was a post op RN? "get up, you're not hurt" was spat out at me from the time I was a very young child. A lot of other issues develop when you are being raised by that mentality. We were all, always supposed to not complain, not whine and pretty much, lie, and say we are OK, even when we were not. You did that or you paid for it later, when you were alone. My father had substance abuse problems when we were in our teens and I was the only one of 5, who fought for and with him. He was a very good person and though I say it jokingly some times, I truly believe that his social drinking became a lot of other self abusive behaviors because of my mother. Supposedly, there is a predisposition to addictive behavior and I was terrified when I felt and was diagnosed with RSD. I was also married to an alcoholic nd drug addict for 10 years, when I was young and made stupid decisions. Through these 10 years of my RSD, My mother has done her sick duty of relishing my diseases and pain, and she has also done her best to affect what my siblings know and think of my being on narcotics, disability, etc. Everything that is so difficult to swallow when it is happening to you, was made immensely worse by my still actively abusive mother, well into her 70s.

About 2 years into the RSD, when I moved to another state to get out of the cold of Michigan, it took my new anesthesiologist several months to convince me to take the extended release oxycodone. I understood what addiction was but didn't really have a grasp on the fact that a dependency did not have to be a addiction. It is still humiliating and embarrassing to have so very many things wrong with me, but accepting to take and fill that Rx was the best thing I did in the last 10 years. Fortunately, I have not had any issues at all with feeling the need for more narcotics. I have been able in the last 10 months now, reduce my narcotics by 1/3. I'd LOVE to not be taking any of this Rx Crap, but after trying to get rid of my Lyrica a few months ago and having that blow up in my face, I know in order to get through the day that I have to suck it up and give in to pharma! at least for now.

I'd rather be able to tolerate holding my niece's hand than not be able to stand having her touch me. If people in my family think I am not safe and wouldn't allow me to drive with my nieces and nephews in the car, so be it. They are not my children. I have not swam a lap in 10 years, although almost all of my life I have swam sometimes 2-3 times a day, 20-60 minutes, every opportunity I got. I resent that. I resent that I can no longer get on my bike and ride, I resent that I can no longer lift weights and work out in a gym. I have gained a miserable amount of weight that others find offensive and eating as cleanly as is humanly possible will not shed these pounds. More than being in pain and having to take the pain, I resent the other things that RSD has stolen from my life.

I had finally gotten to a place of joy, where I found and married a wonderful man, who didn't mind that I truly hated my mother, and that where I was with that was not negotiable. A man who when I told him I didn't want or didn't want to do something, loved or relished something, he allowed me to be me and own those feeling and decisions. We were financially sound and we were healthy and I love my work. We had just come to the decision that although we could not have our own children, we could at least love children who did not have love in their lives and were exploring adoption and fostering, those were still two things we were looking I to and looking forward to. Life was good, David will tell you, those first 4 years of marriage (his first) were great. And then I went to the restroom one day at work and slipped in a pool of water on the floor... Had I gone earlier or later and not used the stall where the leak was, who knows where and what I would be. I am sure everyone here feels the same way...everyone here has lost so many of the same things... And life for all of us probably turned on a dime and now we are left to deal with it... To make the most of it... To fight and survive. I used to be a fighter, what ever the hurdle was, I would fight to overcome or out live it. The horrible boss would move on and I would take the department to some place great, far exceeding the evil boss's sales figures and respect and care for the employees who worked there, hypothyroidism... I would always eat right, no exception and I would exercise and exercise was meditation and made me physically and emotionally strong... My mother still though I was over 40, would attempt outlandish things to try to hurt me emotionally, if she couldn't reach me physically... I worked very hard to detach from her and to understand her illness so that I was not her victim any longer. My father had substance abuse issues... I would make sure to keep my body and mind strong and not allow chemicals to destroy the things that were important to me in my life. These are the things that RSD has tried very hard to take away from me, and it's doing a great job of beating me down most days, but I'm not giving in, I am fighting and I hope with all my heart that I can out live this one more menace in my life. I hope with all my heart that David will get to say that though there were a lot of tough years that the first 4 and the last 4 were great and with lots of luck, we will get more than 4 more great years. He certainly deserves it.