((((((Barbara)))))),



You remind me so much of me Create a whole story in my head. And then latch onto that "vision" that I see in front of me -- latch on with both hands. Too soon. Too fast. Too hard. Too tight.

I'm not trying to hurt you. I CARE about you -- a LOT

He's going through a major illness and a major treatment for that illness. I'll bet anything that he doesn't have the energy or the strength to deal with anything right now. If you've ever known anyone that's gone through chemo, it's a huge kick in the *** -- makes you real sick. The last thing you want is to talk with anyone or to be with anyone.

Barbara, if you're really going to be this guy's friend, you're going to have to like him -- warts and all -- right now. I don't think he, or anyone for that matter, that's going through chemo can moderate their behavior or learn new behavior while in the midst of all this stuff.

It takes someone real strong to be able to stand with someone and face down cancer. I could do it with patients that I had when I was a home health aide, but, I couldn't do it with my sister-in-law. I just could not watch another relative that I cared about die (even though she didn't die, I was afraid, big time, so I stayed away).

I've said it before, Barbara, he brings out really nice parts of your personality. I **KNOW** you're a caretaker. Just like me. That's what gets our hearts hurt so much.

If you end up having a friendship or later a relationship with Doug, this is gonna be totally different than what you've ever had with any other man in your life. You're gonna be ignored by him. You're gonna see him throw-up. You're gonna see him look sick(er) every day.

If you're gonna commit to this guy -- to be his friend -- while he's going through the chemo, you have to put your feelings away. I don't mean don't react to anything, I mean don't hit him over the head with them -- not now anyway.

Barbara, I know -- I **KNOW** -- that this guy came into your life at this time for you to work out things in your head -- things about your self and your life. Now would be a good time to keep a journal and write the real deep stuff down.

Can you make a 'date' to go out with someone and at the last minute have the date canceled and not take it personally??

Can you chance falling in love with this guy and he falling for you -- because of the circumstances -- only to find out later that "love" isn't there for either of you??

Are you strong enough to have him latch onto you for your "care-taking skills" and have that be ENOUGH?? He might only ever care about you as a friend -- can you live with that?? Could you stand it??

Honey, I know all about creating dreams in my head and trying to make people in my life fit those dreams. It doesn't work. It NEVER works. It gets us hurt a lot in the meantime.

You have to separate your CARE-TAKING from your LOVING and from your HEART. My husband was a total **** and I was divorced from him for almost 17 years, but, when he ended up in the hospice, I spent the entire last week of his life sitting in the hospice with his wife and his son (my stepson) and our son -- because they all needed me. I hurt like hell afterward but I was glad that I did it. I was able to put aside all the dislike for him and treat him the way that he deserved to be treated during his last days.

Barbara, I worry about your drinking. And I worry about you getting hurt again. If he dies, you're gonna hurt real bad no matter whether you stick by him now or not --- it's gonna hurt either way.

I'm not trying to lecture you or "Mother" you, I'm just trying to let you know that I can see something very familiar happening.

If you have a priest or a rabbi or a minister or a counselor, it might be a good idea to talk out some of this. It's not the same as reading words on a page. I know what my intention is when I write this -- I hope you're feeling what I'm trying to put into words.

I'm here for you. And I understand how hard you're working. And I understand how hard this is for you.

BIG HUGS (and love).

Barb

PS: Boiled egg custard is good for someone who's having trouble keeping food down. It sits easy on the stomach. It helps the medication slide down. And it's nutritious.