Erin, you sound so incredibly depressed. It seems that for years you have been struggling with both physical and psychological obstacles. I know I and many others have suggested counseling/therapy/support for you on this and other boards and hopefully someday you will be able/willing to act on some of the suggestions that will improve your quality of life.

note that this comes from a place of truly pure and good intentions.
Wishing good things for you Erin.