I didn't want to dump on the Christmas thread, so I'll dump here ... sorry, I just need to vent

It's a hard time of year, because our family is in chaos now - after 20+ years of a great marriage, we moved to Arizona (because of a job) and right next to some dysfunctional family members of my husband's, and that, on top of our many health issues (including the RSD monster) has triggered some really bad anger in him. I know that nothing is 100% anyone's fault, but when your kids, your nephews, your kids' friends, and even his parents say he has an anger issue, then it's pretty definite that it's mostly his problem. He's a great guy underneath, but he just needs to acknowledge the problem so he can deal with it. The good news is that he's agreed to go back to counseling and likes this new counselor. He's been 2 times now.

The other day, my daughter (17) told me that sometimes she just wishes that we would get a divorce, because we so obviously don't like being together. We can't even watch tv together, because he gets so angry if we say something and it causes him to miss a word, but HE can talk whenever he wants to. I even bought the DVR service so he can rewind it, but he still gets mad. The kids and I will be watching a show and having fun and talking, and then he joins, and then starts snapping at us, and then one by one, we'll leave the room and turn on the show in the other room and start having fun again, and then eventually he'll come in and ask why we left, and we say it's because we like to talk a little during the show and he gets mad at us if we talk, and he says that's because we always talk at the wrong time. It's just ridiculous.

He was just raised in a family where you have to be perfect, so I think he can't acknowledge that he has an anger issue. He says that he just gets "frustrated". I'm sorry, but when so many people around you say it's anger, then it's probably anger, and even if it isn't, then wouldn't you want to know that you're coming off as angry and fix it?

I told my daughter (after the divorce comment) that we took a vow for better or for worse, and this is a "worse" time that we're working through. I guess I didn't realize how much it was affecting them, though. I'm so constantly protecting them from his unreasonable anger, I'm just exhausted. He jumps all over them with unfair accusations, then they come to me in tears, and I try to listen to them and help. It's been this way for about 5 years now, though, because between my major health issues, my son's serious physical handicap, and my daughter's RSD, I just didn't have the energy to do counseling, plus I thought that if I was patient and understanding, it would get better. It didn't, though, and I finally realized I was enabling him by being so nice, so I decided to get counseling even if he didn't. He finally agreed, but then got really mad when I told the counselor some of the really bad issues. I finally took a separate car to counseling because I couldn't stand his anger after the session. Now we're seeing a different counselor separately, and he actually likes this one, so I'm praying he'll keep going. I'll go, no matter what, and my daughter is going now, too, also to get help with the RSD issues.

I ended up telling my husband about my daughter's divorce comment, because I thought it would motivate him to keep going to counseling. I mean, my reaction was "OMG! I'm so sorry that our issues have hurt you so much!! I didn't realize that our not wanting to be together was so hurtful - I thought our being apart was better than the anger when we're together. Thank you for telling me, and I'll work on that with the counselor, too". Stupidly, I thought that my husband would have the same reaction (I'm one of those people that are really smart in math and physics and computers, but rather dumb with people sometimes - I tend to think they'll react the same way I do). Anyway, I was picking up my son from school, and he told me that my husband talked to my daughter about that comment and was really snarky about it. That just tore my heart out - I had NO idea he would take it out on her.

I called her and apologized, but we couldn't talk long because she was just heading into her counseling appt. I guess I better think more before sharing her comments. I really, REALLY thought that it would be a motivator - I NEVER thought that it would be turned against her.

It just really stinks here now I think if I had the health, I would get a separation, just to illustrate how serious things are, and to get a break from the anger. I think he is mostly angry around us because we're "safe" to be angry with - he isn't "allowed" to be angry around his family. In fact, when we see a snarky mood coming on, sometimes we'll invite people over to put him in his "I'm a nice happy guy" persona.

I guess I should have tried to get help years ago. I just hope it's not too late. A big part of the issue is my poor health - he's just never really dealt with it. He just keeps thinking "If only she would get better", and when I urge him to go out, he says he wants me to go, too, so he'd rather not go out without me. My bad health really stinks, and I think he's just bottled up the hurt and anger over it for years, and then when we moved here and started going thru the shredder (multiple car accidents, multiple surgeries, ongoing issues with my son's major handicap and my bad health, then my daughter's RSD, plus in his family, his dad's cancer, our brohter-in-law's accident with brain damage, sister's major depression with multiple shock treatments, mom's heart attack, sister-in-law across the street with major personality disorder that routinely tries to use and hurt us, etc. etc.) he just couldn't hold it in anymore and is letting it out in the safest place that he knows, which unfortunately is home.

On the very small plus side, this week he actually complimented me once, and listened to me about an issue once without being defensive and angry, and apologized. If he keeps going to counseling, I think we have a chance, but I hate that it has hurt my kids so much


SO - any tips from anyone about how to deal with major awful health stuff in marriages?