Oh AZ-Di,

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Pretty sure we have all felt like this at some point or many during our fight with this.

Men... I tell you they can be so mean without even knowing it. Oblivious to how undesirable we feel at times.. the body language, noises comments etc., only add to that. It isn't intentional.. they don't see us the way we see ourselves so they go on living, commenting and wanting the same things they did before CRPS (or other conditions) took root in our lives. It took me a long time to realize that though I want my husband to be sensitive I also don't want him to treat me any differently than he did before CRPS. In fact just this morning my husband was apologizing for hurting me during the night while he was trying to pull me in closer to him out of love and need. I replied.. I will suffer with the pain just don't ever stop pulling me in.. that would be more horrible in my opinion than the pain I will suffer, I need to know that he still needs and desires me and by doing what he does.. I know it!

My nerve injuries are located in my pubis and groin (the CRPS symptoms are in both legs and arms) so sex obviously has been a huge issue since even the slightest touch to my pubis area creates severe searing pain down my right leg. Early on.. I was so depressed my thoughts were similar to yours. I wanted to rid my husband of his burden physically, intimately and financially.. all I could see was the negative. But then one day we sat and talked about how I was feeling inside, how worthless I felt that instead of desire for him I was in fear of the pain, how my inability to work and think like I used to made me feel like a loser, how I was ashamed that I could no longer do things we have enjoyed for more than 15 years together.. ultimately I was plagued by fear of what this new life would be like and how I would find my purpose or worth in this new life and body wracked with pain. It was through that talk when I realized more than ever that there were so many things I bring to our relationship everyday even if I am broken. He shared with me his fears of touching me, we talked about intimacy in great detail and how even before all of this he looked forward to growing old with me (wrinkles, sags and all) .. I learned it didn't matter to him if our house was spotless and that he would rather me save my energy for our time together no matter how we spent that time. He is a big part of my therapy everyday.. I make sure he is a part of it whether that is sharing milestones of my therapy sessions (which also holds me accountable), doing desensitization or helping me do a chore I normally did on my own. Including him has made him feel important and helped him deal with the guilt he feels when he can't help me fight my pain. I learned he also needed a sense of "worth" in our new life. Intimacy is still a challenge pain wise but, we are learning ways to enjoy it even though it is painful.

Keeping up on appearance is way over-rated I've not been one to worry about makeup or high fashions but I do at least try to look good and keep my weight in check so as not to add more battles to my pile.. and if there is a good day I might go the extra mile for my husband and put on something other than yoga type pants It helps me too.. I feel better on the inside even if only for an evening. If something makes you feel good.. do it but, please don't put so much of yourself on outward appearance you are who you are because of what is inside!!

As a couple we have given up a lot of our previous life but, we have also found a few new joys/passions after CRPS. I can't do anything for very long but, the effort goes along ways with my husband, friends and family. The see me as determined instead of looking at me with pity.. that isn't what I want. We (I) try not to think "I will never do this or this again" but instead think maybe not today but hopefully tomorrow. I will never give up that is my promise to myself.

I reach out to others.. I find ways to put a smile on someone's face because I know now more than ever that a simple act of kindness can really touch someone life. We never know what someone (even strangers) are going through so I make it a point to engage in life more fully. lol.. I go to pool therapy where I have made several friends with the senior ladies, they have blessed my life in so many ways I can't even begin to tell you. Something I never would have done if it weren't for my new journey. Shoot.. I may not bring home a paycheck, cook the greatest meals or clean the house like I used to but I can surely put a smile on someone else's face even in my worst of pain.. that is PURPOSE!!

We never do know how our lives impact the lives of others.. in our pain it is hard to see but, I promise you that you are making a positive impact on many people around you without even knowing it.

I encourage you to talk with your husband.. I'm sure he loves you more today than yesterday regardless of your ailments!!

My heart goes out to you.. it hurts to be in this place and I hope you are able to climb out soon!