He doesn't like Def Leppard because I "Over played it and ruined them for me" he says. And yes, he's always been like that, guilt tripping and hurtful whenever we butt heads. It's not like it happens too often, but it happens often enough I know that it's because he is feeling low about himself that he's displacing it onto me. It's not really that he is mad at me, more like he's mad at himself and feels like he's not living up to his potential (which he isn't but that's another story) and so naturally neither am I in his eyes.

It's because of the accident we were in where I nearly died that his pessimism really took root. He is afraid of something bad happening to me or Jackie and he is hard because he thinks its the only way to be alert and aware to spot trouble. In some ways I understand it, but I sure as heck do NOT agree with it. I told him he sees the world through Poop colored glasses, (though I used the S word) and that he's overly pessimistic and there's no reason for it.

Of course he didn't agree and asked me to explain but I can't other then to say that I feel he's looking at a half empty glass when I usually try to see it as half full. And yes, I wouldn't have gone alone, it isn't fair but I won't even bring it up again because his telling me he'd watch Jackie was a bold faced lie, he never had any intentions of letting it get that far, I told him he put enough guilt on that carrot in front of me that it fell to the ground rotten so he can just forget me bringing it up ever again. And I won't. I will just sit here and keep doing everything I do and avoid facing the pain as much as I possibly can.

I am still hurting, but Jackie is home now and I can't cry like that in front of him so I have gone numb. The kind of numb you are scared you might not be able to get yourself out of. That kind of numb. He had the gall to ask me what was wrong now, and I told him nothing flatly and he at least didn't PUSH it because next time I won't be volunteering the info that he triggers in me that upset me again. I hope I can remember that and just STOP it before it gets out of hand again where he's in that position of power to toss guilt trips on me.