Thanks everyone. I appeciate all of your opinions and feel better that I'm not the only one with this fear, though I wish none of us had this to fear in the first place. I am afraid this will kill me directly or indirectly whether by attacking my heart, or going internal, or by all the meds I take.
And I also sometimes worry more about living with constant long term pain too. Sometimes I think death would be more merciful than living like that. And though I am a religious person, and God forgive me, but I sometimes think on my really bad pain days, that not living anymore would be more better than going on with this pain that may get to the point that even the meds won't work. Then what? If it weren't for the pain I would cause my family, I may think about it if it got really bad. But I couldn't do that to my son and husband. And I don't want to leave them. It's just that sometimes the pain is so horrible and relentless and the meds make me want to puke all the time, that I just want the pain to go away. I don't mean to offend anyone either, and don't plan on doing anything like that, I just needed to talk. It helps me more to talk to you guys than my own therapists sometimes. I told my therapist once that I thought this rsd was going to kill me someday and he said nothing. It seems to me that even my other drs try to avoid the topic, probably because they just don't know enough about it, but I can see it in their eyes that I'm in trouble. Anyway, sorry again to sound like a downer, I just needed to ask and am so grateful for all of your support and comments. I know you all understand better than any dr could because you're going through it too. Thanks again and hope you have as pain free as possible day today.