Sorry you're doing this on your own. Sometimes people don't 'get it' because they don't understand it or don't want to understand it.

Meltdowns. That's the really difficult question. It sounds as if a lot of the meltdowns come from his rigidity and dislike of change and routine. You really need to get some professional advice about this Katy. It is too difficult to deal with on your own esp. now your son is older. It's hard for people to understand that it's not just someone having anger management issues, it's far deeper than that. Keeping your son safe and keeping yourself safe and family safe during an episode is paramount. I did find that backing out of situations was a positive option. It sort of de escalated the episode. It's impossible to stop those changes in his routine and as he gets older you'll find he'll adapt more, but in the meantime you need to get some help.