Quote:
Originally Posted by hopeful
I was thinking this morning. I wonder if there will ever be a time that I wake up in no pain. Or at least less pain.
I am only 55. I know some people on here are much younger and I feel terrible for those of you who are. It's unfair that you should have to be subjected to this at such a young age. At least I was lucky to not develop PN until the age of 48. I had my children at a young age so they were all grown. My last was in college.
My life has changed so drastically. As has all of ours on this site. But I wonder if I'll ever be normal again. I still live on the hope that I will wake up one day and I will no longer have pain, my energy will be back and I'll be able to go on with life. Most people tell me I live in denial and need to get past that and accept my disease. I think why. Why can't I hope for the best and deal with the worst as it comes.
I think I still have many years to be here. I think and pray everyday for some thought on what I can do with the rest of my life. I want to do something meaningful and helpful to others. Not sure what that can be.
When I get these thoughts I think, "You can't do much or you will lose your disability." I know I can't allow myself to sit around and do nothing. At times I feel completely useless.
Does anyone else have these feelings? Please know that as I write this I am not depressed just pondering!  |
The difference in our names says a lot. You are Hopeful and I am Hopeless. Sounds like you are the optimist with a half full glass and I am the pessimist with a half empty glass. I spent 9 years after leaving both of my jobs because I could no longer perform my job duties, thinking I would get better and be able to return to work. Each year I thought some doctor could "fix" me or at least make me better so that I could go back to work. The years continued to pass as I progressively got worse and worse. During this time period I also developed many other conditions to add on to my inabilities. I am pretty hard headed and refused to give up on returning to work until just last year. I finally had to face the fact that wishful thinking was not going to become a reality and I became "hopeless". Just last night I sent an email to a friend stating I was just so tired of always being in pain. Just a reprieve for a day or two would be welcome. I occasionally compare what my life was like before and how it is now but that is too depressing. I have finally accepted that like it or not, I guess I am retired. I would be happy if I could just keep one room of my home presentable. I bought myself a little tiny turkey to cook for myself for Thanksgiving. Cooked it 3 days after Thanksgiving when I finally had enough energy just to bathe the little bird and shove him in the oven. Christmas came and went and I even refused on a telephone call an offer of a visitor on Christmas Day as I was just not up to getting dressed or sitting up to visit.
I am thrilled when I have a day that I can stay "up", not laying down for more than 2 or 3 hours at a time.
The whole point is that I once had your hope and have lost it. Don't be like me. NEVER give up hope. I have some days when mine comes back and it is a much better place to reside. Hopelessness is worthless. It does nothing for anyone. I speak from experience. Thanks for your post as it makes me take stock and remember the benefits of a glass half FULL. (I am not always so negative,...... just in a BAD stretch of pain recently. As soon as it improves, and it will to a degree, I will be much more positive.) We do have to have some "acceptance" but that is totally different than negativity. My advice to myself is accept but keep "hope" alive.
Hopeless