Not sure whether to laugh or cry today ...

Hope you are all feeling ok and having a good day x

Bram.

This Blinkin Leg

Some days this leg of mine freezes
Like a polar wind has found its way into my bones
And set everything solid.
Dull blue, strange shades of purple bruise
And patchy weirdness.
Surely this is some other creature's leg?
Oh it hurts.

Deep breath. And another. Steady now.
Suck in any warmth from the air,
It might just thaw the glacier and let my blood
Move again, thickly first, but flowing at last.
Oxygen for me, for those poor damaged cells.

Later the same day, while eating tea or chatting
Or anything else 'normal' (ha)
It will suddenly burn
Like a thousand suns
Or one of those old fashioned bar fires;
You know - the ones your grandma had in the lounge.

Suddenly red, fierce and flaming;
I could fry an egg on that love, he says
With a kind attempt at humour, and that smile.
I'd like to laugh, really I would,
But somehow it is taking all my effort
Just to not scream, or cry, or sob wildly.
My children are in the room you see.
Mustn't break down now.

Deep breath. And another. Drink the air in,
Wish it were raw alcohol that might numb me
From the inside out, and quench the fire.
Where is my arctic blast now?

Oh how I hate this. If I had a pain therapist here now
I might throw my book at him, or use my stick
To spill his tea in his lap. Fools.

Pain management? I might as well wish the stars
We're not hanging defiant in the velvet night,
Or that the clouds could disperse with a flick
Of my aching fingers. Laughter at last,
Bitter irony, angry and sad and honestly
Just ever so slightly hysterical.

CRPS. Can't Really Paint Seasides. I wish.
Oh wouldn't that be better. I could deal with that.
Maybe just paint flowers instead.
Pretty, quiet, gentle flowers, pastel shades
And upturned little faces, watching for the sun.

Brambledog c.2013